Duh-Wayne and Annie had been planning for ‘the holiday’s’ since we moved to the farm house. They both truly believed there was a War on Christmas and now a War on Thanksgiving and neither of them were going to allow their beloved ‘holidays’ disrupted by a bunch of ‘libtards’.
“Libtards, like you, Slam,” Annie screamed. “Leave my holidays alone! I will make totally sure there is no WAR on THANKSGIVING here!!!!”
She decided to accomplish this by have the biggest and the best Thanksgiving anyone ever had she said. “A good old fashion AMERICAN Thanksgiving, just like the Pilgrims and Tonto had,” Annie stated.
“It was Squanto, Annie, not Tonto.”
“Like you know,” Annie hissed.
It was on; a big old fashion AMERICAN Thanksgiving, just like Tonto and ‘those people who rode over on the Spirit of St. Lewey,’ had way over in Castle Rock a zillion years ago when the little baby Jesus was still a baby.
Annie, Duh-Wayne and Spam began a menu the likes the world had never seen. While they worked on the menu, two of Elm Tree’s friends who Annie felt worthy of her inner circle, began to peddle the word from here to there and everywhere on the super highway; getting people on board with the War on Thanksgiving. Announcing that a huge meal would be prepared with more people than the world has ever seen; showing the dumb libtards that Thanksgiving was as American as apple pie and wearing a flag for undies. It was to take place on Thanksgiving Day.
One of the guys was named Ol’ Jim. He was kind of old, but he still had the same cheesy ‘stash he had back in the 70’s. He thought he looked just like ‘Ram Jam’, he often broke out in a lyrical “Old Black Betty Slamalma.” His favorite outfit was a pair of short shorts, ‘his daisy dukes’ he called them, along with a pair of old moccasins with knee high mismatched athletic socks.
The other guy was named Larry, but he liked being called Mr. T. He wore his hair in a mohawk, and had a necklace made out of old beer tabs from 1970’s beer cans. His father had passed it down to him when he got his first job down at the grocery store. He also had one of those hats made from empty beer cans and yarn. He wore it on cold days when he collected carts along with his spongebob mitties he got at the dollar store.
Both of them knew there was a War on Thanksgiving and began announcing a huge meal to take back Thanksgiving as the ‘Native American’s’ would have wanted it. They also printed the menu, which included, turkey, home made cranberry sauce, white potatoes, ‘orange potatoes’, ‘candied slams’, ‘stuffy’, popcorn, toast, more pies than the world has ever seen, a truck load of cheeseburgers and french-fries.
“I am so glad we have room now,” Annie said, the legs of the turkey hat had she had atop her head kept slapping her in the face. “So we can have lots of pies.” She was making squash pie. “Pumpkins weren’t invented yet Slam, ” she had screamed at me when I asked.
She set it next to the green tomato pie which was next to the shoo fly pie. The shoo fly pie was next to the chocolate pie that was among all the other custardy type pies like coconut and banana, lemon and several cheese cakes made ten different ways with ten different toppings. Apparently those types of pies had been invented.
I was grinding cranberries and apples and oranges into a bowl, roped into helping. “Martha Lincoln and Betsy Rust did NOT have canned cranberry sauce way back on that first Thanksgiving they ground it by hand just you are gonna, Slam,” Annie had screamed at me. “But Betsy probably was working on the flag table cloth.”
Spam as if on que held up a table cloth that looked just like the American flag except it had fifty little turkeys instead of stars and happy thanksgiving was embroidered neatly on each stripe along with little leaves to give it balance. There was a stack a mile high, to cover every table.
Thanks to Annie’s weather machine, the week of Thanksgiving began warm and crisp. A beautiful fall week even though it was the last week of the month and it had already snowed more once starting in October. But it had been a nice pleasant 60 for days.
Duh-Wayne and Grandfather set up picnic tables in the back yard. They also began to slowly spit roast hundreds of turkeys for all of the guest to eat. While Annie and Spam continued making traditional side dishes like corn with fish heads in it like Tonto showed the Pilgrim how to make, green bean casserole and huge vats of potatoes and gravy.
Annie televised the parade on a large screen television playing in the middle of the yard hooked up to 15 extension cords. She was televising the game too. Just like they did on that first Thanksgiving. All morning long she ran around in her Thanksgiving apron and her turkey hat the legs still dangling down around the sides of her face.
One o’clock the meal was set to begin. Annie was ready. Spam and Duh-Wayne left and went home to have dinner with Curry and the girls while Annie sat in the yard waiting and twirling her turkeys on the spits. One thirty came then two pm then three pm and no flies were shooing away from Annie’s pies.
Duh-Wayne and Spam had even returned to join the festivities but no one was there. Annie made some calls first to Ol’ Jim and then Larry aka Mr. T. She was livid neither of them or their ‘friends’ had shown up.
Ol’ Jim had promised several thousand patriots but had mistaken thought Thanksgiving was the 25th of every November not the 28th. Larry, aka Mr. T. had an army of friends who were coming to Annie’s Thanksgiving dinner, but he thought Thanksgiving was always on a Tuesday. He always forgot which day it fell on, but he knew it fell on the day of the week that began with a T.
So Annie’s Thanksgiving was a total bust no one came. Annie didn’t really care other than she had to save face and post pictures. But Larry aka Mr. T knew how to photo shop. He had photoshopped his face on Alfred Hitchcock so he made a bunch of pictures All was right with the world and the War on Thanksgiving was officially over. Annie and her pals claiming victory.
Annie ate most of the food herself, as she Duh-Wayne and Spam began to decorate for Christmas!