“Wake, wake!” I heard just before Annie landed on my face. She climbed atop the head board, flapped her front legs and jumped. Thank goodness, this Annie was a smaller version of the original Annie. That Annie weighed a lot more.
“Annie, why must you wake me this way every day?” I yelled, thanking all that was holy that I had 3.2 seconds to get most of my face into a pillow before her claws hit. Her staring at me from atop the head board for 15 minutes, through these black rimmed thick lensed glasses she had acquired from some place, alerted me.
“That is how they did it back in to old days before alarm clocks,” Annie explained, then added, “Duh-Wayne said.”
“It is not,” I said. I was so tired of the recent interest in history by the pair of them. If I heard ‘back in the olden days’ or ‘good old days’ one more time. “Duh-Wayne doesn’t know what life was like before alarm clocks. He isn’t 150; he had an alarm clock truste. But before that they had roosters”
“That’s what I was being, Slam, a rooster! Couldn’t you tell? I was flapping my wings.” She was still staring at me through those thick lenses which distorted her eyes so you could barely see them. She looked ridiculous, then she screamed, “I forgot to say clock a doodle do.”
She ran around the room flapping her front legs screaming clock a doodle doo for 15 minutes, still wearing the ridiculous glasses. I am not sure how she was even able to see. Then like always and like magic Duh-Wayne suddenly appeared with his side kick Spam, who began making a few pots of sludge while Duh-Wayne ran around with Annie also flapping his arms screaming clock a doodle do wearing the exact same glasses as Annie. Trendsetters; the pair of them.
Finally Annie stopped and asked, “What’s the difference between a rooster and Slam?” She waited long enough to take a breath and said, “A rooster says clock a doodle do and Slam says any clock will do.”
Everyone laughed. Except me. Spam patted me on the back and offered me a cup of sludge. I took it.
“Back in the olden days,” Spam said, suddenly. “up until the 1920’s people couldn’t afford alarm clocks so they hired a knocker-up. A knocker-up would go knock up on ‘er door til the owner woke up. Remember Duh-Wayne, back in the old country when you were running around knocking everyone up.”
Duh-Wayne nodded with his eyes shut but you couldn’t tell because of the glasses.
Annie screamed, “I beg the different!” she stamped her foot with her ridiculous glasses still on her face. Her tongue was hanging out the side of her face and so was Duh-Wayne’s.
Then: “So what are we going to do today, Papa Smurf?” Annie asked Duh-Wayne.
“We are all going back into the basement and look for Mary Jane Marie,” I responded before Papa Smurf with the Brainy glasses and a huge cowboy hat could drawl out his answer. “She has been gone for two weeks now.”
“She isn’t coming back,” Annie screamed hysterically. “Me and Duh-Wayne sent her back in time. Back to the time of the Windy go, when Limping Buffalo, Antler Cloud, Creepy Lizard, River Corn and the gang roamed these plains on their burros and alpacas. But when Duh-Wayne and I went back to get her, she was gone. Chief Taco Sandwich said she had been captured and scalped by the Windy go“`.”
“Annie,” I screamed. “She is probably just hiding. You know she has been really depressed missing her babies.”
“What babies?” Annie asked.
“Jasmine Ariel Cinderella and Ana? The grand children you had to have?” I asked. How could she forget.
“Oh, ha ha those babies,” Annie said. “I understand what you are saying; empty nester, and her relationship with Annie Jr. down the tubes. Her looks, we all know how ugly she is and her fool books. I WOULD be depressed. But nope she went back in time and a Windy go got her, it wasn’t her dismal life at all.”
“Annie, I have no idea what you are talking about or who you are talking about. I told you, time and time again that you can not travel backwards in time.”
“See Slam history repeats it’s self. That’s what Duh-Wayne always says.” By this time Annie had also put on a cowboy hat.
“Did you bring the Windy go traps?” Annie asked Duh-Wayne.
“Annie what is a windy go? What are you talking about?” I asked.
Annie rubbed against me and purred. “Sit down, Slam this is not going to be easy to hear.”
The reason she wanted me to sit down was because she wanted to climb in my lap. That had become a habit recently. Annie never used to climb in my lap or demand any attention and lately she was glued to me when she wasn’t glued to Duh-Wayne.
She laid her head on my chest so she could stare into my eyes still wearing those weird glasses. She opened her mouth and yawned really long and loud expelling not only her yawn but breath so hideous that it could have won the stink of the century award.
“Annie your breath,” I screamed.
“I just used breath spray, Slam,” Annie said giving herself another quick squirt from a little bottle she got from somewhere. She passed it to Duh-Wayne, he squirted it and passed it to Spam.
“Better,” Annie asked sticking her mouth up by my nose and blowing out a gush of air. The same smell attacked my nostils but worse because it was fresh. Spam tapped me on the shoulder and passed the breath spray to me. I looked at it and the flavor was moldy cow poop sprayed by a skunk. “No Annie. This is gross and probably bacteria laden.”
Why did only I think this was weird? Spam and Duh-Wayne were making the coo-coo sign and pointing at me. While whispering to each other, “Gee your breath smells terrific,” like two star crossed lovers.
I fanned the air. Annie farted and settled down. Spam got the air freshener from Annie’s stink collection and Duh-Wayne sprayed his breath spray at Annie. Annie was laughing her crazy laugh and screaming, “Oh Slam!” while whacking my leg with her claws out paw.
Annie abruptly quit laughing and yanked her paw away from my leg pulling flesh with it. She cleared her voice several times and yelled, “A windy go is….” her voice was all dramatic, “from back in the olden days, the good old days, a life back in history to a time when the Inca Nintas and Santa Claus maria tribe lived on these lands, Chief Taco Sandwich and his gang of savage savage natives.
They foretold of the cat eating Windy Go, an evil beast with big flapping wings and hugely eyes. It flaps around in the evening sun and eats cats and mice and rats and taco sandwiches. That’s what got Janey.”
“Annie, first there was absolutely no tribe of Native Americans around here call the Inca Ninta and Santa Claus Maria and there was never a Chief Taco Sandwich.”
“Yes there was Slam, they were named after their founder, Columbo, the one that came over here on the Wild Flower and landed at Fraggle Rock.”
I shook my head. “It’s pronounced wendigo, Annie and wasn’t that paranormal show you were watching with Duh-Wayne and Spam last night all about that?”
Just then Grandfather came through the door with Mary Jane in his arms and her favorite breakfast pizza. She had called him earlier and asked for a ride. She had spent a week with Jazmine Ariella Cinderella, Norbert, Phil and Great Aunt Jodi Slamma Jr. Great Great and a week with Ana and Aunt Chicken. She explained she had sent me several text message but I never got any of them.
I glared at Annie who was gobbling a slice of pizza as fast as her little mouth could chew. “Windy go got her huh?”
“I beg the different!” Annie screamed, spraying food out of her mouth. “Witch hunt. Hoax, Slam. Columbo day is coming up. You’ll see!”
She shook her fist a me still wearing the crazy glasses and so did Duh-Wayne, still wearing his glasses, and their hats. I knew it wasn’t over. There was an alpaca and a camel in the yard. Life was about to get crazy.