I seriously didn’t give much thought to Annie being gone. She was always running around doing something with Duh-Wayne, she wouldn’t answer a text, or a phone call or a facebook message. However Duh-Wayne was good at letting every one know what he was doing or where he was going.
For example if he and Annie were going up north to stage and film an abandon trailer from the 1970’s for their youtube channel, “Abandoned Trailer Guys but Annie’s a girl” and wouldn’t have cell phone reception, Duh-Wayne would let everyone know. “Nah coverage up thar, up thar with tha bars!’ He would announce with a slight Maine accent mixed with a southern twang.
Spam normally tagged along acting as a camera man on many of their adventures. Although she never posted their videos she did share things on her own social media accounts and they were eerily silent.
None of their vehicles were gone, the teleporter and the time machine were sitting unused. Spam had not even taken her purse. I kept calling Annie’s cell phone. I hated her voice mail because she simply said hello, like she would if she answered the phone so you think it is really her and I would scream, “Annie where ARE YOU???” then beeeeeeppppppp. Ironically, Duh-Wayne and Spam did the same thing to their phones right before they went missing.
I knew it had to be planned so I decided to solve the mystery. I first decided to question Snoopy and Annie Jr. since they were the last to see them. Mary Jane Marie was still hiding in a large piece of foam in the front hall and Norbert Newell had decided he wanted to go live with Jasmine Ariella Cinderella, Great Aunt Jodie Slamma Jr. Great Great, Brussel Sprout and Phil who lived on the other side of town.
Annie Jr. and Snoopy said that Annie Duh-Wayne and Spam had been trying out some new ghost hunting equipment in the basement, for their youtube channel, “Two guy ghost hunters and Spam but one is a girl and so is Spam.” They said Spam was recording and she had been live streaming it.
I took the next logical step and logged into my computer to watch whatever it was Annie had been streaming on her channel. It was over 45 hours long. She had not even been gone that long. This was really a mystery.
The first thing I see is an out of focus blurry like white black pink thing and Annie screaming with laughter and what sounds like a fart. As the camera backs up, I see it is Annie’s back end.
I sigh as the laughter and fart continues for ten minutes. The lens of the camera keeps fogging up and Annie keeps saying, “Something smells good.” Then suddenly Annie turns around really fast and faces the camera.
“So here we are; two guy ghost hunters and our camera man Spam but one of us is a girl and so is Spam.” Duh-Wayne comes into view wearing an evening gown and a long Cher wig and a cheesy mustache.
He waves and says, “I’m a guy!”
“We are here at the historically old mansion from the 1860’s,” Annie began.
“Late 1860’s,” Duh-Wayne said seriously.
Annie glared at him and yanked a hunk of his hair out of his wig. Duh-Wayne yelped and rubbed the side of his head. “Zip it!” Annie hissed.
“Our ghost friend Asa has indicated to us that yhis historically old mansion from the LATE 1860’s is incredibly haunted. So we are here today to investigate it.”
The camera then panned over to a lawn mower with a hat, white tee shirt and a pair of pale green pants with a pair of old tennis shoes sitting on the seat. The engine of the lawn mower putted and made a scraping noise, like it always did when the blade was turned on in the house. The hat moved up and down as Asa’s voice began. “Back in the day this very old historical mansion, was owned by an old EEE-Tailian straight from Eye-taly, named Ut oh, Ut oh S’ghettos. He rented the farm out to a man and his wife for life, Mr. and Mrs. Left.
Mr. and Mrs. Left worked the farm hard, planting acres and acres of corn and soy, spices and herbs anything that would generate money. In exchange for their work the farm would be theirs cause Uh oh was getting old and had no heirs to leave his vast wealth to.
The Left’s only wanted the farm not the wealth, they wanted to earn their livelihood. One day a man came to their house named Adelphart. He had a peg leg so he limped and a shock of red hair but it was dyed. We all knew he died it,” Asa continued in a southern drawl cause that is how they all talked back then, even though we lived in the North.
“He was a wanderer and needed a job. A bull trainer he claimed. He could tame any bull; the farmer could let a randy beast graze in his field with no fear. Old Ferdinand would eat butter cups out of your hand, Adelphart claimed. The Lefts allowed him to occupy space in their house in exchange for training a bull. ”
The show cut for a commercial which was just Annie running around with her tongue going in and out of her mouth making that blur blur blur noise. Sometimes she danced.Then Duh-Wayne and Spam came on with a box of Kleenex and a roll of Charmin and did a tap dance. It rained at the end.
Dramatic fast eeire music played. Scan to some pictures Annie or someone has scribbled on a piece of paper to portray Asa’s story. “Adelphart, former bank robber, he got away with 59 cents good money back in the day; welp I’ll tell you he had other plans. He wanted that house, the crops and the money; he was going to get on Mr. S’ghetto’s good side. He offered up a package and introduced him to the joys of his friend Richard Johnson. They licked each other very much. ” Asa’s drawl became so deep he said licked instead of liked.
The Lefts found out and feeling totally betrayed let the weeds take over the soy and corn and then they had to write everything off. They sadly turned away from the farm and figured karma would rear her head. Old Adelphart still claiming to be the best bull trainer stayed around but was horribly gored a few weeks after the Left’s moved.
The bull named Willard Willard B as a matter of fact was said to have exclaimed, “Ferdinand get outta here with that kind of bull manure. Ferdinand!” as he pushed a horn through his gizzard. Adelphart is the one who haunts this very place.!” Asa sighed greatly as he finished his speech.
The camera swings around and Duh-Wayne has this old Geiger counter. It’s green and looks like a hand held dust buster but with a very long telescoping end with a large disc shaped detector there is an old cassette player attached to it. “This is one of our newest toys. It’s a ghost hunting treasure finder. If there is a gold digging ghost this little baby will find it. ”
The camera swings again and Annie is plugging an old CB radio into an old frayed lead cord so old the casing is made out of cloth. “This is our voice recorder. It will detect any spiritual voices especially Richard Johnson loving voices. I am going to plug in this lead cord which is attached to the battery of an old Chevy Nova we unearthed with the CB radio a month ago. When I do if you are there Adelphart, tell us why you were a big fat jerk!”
Annie plugged in the cb and there was a huge flash of light and a huge puff of smoke. Then there was nothing no Annie, no Duh-Wayne, no Spam,no lawn mower, no equipment,even the Chevy Nova was gone. The camera kept recording; well a fuzzy screen with an occasional out burst of the Ghost Busters theme which sounded like it was being played on an old crank style Victrola, this Weird English Rapper everyone liked, and spurts from the old Twilight Zone.
I had no idea what to make of any of it. I searched the spot they were standing at. It was still smoky kind of and I could faintly hear bag pipes maybe a fife, and drums. It had to be a joke even though it felt really cold at that spot, so cold my teeth chattered and my fingers turned blue. It had to be a joke, I figured.
I went up the basement stairs and Tammy-roar was chatting with Coral just outside the door. “Still no Annie?” she asked.
I shook my head. I started telling her about the video stream and how crazy it was when Tammy-roar heard a meow and then another. I turned and looked and there was tiny little Annie Cara-Lyle looking wide eyed and terrified on the stairs of the basement. I ran to her and she turned and ran back into the basement. She ran towards two shadowy figures coming out of the smoke. It was Spam and Duh-Wayne.
Annie was screaming, “Tainted, tainted, tainted, I tells ya tainted.” She kept screaming it as we went up the stairs.
“Annie where were you?” I asked in my best scolding voice. I wasn’t falling for her tricks.
“We went after Adelphart. We got that critter but this land is,” Annie paused slanted her eyes so they were merely slits and said, “tainted. Won’t ever grow even a nice batch of weeds or dandy lions or tigers or bars on this here land. Tainted!!!” she said it in a weird shrilly voice and a dum dum dum was playing somewhere behind her.
Coral looked at Tammy Roar and said, “Well doesn’t that SUCK. Richard Johnson, gold digger! I ain’t staying on a tainted piece of land.” He grabbed a sleeping bag a snowman and some old horns his only possession and squatted across the street watching cars.
My mouth stood open, before I could say anything, Tammy-roar said, “Fool. Tainted land, blah, look at that corn,” she pointed with her hand and that green corn turned brown and dry and blew away. Then Unkie Rov came running from the hen house. He had eggs in all different shapes, square, triangle star shaped. “Tainted!” Tammy-roar roared. “We are moving!”
I was speechless. I wasn’t even sure if I even solved the mystery. What was REALLY going on? I felt like Nancy Drew. This was all pretty weird the missing time travelers were found but I had no idea what was happening.
I would sleep on it.