“I am so happy it is Windsday!” Annie said sitting on one of my kitchen chairs, petting a baby chicken named Constance-Slam. It was Bryan’s chicken, the Bryan from ‘Abe and Bryan’; Duh-Wayne’s granddaughter’s. The chicken was named after me. Annie called her Constant-Slam and she would slam the door really hard when she said it, then would scream, “Shut the front door!’ Duh-Wayne had brought Constance-Slam over to play with Ana and Jasmine Ariel Cinderella.
“If you mean Wednesday,” I said looking at Annie, “it’s not, it’s ”
“No I meant Windsday,” she cut me off.
Just then the kitten’s came out. They were both dressed in bathing suits, sun glasses and they had flippers on each paw. “We are ready to go out and play Granny Annie,” they screamed.
Annie put the chicken down and Spam slipped her into a pink one piece swim suit while Duh-Wayne fastened a sun hat under her beak. Annie grabbed a wagon full of pails, shovels, squirt guns, water balloons and some kite string, the kittens and the chicken jumped into it and Annie, thump thump thumped it down the stairs, the kittens meowing and the baby chicken peeping or clucking or bawk bawking whatever a baby chicken does.
“Stay right in the back yard,” I heard Annie scream. “It’s a Winds Day, ” she looked up at me, I could hear the wind howling, then she stuck her head back out the door and instructed the kittens and the chicken, “I wouldn’t even bother with a kite with all the wind going on.”
“Annie it is starting to snow,” I said. “Shouldn’t you dress them a little warmer?”
“Slam!” Annie screamed, “You NEVER know your weathers!”
“No, Annie, you don’t know your ‘weathers’,” I said sarcastically.
Annie stuck her tongue out and held her paw straight up in the air, shook it and yelled, “Abba GEE!”
Whatever that meant! I went into the kitchen . I could hear Annie stamping up the stairs behind me; making twice the noise the wagon did although she had left it outside.
Spam was making a new pot of sludge and Duh-Wayne filling cups with the other pot; always two pots of thick sludge made out of god knows what going at the same time. If I bought a new pot just for my coffee which Annie called weak, three pots of sludge would be going.
They all slurped too, like loud slurps and you could hear the hum of their lip. It kind of made you not even want coffee. I couldn’t stand the sound of it, so I wandered into the living room. I loved watching the kittens play so I opened the curtains and looked out the window.
I notice a little fish tank with wheels and a bright orange fish playing with the kittens and the chicken. “Annie did you buy the kittens a fish?” I asked.
“A fish?” Annie screamed, she jumped up and knocked over four chairs even the two Spam and Duh-Wayne were sitting in and the table, and a hutch on the other side of the room.
She ran into the living room dragging the table cloth and the coffee maker behind her. She knocked me out of the way and peered out the window. She whirled around, pushed me again and ran out of the room still dragging the coffee maker and table cloth.
“I’ll make a new pot of sludge,” Spam hollered from the kitchen.
“I’ll righten this hutch.” Duh-Wayne chimed in.
Annie ran back into the room, this time with her glasses perched on the end of her nose, now that she had a new kitten body, she didn’t even need them anymore. She wore them not so much for vision but for fashion.
That was how she ruined her eyes to begin with. She went through a ‘nerd’ stage where she wore horned rimmed thick lensed glasses and a pocket protector. She wore them two years and when she took them off she wasn’t able to see without them. I kept telling her not to do it again but she didn’t listen.
This time though it was a pink plastic pair with diamonds around the edge. She had a cord around them so she could wear them around her neck, she never did though she just randomly set them down then would freak out and start screaming, “Where are my glasses, I can’t see,” then, “Help Pa! I’m blind!” She would quickly turn it all into a Little House on the Prairie episode and everyone playing along like it was normal.
Yes she came running in with her glasses on her nose, this time somehow finding them without drama, minus the coffee maker and table cloth because Duh-Wayne was rightening things and Spam making her special recipe sludge which she was now quite famous for since Annie made her recipe go viral both on facebook and twitter.
Annie took her glasses off and squinted, opened the window wide open and looked out. “Oh Slam,” she laughed. “That is Windbag’s fish.”
I looked at her confused. “You know Windbag from our job, her work son fish? A-B-C….Alpha Beta Charlie?”
I knew exactly who she was talking about. One of my co-workers Windbag and another girl Krispen, had decided to co-parent a fish and he (the fish) lived in our office in a fancy tank right between his mothers.
Annie knew him because she was an employee at my office. She had literally been employee at every job I ever had since she was born. No one felt it was weird though other than me. She wasn’t there very often though, she only worked two weeks out of the year, the rest of the year she spent using up her vacation, sick and personal time.
It was one of these times that Annie had met Alpha Beta Charlie. It just so happened to be on the same day she wore her hip boots and brought her fishing gear and tackle box. They spent the entire day playing. Annie would catch him in her net or with her pole, he would laugh and Annie would toss him back in the tank. When they were tired of that they would yell, “Dave’s not here man,” into Krispen’s head set to help her clear the out the phone calls that were waiting on hold.
Unfortunately for Alpha Beta Charlie, that assistance he gave his mom on the phone was one of his biggest regrets. Krispen, got a promotion and she moved to a new department. She tried to be a good absent work mom to a fish but, her visits became less and less and little Alpha Beta Charlie settled his fate of being from a broken home with an absent mom. He was heart broken.
“Why is he here?” I asked.
“Windbag is baking a cake or a pie or a submarine Sammy or whatever it is she cooks,” Annie said. “So I told her I would baby sit.”
“Why isn’t he at the office,” I asked.
“They are cleaning the carpets cause of the die-a-rear,” Annie said.
Yes, we had a food day and Annie made her famous mexi-cali yum yum. I don’t know what was in it and had never tried it. Apparently it was no carb, low calorie ,weight busting great; but it smelled like old rank feet. Every one in the office raved over it, not knowing the secret ingredient was a laxative. So yeah, die-a-rear; it didn’t happen to me because I didn’t eat it, but I wasn’t grateful because I had to stay all alone in the building listen to the die-a-rear settle and enjoy the aroma.
“Why didn’t Windbag knock or something?” I asked.
“Oh ABC Alpha Beta Charlie is a free range fish,” Annie said. “She is one of ‘those’ kind of mothers.”
‘Those kind of mothers,’ meant a mom who dropped her fish son off on the side walk with his motorized tank which he steered into the back yard; beeped, waved and drove off to bake a cake or a pie or a submarine Sammy or whatever it was she cooked. Annie, however, had her son driving around in an old pick up truck picking up junk for her junk yard before he even turned a year old. I sighed she always judged, it was negative 14 outside and her grandchildren were in swim suits, so was the chicken at least the fish had earmuffs on, sparkly silver ones.
I looked back out the window and noticed that it was a complete blizzard outside. I could no longer see the kittens or the chicken or the fish. “Annie, a white out,” I screamed, pointing at the window.
Annie stared at me like I was a moron. “A blizzard, the kittens and the chicken and the fish are out there!” I said frantically, waving my arms around.
Annie kept staring at me, this time shaking her glasses at me the chain she had them on to hang around her neck made a clinking sound and she, ’tisk tisked,’ me. “Annie we need to get them!” I yelled, looking around for my shoes.
Annie peered out the window then put her glasses on and looked again, then opened the window and stuck the top half of her body out the window and came back in. She calmly shut the window walked straight to the kitchen and said, “Edwards, the kids are out in that blizzard!”
Then slowly life turned into a Little House on the Prairie episode and ‘the kids’, two kittens a chicken and a fish were lost somewhere in our back yard, which appears small but somehow honestly goes on for miles; with it’s prairie, and golf course, amusement park, a nearly completed shopping cart race track which was a new coming attraction in the spring. I knew it was to the Prairie we headed.
Annie, Duh-Wayne and Spam quickly changed into swimming attire, Annie wore a snorkel. I tossed on a heavy coat a hat, long johns, mittens, boots and pair of tennis rackets on my feet since Annie had ruined my snow shoes playing Volley Ball in them.
Annie Jr. climbed came around the corner, pulling a what Annie called a one horp Olsen sleigh. Everyone piled on including Annie’s horse. Sugar and I began to pull. I gave up complaining about this stuff. If I just went with it, it got over faster.
Every now and then, Annie Jr would screaming in a new sort of manly growly voice he somehow acquired since the kittens were born, “ANA, JASMINE ARIEL CINDERELLA!”
It was during one of those loud screams in my ear I looked up and saw a sparkly silver thing in the air and over the wind I hear the glub glub glub of Alpha Beta Charlie. I turned that way and pointed to him. Annie slapped the rains and snapped a stick over my head.
We then saw the kittens flying Alpha Beta Charlie into the air, like a kite. I drove over, and Annie hopped off the sleigh and the storm instantly stopped. Annie shut her weather machine off. She planned this so I would be involved in her Little House game.
Everyone laughed as I stamped back to the house and hummed the little house song. Later I saw I was tagged in a photo that was going viral is was me walking back to the house, it said, “Slam on a Blustery Blizzard on a Windsday with a fish and a chicken and two cats.”
“Happy Windsday,” Annie yelled when she saw me watching my viral photo on the news.