“When I was just a little kitty, I asked my Slammie what will I be, will I be bitey will I scratch here’s what she said to me, your name is annastasia, and you are a chunkie monk, a little fat chunkie monkey, you re a chunkie monk,” sang Annie.   She had only been singing it for the last half hour.

Spam wrote it with help from Annie cause she said it didn’t rhyme and needed to fix it and Duh-Wayne played a zither while  Spam tapped a tambourine.   Normally, I wouldn’t have minded but we were all stuffed in a car, and the window was wide open and the wind blowing through the car added a musical accent to Annie’s song.

We were all trapped in a car on a snowy cold (negative 30 kind of cold) because I had a doctors appointment.   I’d gotten another hernia back when Annie was, ‘dead Annie’ and weighed in at 708.4 and convinced me she was able to climb the stairs with her walker and just needed to me to walk behind her.  She got half way up and lost her balance.  I managed to get us both up the stairs, I am not sure how I was able to do it, Annie was screaming, “Oh my God Slam! Don’t drop me.”  Annie Jr. was running up and down the stairs between my feet, Asa Annie’s ghost friend was behind me on his lawn mower beeping the air horn Duh-Wayne installed for him and Duh-Wayne was leaning out the door with his hand extended saying, “Watch yourself.”

I had the hernia repaired and was returning for a visit after the surgery.   Annie wanted to go because she had never been out that way.   Actually she had, as Annie, as Dead Annie and just the week before when I had my surgery.    Annie explained that sometimes the Caralyle part of herself didn’t remember; but I think it was just an act so Annie could get her own way.

Lately we had been carting Annie along where ever we went and it wouldn’t have been so bad if it had just been Annie, but Annie Jr. had to go along, and Duh-Wayne and Spam and sometimes an odd chicken or that goat Duh-Wayne got for a six month free trial.    Even worse was if Annie wasn’t her cute chunkie monkey self and was dressed as a 5 2 furry because a lot of times she would be in costume.   A little kitten riding along in a car with a net out the window was odd enough but more accepted than a little kitten dressed up as a fat short life sized cat.

That’s why the window was opened and the wind was whipping through because Annie had to ride with her net out the window.    In this way she could catch stuff like, birds, rabbits, squirrels, chipmunks, golden retrievers, cows and horses grazing in a field, foxes hidden in grass, deer staring from afar and our car wasn’t that big but Annie kept catching and singing while I screamed, “Annie bring your net in,” while trying to turn the heat up with frost bit fingers.

“I’m really Annie and I’m Annie Real,” Annie began as Duh-Wayne and Spam played along; Spam now adding a harmonica and Duh-Wayne a cheap kazoo.  “You better believe me, I just caught a seal.”   Yep a seal was barking and clapping it’s paws or flippers or whatever they were.

We were slowly running out of room with the amount of animals, Annie was scooping up in her net.   She really didn’t need any of them.   Most of them she just let loose in the back yard, she had woods, a prarie, a lake, a frozen tundra, a desert, a golf course, a ocean with a beach and a zillion other things in the back yard; although the shopping cart museum was still only half done.

There just wasn’t that many people selling shopping carts.   The shopping cart race track would be up and running early in the Spring though.  Duh-Wayne got a deal on some carts, from a place that went out of business.   They all currently read OK-Fart.

The bottom of our car was scraping the ground as we pulled into the parking lot.   Annie was able to catch a rare singing Moose in her net.   He had a bottle of Moose made around his neck and was pleased to make it full time for Annie in exchange for a nice place to live and three squares a day.

Thankfully Duh-Wayne and Spam had driven a couple cattle trucks nearby the hospital so they could take all of the animals Annie had caught in her net home enabling Annie to catch many more on the way home.    Just a simple trip to the doctor’s office was such an adventure.

It’s weird because no one ever thought it was weird that I seemed to always have a couple of cats in tow along with their best friends; not my best friends; theirs.   They were always obnoxious too.   No one seemed to even care about the things they said and did; except me.  Everyone around us seemed to think their actions were totally normal.   They didn’t even try to hide it.

The nurse came out and called someone ahead of us.    “Van?” Annie screamed, as soon as the nurse said the name.    “Who names their offspring (yes Annie says offspring) Van?”

Then Annie looked right at the man and asked, “What do YOU call your offspring? Mini?”

Everyone including the man laughed; then Duh-Wayne not to let Annie outdo him asked, “What’s your father’s name? Cara?” Then Pam suggested he had  a cousin named Bus, and Annie Jr. said it was funny because he looked more like a steam shovel than a van.   Everyone including Grandfather roared in laughter except for me.  I was embarrassed.

Finally it was over and we were on our way home, Duh-Wayne and Spam following behind in the cattle trucks, a hole cut in Duh-Wayne’s so a giraffe could stick it’s head out the top and another cut in Spam’s for the ostrich. I was glad they were out of our car because we had to have the windows open and the ostrich kept shedding feathers we were still pushing them out the window.

Both the Annies were facetiming with Duh-Wayne and Spam and each other so they knew that Grandfather was stopping for gas.   Annie was begging for a snack but I knew we were stopping for lunch soon so I said no.  Besides it was just a little gas station and I knew she would have to get something crunchy and I hated the way she sounded when she crunched stuff.   She crunched it 9 thousand times louder than she should have and normally sprayed crumbs all over me.

Duh-Wayne and Spam had psychic ability or Annie must have sent them a message because Spam brought them some crunchy pork rinds and Duh-Wayne got them a container of salted minnows which are actually fishing bait but he had gotten Annie addicted to them those few times they went shark fishing in a near by lake.

The smell was horrible.   Annie kept putting a minnow between two pork rinds then crunched and coughed really loud getting bits of fish stuck in my hair.   “Want some Slam?” Annie Jr. screamed pushing his minnow sandwich in my face.

“No, Annie Jr.” I replied, “And stop licking my hair.”  He was licking out the crumbs and minnow pieces Annie kept spraying into my hair with her coughing and loud talking’; with her mouth open and full of food.

We continued on our journey for another hundred feet and Grandfather turned into a place for lunch.   Our total was $185 dollars and that was just for one Annie.   It was really an event filled trip but it was far from over.

Annie was still using her net, not only making everyone cold with the window down; though she did offer to start a fire.    “Get that net in the window,” I screamed, as I did an elephant jogged out in front of the car.

Grandfather hit the brakes, as Annie scooped him up in her net.   “An elephant!” Annie screamed excitedly.   “I needed one of these.”

“Annie, you have 75 elephants  already.   How many do you need?” I yelled as the car once again began to drag on the ground since we had an elephant in the back.

“It’s not for me, it’s for Aunt Paulie.  It’s a Valentimes for Aunt Paulie.”

“Annie Aunt Paulie can not have an elephant in her apartment,” I yelled, knowing full well I was going to wind up having another one in mine.   “Her land lord Donamick won’t allow it!”

“He has to,” the elephant said, ” I’m an emotional support elephant.   My name is Elton.” and he pushed his trunk in my face.  “She can ride me.”

Annie grabbed a bucket of paint and painted a bunch of pink and red hearts on Elton’s ears and called Aunt Paulie to let her know that she was dropping off her Valentine’s gift.  Aunt Paulie was waiting for us and easily climbed on Elton’s back and rode him into the building.

I saw Donamick running out of his office looking hysterical and waving his arms around.  Aunt Paulie handed him the emotional support paperwork, Elton had given her.  Donamick started yanking his hair out of his head.   He looked like Donald Duck when he is angry.

Elton carried Aunt Paulie on his back off towards the elevator, letting large elephant sized turds as he walked.   Donamick ran after them waving his arms and slipped in it and laid unmoving on the floor.   Aunt Paulie gave him a little wave as she and Elton got in the elevator.   At least he wasn’t coming to my house, I thought as we drove away.

He was just a Valentime for Aunt Paulie.

 

 

 

 

 

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