The planning had been going on for a year, the ‘birfday’ trees had been planted March 23rd of 17. I had assumed at the time, Annie was merely greedy with the tree that grew for an entire year and sprouted gifts after 365 days give or take and had planted an extra because somehow 15 trees were not enough. I knew now it was all planned in advance and the second tree was for Annie Jr.
The giant cake was planned and constructed with plans Annie and Duh-Wayne drew with a compass, a protractor and a straight edge. Spam pinned it shared it and Annie loved it and announced she ‘just had to use this idea for her special little guy’s first birthday.’
Packages had been arriving since Valentine’s Day had ended and it was getting confusing with Easter right on the tail end of a ‘Birfday’. How Annie kept track of which packages were ‘Birfday’ ones and which were Easter ones, I am not sure; Annie never opened any of them because she wanted to be surprised.
Balloons were bought, goodie bags were fill then loaded onto the back of a flat bed truck and the back end of a red Chevy, fences and a barn were constructed for a petting zoo complete with a pond for the baby ducks and the new born hippo, who Annie fed a bottle of hay to several times a day. Duh-Wayne said it was a pooping gold mine.
Clowns were interviewed. Annie hired an orange faced one named Spanky, he also ran a circus so Annie got more for her money, plus she got 50 cent coupon for an overnight stay in some failing golf course. She was pleased, she loved driving golf carts.
A merry-go round was erected, tables littered the back yard, each covered with an array of different themed table cloths, plates and cups because the Annie’s could never make up their minds and had to have all the themes. A pile of birthday cards stacked up in a large pile waiting to be opened and raided for money before being tossed in the burn pile unread but appreciated, nevertheless.
Stages filled a field as several bands fought for a place on one of them to sing a special ‘birfday’ song for the Annie’s. Only the best were granted the pleasure. I was worried when two guys showed up to play; introducing themselves as 40 year old stepbrothers, and they kept asking if this was Catalina Moose Made mixer.
AnnieTV had been counting down the days for weeks at midnight of March 23rd, sirens began going off and the tv screaming breaking news, that the Annie’s ‘birfday’ party had officially began and fireworks began going off in the back yard. Would I ever get a full night’s rest.
“It’s my BIRFDAY!” Annie Jr. screamed landing on the bed the second, Annie’s coo-coo clock, came alive and a Wood pecker popped out and laughed long and loud twelve times.
“Annie Jr. it’s birthday,” I sighed stressing the ‘thuuu’ sound.
“It’s your ‘birfday’ too?” Annie Jr. screamed stressing the ‘fuuu’ sound.
“No Annie Jr. her ‘birfday’ is in MuuuMuuuMuuay not MuuuMuuuMuuarch. And since that is when it is MuuuMuuuMuuuother’s day we skip it.” Annie announced.
I was just getting ready to explain when, Annie Jr. screamed “I’m one Grandfather!”
He jumped directly on his grandfather’s face and stifled a snore. “Happy ‘Birfday’ grandson!” Grandfather said sitting up fully awake even though seconds before he had been sleeping through ear splitting noise as the Annie’s special day dawned.
I skipped explaining it because Grandfather was already pleading the Annie’s case to open one little thing before breakfast rolling a present laden hay wagon through the door and then another.
I got up and began making breakfast. It was a work day however Annie’s birthday had somehow become a National Holiday. It was paid, however your pay was transferred to Annie’s account. If you happened to have a job where you had to work like a Nurse or a fireman, or a white house lawyer, you got double time and a half, and transferred double time and a half right straight to Annie. It was her ‘birfday’ and people were glad to do it.
I honestly would have rather worked, but I was forced to cook breakfast, it was part of a legal agreement I was black mailed into signing; while the Annie’s tore open presents in the middle of the kitchen, filling the floor quickly with discarded wrapping paper. Annie screamed over the new addition to her booger collection. Annie Jr. covered grandfather with purrs and cuddles over his new live werewolf.
I glared at grandfather, who I had distinctly forbid to buy it. He looked at me sheepishly shrugged and said, “I had one when I was a boy.”
“You did NOT!” I yelled.
Duh-Wayne and Spam arrived, blowing the siren of the fire truck Duh-Wayne had borrowed from Annie, to deliver the hoard of presents he had gotten. They came early because they had a cake to create. Annie was already dragging out the mixer to beat a large bowl of something brown and quite ripe smelling to peaked points.
Duh-Wayne and Spam were dragging a large pan up the stairs, they could hardly get the thing through the door. There was no way they were getting that in the oven, however, once Annie poured the icky mixture into it, in no time, Spam worked some kind of magic, and got it into the oven. By that time, breakfast was ready.
Special mouse shaped ‘birfday’ pancakes for all were set on the table and everyone began gobbling and talking with their mouths full, food projectiles passing from one mouth to another; everyone but me. Whatever flavor cake, Annie was baking, it smelled a lot like some kind of animal waste, that and the pleasant table manner’s made dieting very easy.
Just then Duh-Wayne, pushed his chair across the floor, farting and yelling, “Jet POWER!” Everyone was laughing and clapping except me; suddenly angered at myself for getting kitchen chairs with wheels. The kitchen floor looked like a race track now because of the jet powered chairs.
Before dishes were even washed, the caterers arrived. A band of badgers dressed in white jackets and a real hyena sou chef trooped into the back yard. Annie couldn’t possibly cook on her own birthday and there was no way I was going to make pulled road kill, and stink cabbage rolls.
Spam announced the cake was baked and with multiple pot holders Annie, Spam and Duh-Wayne squeezed the huge hot cake through the door and out to the back yard to cool and decorate before the guests began to arrive at 7 am. For a cat that appears to sleep all day, Annie seemed to never get an ounce of it, with her active lifestyle.
I watched from the window as the trio in the back yard removed the pan from the cake. It was shaped like an enormous pile of poop. Now I knew what flavor it was. I backed away from the window reminding myself, it was a perfect time to begin a diet.
By 8 am the party was in full swing. Annie’s posting of her epic cake fail, signaled the beginning. She had put the eyes of the poop on the bottom the mouth on the top and the eyes were crossed other wise it simply looked like a gigantic pile of poop with an upside down face.
Food was eaten, presents and cards piled up, kids lined up to ride an Ostrich named Al and a giraffe named Shorty, people danced, ate, mingled and jumped in a bouncy house shaped like poop.
At high noon, the band began to play, and everyone cleared their throats and began to sing, “Happy Birfday” to the Annie’s. I watched upstairs in the comfort of my living room. It was broadcast on AnnieTV. I would have preferred to watch something else, but Annie still had not given up the password for the parental block.
It was sort of weird hearing the singing coming out of the tv and coming from the back yard because the tv seemed to be on a two second delay. So I actually heard everyone screaming and clapping before I saw the top of the cake open. Slowly from the center of the cake, something began to rise. It was Duh-Wayne dressed as a piece of corn coming out of the center of a poop cake, and the most epic fail of all, Duh-Wayne was dressed not only as a piece of corn it was candy corn.
More presents than any cat ever deserved littered the back yard, leftover plates covered with drips of bbq sauce, a half eaten poop cake, left over goodie bags, and popped balloons, became mine to pick up and put away after the party ended. Annie Jr. was curled in a pile of wrapping paper, his whiskers covered with poop frosting, his werewolf snuggled close. They both snored.
Annie was preparing for her best gift of all. She and her Aunt Dinyell, had tickets to a concert. Rod was coming and it was Annie’s dream to hear her favorite singer sing her favorite songs, live, in front of her, hopefully in a speedo.
With the back yard clean finally and Annie Jr. happily watching tv with his werewolf, (he named him Eddie), I settled down with him, smiling sheepishly at Eddie who growled. I was baby sitting while Annie went to the concert. I was happy to do it, the other choice was to go with Annie.
Annie left dressed in an appalling amount of make-up dressed in a short black skirt. I got a text from her right before bed. It was a picture of Annie and Din-yell dressed identically with Hay-Seuss dressed the same as Annie and Din-yell but in male attire along with Rod in a speedo. Annie’s birfday wish had come true. And so did Annie Jr.’s as he snuggled close to me on one side and Eddie on the other.