“Shut the front door!” Annie screamed one morning at the breakfast table, then jumped up. Her sludge sloshing out of her favorite, Garfield coffee cup with a thump on the table. Her toast points she was dipping in rat juice eggs (I am not sure what that even is), flipped plate and all into the air and landed on the table upside down.
Annie upset the chair she was sitting in as well. “Oh MY GAWD!” she screamed, jumping up and down.
She was shrieking like a siren. “Annie for heaven sakes what is wrong?” I cried.
“My debit card was declined for insufficient funds!” she cried. “I don’t even know what that means!”
“Annie it means you don’t have enough money in your account. It happens to you all the time and you just use my card.” I sighed, sort of mad that Annie cause such a stir over nothing.
“But I do have money,” Annie said. “It’s pay week. I have 7 million 9 hundred 82 thousand, 6 hundred 38 dollars and 14 and a half cents. I just checked.”
“14 and a half cents? And isn’t pay week next week?” I asked.
“Yes but I have that card that pays a week early,” Annie replied. She tapped at her lap top and then screamed. “It’s gone! See that with drawl?” she pointed to the screen.
Sure enough there was the deposit and with drawl, and it actually said 14 and a half cents. “Annie you need to call customer service.” I said.
“Oh Slam, you know I can’t deal with customer service reps. They all suck so much. They never try to help you. Here you call,” she handed me her phone.
I glared at her as I took the phone, because I was a customer service rep and I tried to help people. It was Annie, who, when she actually showed up to work, constantly answered the phone screaming, “Dave’s not here man,” and hung up on people. Lately however, Annie had been given off the phone work, she strolled around entertaining people with her banjo while Annie Jr. joined along on a kazoo.
I should have known that helping Annie with anything is a big mistake, however, sometimes, I forget. Sometimes, I get swayed in by something that appears easy. It was the prompts that sounded easy, surprisingly.
The words, “Press or say one to speak to customer service,” came out of the speaker of the phone I was holding. I pressed one. The phone said, “That is not a valid choice.” I pressed one again. The phone let me know I had pressed an invalid choice. So I said, “One.” Again not a valid choice. I repeated it louder and clearer. I screamed it. I spelled it. I tried Uno, I spelled Uno. I hit the one button rapidly. This went one for 15 minutes before annie said, “Customer service.” The phone replied in an annoyed voice. “Finally, thank you, just a moment while I connect your call.”
I should have hung up then but I somehow love to be tortured. The voice prompt had spoke perfect sarcastic English with a normal American accent. The customer service agent that answered had an accent, I was unable to define. “Harrow, my name is Ut-oh, actually, harrow I hep ya?”
“Wait what is your name?” I asked not understand a whole lot of what was said.
“Ut-oh Pah S’gettio?” He sang his name in a question like it was common to be named after a canned spaghetti jingle.
I figured since I got this far I would continue. I knew it sounded stupid, but I went on. “My cat’s credit card got hacked.” I said.
“Your fat birthday card got wacked?” replied the rep in now a distinctly, heavy Bronx accent. “Yo’ we don’t sell birthday cards here baby girl. Calm down and eat some cake.”
“By the way,” he continued reverting back to the original accent. “Harrow a good Barfday.”
“No my cat Annie, her credit card has a suspicious charge?” I said again slowly.
“Your fat fannie, has a fart that is stinkily large?” replied the voice. “Hold please!”
I heard no hold music instead I head Ut-oh say to his neighbor, “Lawd this girl be tripping she farting and everything.”
“I said nothing about a FART, Ut-Oh!” I screamed.
“Please continue to hold, while I research your account,” said a voice that sounded familiarly like the hold prompt.
“I did not even give you an account number,” I yelled back.
Just then Duh-Wayne came in. ‘Duh-Wayne, my credit card got sacked!” Annie screamed.
“Again, dear god Annie,” Duh-Wayne yelled, then took the phone and yelled into it, “Yo’ Ut-Oh it’s Duh-Wayne.”
“Big D…how goes it bro,” Ut-Oh responded. “Annie’s credit card got sacked?” Then he flipped off the speaker phone and wandered into the other room asking after Ut-oh’s kids, Ragu and Cascade.
Duh-Wayne returned a short time later. “Ut-Oh is sending out a new card express mail, you should have it in two hours. But they can’t give you your money back because that last time it happened they told you to get a new card.”
“Oh and wait two hours for a new one. I need my money,” Annie screaming wringing her paws.
Just then Annie Jr. wandered in. “Did you order my Wigwam, Mom-Mom?” he asked, he was wearing a cowboy hat and spurs. Lately Annie Jr. had been into the whole cowboy thing; ever since he found out his hero the Duke was really named Marion. Annie Jr. thought Marion was as strong a name as Annie and if the Duke was named Marion no reason why there could not be a cowboy named Annie.
“Annie Jr. baby, honey, someone slacked my magic card, and I drained Slam’s card an hour ago getting 45 cases of corn removers.” she cried.
“You have CORNS?” Annie Jr. screamed in surprise.
“No,” Annie said, “I take care of my paws, but you never know.”
“I want my Wigwam.” Annie Jr. screamed.
“Baby honey, I have a new card coming,” Annie said looking at her watch. “you’ll have to wait sweetie. It will be here any half hour.”
Annie Jr. stamped his foot at having to wait. He was so like his mother. “It will be longer than that,” I stated; feeling like being a Debbie Downer. “You won’t have any money on your magic card.”
“Wait, what? I won’t!” Annie screamed.
“I told you Annie, “Duh-Wayne said. “You gave that guy over there in Nigeria your credit card number so he could get buy wax to burn cause he has no electricity in his house. You told him only $2.00 and he took it all, 8 times. Ut-oh says you have reached your limit for refunds cause you wouldn’t change your number.”
“But I just got a new number, DUH! Duh-Wayne that is why I am waiting.” Annie screamed hysterically.
“You had to change it last time,” Duh-Wayne said. I was so relieved to know at least someone was looking out for Annie’s finances. I mean she had that accountant, the one who looked like Mr. Magoo. Annie chose him because he was a former sanitation engineer; he drove a garbage truck, into a tree, his first day on the job, he couldn’t see, because Annie was trying on his glasses. Annie hired him immediately. He had no idea how to account for anyone’s money, however he had no idea how to drive a garbage truck either and he did that for 3.5 minutes.
“They aren’t putting it back, Annie,” Duh-Wayne said his lip curling into a frown and a tear forming in his right eye. “No money til, next pay day.”
“I refuse to wait until tomorrow,” Annie screamed.
“I need my wigwam!” Annie Jr. screamed, shooting his cap gun multiple times into the ceiling.
“Annie Jr.!” I yelled. “I have told you not to shoot that cap gun in the house.”
“It’s not a cap gun, it’s a bb gun,” he yelled back.
“Annie why does he have a bb gun?” I asked concerned. He was only a year old for heaven’s sakes.
“Cause he is a militia, Slam! You need to check on your gum rights. Second Armageddon.” Annie replied.
“Annie that’s amendment.” I sighed.
“No it isn’t it’s the right to bare your arms…that is why you say ‘arm a getting’! You need to stop watching the fake news channels, Slam.”
I shook my head.
“Besides,” Annie continued. “That doesn’t get my money back. Salami took my money and Salami should give it back, all of it. We should quack him back, he has definitely over-quacked my account enough.”
“I will handle this,” Annie Jr. said. He grabbed Annie’s cell phone, clicked the photo of a Salami, hit the send button. “Hey Salami, it’s me Annie Jr. Listen, Mom-mom said, you took all her money.” a long pause…”You didn’t? Well that is too bad cause I just got paid and I was going to give you my credit card number too.” another long pause. “Well the thing is someone quacked my credit card. So I had to get a new one but it cost’s five dollars and I can’t get the card, without that five dollars so I was thinking, if you just give me your credit card number, I will take five dollars off and then send you my new card number.” pause. “Great, I will call you back in five minutes.”
By this time Annie’s new card had arrived and within minutes, Annie Jr. successfully transferred all the funds from Salami’s card onto Annie’s new card, blocked him from calling her and messaging her. Since he hadn’t spent any more than the amount he needed to buy wax to light his home, Annie Jr. was able to get all of Annie’s money back from the 8 times he had hacked her account previously, plus all the people he had scammed money from for the past 12 years.
Annie ordered, two wigwams that day and life returned to normal.