We all know how obsessed Annie is with television and making whatever show she likes come to life. She has done it forever, and mostly it’s annoying; occasionally painful, like getting hit with Annie’s barbed wire covered bat. But it isn’t always Annie acting like someone in the show, sometimes it is creating a certain character.
When K8 was young, Annie became obsessed with one of those preschool shows with adults running around acting like nut balls. Then one day I came home to three grown men running around dressed in coveralls. K8’s other Slam knew a discount place to get those blue coveralls. Her husband preferred them, so she hooked Annie up. He was in the running for a lead part in Annie’s hobby, however he couldn’t play an instrument. Neither could any of the others, maybe it was because he was bald.
After that was Fat Albert and the gang, following me around everywhere I went. My voice grew hoarse screaming, “Get out of the bathroom,” and them looking at each other perplexed asking each other, “What’s a bathroom?” What a mess it when Annie got tired of them and tried to shove them back through the tv.
Over the years, I just sort of accepted this part of Annie. I mean it never lasted, they never stayed very long. They would either move out when Annie got tired of it; or she tried to shove them through a television set. She kept them close, though often allowing them to live in one of her condemned housing projects.
I knew it was coming. She talked about it day and night how if she could just wiggle her nose, instantly she would have a donut, or a cheeseburger or a mouse tail, covered pizza.
She had no real desire to be a witch, she felt that whole part of it was nonsense especially if you had to live with someone like ‘Dustpan’ which ‘she did’; pointing directly at me. As a matter of fact she did call me, ‘Dustpan’ and ‘Dogwood’ every chance she got. She just wanted whatever she wanted whenever she wanted it.
It didn’t even matter that her gofer Duh-Wayne made several trips a day to local eateries with several carts he would tow behind his scooter bringing Annie food. She used to do it herself but Duh-Wayne seemed to take over more and more, some of those tasks she found too challenging.
‘Too cold,” she complained, when Duh-Wayne returned with a cart load of fast food.
Even the teleporter, which delivered food so promptly it steamed, wasn’t good enough for Annie because she still had to pay for it. Annie wanted to wiggle her nose and have it right in her paw, hot tasty and free. With Annie, sometimes, waiting was not an option.
She new she would need to find a witch, but it would not be easy. When Annie was unable to fit properly in a pair of coveralls, it was as easy as finding three random guys to wear them. When she decided her hero, Don should move in, she simply bought a bright yellow hair piece and found a big guy with little hands and bone spurs. He was one of the easier ones, he just sat in the bed eating the cold cheeseburgers from the cart outside, drinking gallons of diet coke and watching tv. The only bad part was having to read him those political newspapers. He liked having them read to him, with a lot of expression and if there were pictures you had to hold it up so he could look at it while you read. He in turn would scream fake news after every other word, with a mouthful of cheese burger. We are still wiping it off the tv.
However, finding a witch, who could wiggle her nose and instantly give Annie her heart’s desire, was like finding a needle in a hay stack. I mean Annie had been trying to wiggle her nose and make something happen for years, she even made Siri make that noise like the tv witch and nothing happened. “A witch has to be someone really special,” Annie said “Tossing a ferret on your head and eating cheese burgers is easy.”
It took a total of three hours; Annie, with the help of Siri, was able to serf the internet; high and low; going into the dark nether regions. There, she was able to post an ad seeking a witch who could wiggle her nose and give Annie her heart’s desire in exchange for housing; our housing.
That is how Samantha Olive Oil Stevens; Sos for short, came to live with us. She wasn’t a shapely blonde, she actually looked more like Olive Oil, but a shorter version; like if Olive Oil was an elf. She wore extremely large shoes so she could fill the ends of them with rocks. She had to weigh herself down somehow, otherwise she would blow away. She weighed next to nothing.
She didn’t have long scraggly traditional witch hair either. It was short and grey. She didn’t have warts but she did have a big witch nose. She claimed her brother once accidently mistook her nose for a nail and broke it with a recoilless hammer, but she had a large pointy chin as well. I didn’t ask about that.
She had a cackling witchy laugh combined with a unique kinda snicker. She didn’t have a caldron to stir up some kind of magical spell, she couldn’t cook. She didn’t ride a broom, she drove an old green Chevy Nova; two door with a white racing stripe. She didn’t have a husband named Darwood or Dogbed, but she did have a duck.
A duck named Matthew; Matthew Jason Peep-peep Christopher Joey to be exact, what else would he be named. Sos called him Mattie. Mattie was her familiar. All witches have one of those.
She often took him for walks with a hair band around his neck; a leash attached to it and a plastic diaper with the tail cut out. Sos loved the ‘new fangled diapers’ as she called them, however she always put the plastic on the inside and fastened them with a roll of black electrical tape. She never could figure out why they leaked.
Mattie the familiar duck was quite the character, however he was evil. He absolutely hated everyone except Sos. I spent more time standing on top of my bed screaming and hoping up and down out of breath because Mattie had put his head down and came chasing after me; his wings flapping. He wasn’t able to get on top of the bed. Old Sos would stand near by laughing her cackling laugh tears running down her face. Annie joining in screaming, “Get her Mattie!”
You didn’t want to bend over any where because Mattie would come bite you in the rear end. However, if you bent over in the back yard to dig him up some worms, he might quack nicely to you. He laid eggs.
For a while, things with Sos were okay. She would wiggle her nose and Annie would instantly have her heart’s desire in her hot little hands. That worked out well for me because Annie wasn’t spending my money like a drunken sailor. She didn’t need to as a matter of fact with the wiggle of a nose, her bank account increased; not mine; just hers.
It couldn’t last though. Annie and Sos were similar; as far as personality goes. They were both controlling and sadistic. When it came to this they butted heads; Sos would withhold nose wiggles to get Annie to do her bidding and Annie would pee in the can of frosting, Sos was inclined to eat in the middle of the night with several squirts of Annie’s home made maple syrup.
“You just can’t wiggle your nose and get that!” Sos would exclaim loudly as she gummed it happily in the kitchen, because at that time of night, Sos would have her dentures soaking in a cup of bleach.
Sos, as mentioned couldn’t cook, but for her that was okay, because she didn’t eat either, except for her midnight frosting snacks or occasionally, a plate with one tablespoon of each item of food served and eating only half of it then complaining she was so full she might barf. Sos liked to clean, though, that was her thing.
She woke promptly at 2 am, fully rested, after filling her belly at midnight. Cleaning would commence, you would wake fully at 2:08. By that time, the house was full of the intoxicating smell of several house hold cleaning products mixed in a bucket. It didn’t matter that there was a warning in huge letters not to mix certain products together, Sos did it anyways. Sometimes there was a small explosion and a puff of steam coming from the mop pail.
The vacuum cleaner would be going, a feather duster would tickle your face if you didn’t get up quick enough, the washer would be going, the dryer would be going, clothes would be quietly making noises out on the line, beds would be stripped, everything sparkled. I was in heaven; even though Sos had a habit of tossing things out.
Occasionally, it was annoying; like when you would put your pay check and car keys on the counter, in order to grab your purse from the chair behind you and in that instant, Sos would have removed them and put them away, which normally meant in the garbage. She hated clutter except for her Moose collection.
This is where the problems began. Annie loved moose, especially if it was something Moose made, but it was the collections that caused the rift. Sos had her lovely Moose collection, but tossed a great many of Annie’s collections out. Out went Annie’s rotten potato collection, out went the dust collection, and the spider web one Annie had been collecting for years. The used diaper collection Annie had been collecting since K8 was born went into a garbage bag and into a dumpster, which already had Annie Jr. box collection and his bread tie collection. It was this, and this alone. which made Sos’s stay with us quite short.
All in all the pair really loved each other. In the end, Sos went to live with Aunt Paulie. They got along much better. Mattie, now chased Aunt Paulie who didn’t run quite as fast as me. Sos nagged Aunt Paulie all day long, but she kept the place clean. It worked.
Sos gave Annie, the ability to wiggle her nose three times a day and get her heart’s desire. Annie tried holding out for more but Sos had the upper hand. In exchange, Annie agreed to tell Sos if any family member had splinter because Sos enjoyed removing them with her long darning needle and Annie kept Sos stocked up with home made maple syrup.
It was a win win for both of them. We had been Be Sos’ed. Life would never be the same.