The one present Annie got for Christmas that she loved more than anything was her wall sized tv 8 feet tall and 40 feet wide.   We didn’t even have a wall where it would fit but Annie made it fit.   Now she had more room for the many collections, her dump trucks full of presents beheld, like her collection of empty trial sized hand sanitizer bottles.

She sat in front of the tv most days watching her shows and assisting Duh-Wayne with their current project.    They were making pillows and beds to sell in the junk yard.   Annie would sew two pieces of moldy  cloth together leaving one end open and Duh-Wayne would stuff it with a pile of lawn rakings, Annie saved all year, dry grass, dog doo, little scraps of garbage like empty soy sauce packets and cigarette butts.   Annie had a tractor she mowed the yard with then raked it up into a pile then sucked it up in the shop vac. She’d bring it upstairs and dump it by the recliner Duh-Wayne claimed for himself; the recliner was shaped like Big Bird.

There was a huge pile of lawn rakings.   Our yard could never generate that much ; Annie Jr. began an after school job (even though he didn’t go to school) mowing peoples yards.  Not only did he earn a lot of spending money but Annie and Duh-Wayne had ample filling for their beds and pillows which they wound up selling.   They could never keep up with the demand.

There they would sit sewing and stuffing, watching TV.   I may have enjoyed the tv; however Annie had full control of the remote and the only thing she would watch was her own TV  station AnnieTV.  As a matter of fact, the only station that would play was AnnieTV on any of the TV’s in the house.   Annie had put parental controls on everything and was holding all other channels hostage.    She charged me extra to watch what she called, ‘fake news’.

Sometimes it wasn’t too bad, Annie watched some shows I enjoy.   But then cat week happened on AnnieTV.    Every single show had a black and white cat in it.   The Brady’s got a black and white cat, Jan became allergic to it so she went to live with Grandma, and the black and white cat replaced Jan.   Ghost Adventures, got a physic black and white cat, and suddenly they were snapping photo’s, having coffee, playing pool and hanging out with ghosts interacting in ways they never knew.   Even Basketball games that Grandfather and Snoopy paid to watch had a new and rising little black and white cat, with Annie Jr. written on the jersey wearing a jet pack who made dunk after dunk.

Every show was all about Annie.   The news station reported on Annie, heaping praise on the gazillionare cat who thought only of others and put her money right back into the economy even running me into poverty just to keep the economy going.   It was a never ending cycle of how beautiful she was, how smart she was, how great she was, a very stable genius she was dubbed by newscasters.   God forbid anyone who crossed her because it was breaking news.

She even had her own shows.    There was a talk show called, ‘This is your smell’ where both Annie’s and Duh-Wayne sat around smelling foul looking stuff in jars trying to guess what the smell was.   I hated that show especially since Annie’s new tv had a smell function, so if someone farted on tv you smelled it, actually you could see it coming out of the tv in like a steam form but it was colored steam, depending on what it was you were smelling.

I forgot about the commercials.    Something Annie, orientated was always being advertised, ‘Poop Factory tours’, ‘Visit the Annie Swanka museum,’ and a hundred other things she was charging admission to.   There was Annie Jr hocking Annie and Duh-Wayne’s  homemade pillow’s wearing a cheesy mustache and Grandfather looking at Annie Jr in the mirror and screaming, “you are that homemade pillow cat!”    Annie Jr. lawn service in the summer and plow business in the winter.   The lawn service one had been running almost non stop since the snow began, the phone never stopped ringing.

One evening, I sat down with Annie and Duh-Wayne.   Annie Jr. was laying on his belly up close to the tv like he couldn’t see it; when you could  from 10 miles away, crunching bird beaks or something.   Annie was tossing a handful of the same thing into her mouth.  Duh-Wayne was eating them one at a time.

I put my ear plugs in because Annie had the volume set to max infinity, even so she had a funnel shaped horn up to her ear so she could hear better and her thick lensed glasses.  Duh-Wayne was wearing his too, but he had his over his head pushing his hair back like a head band.   It was standing up in sort of a fringe over his head.

The show starts and I see three letters come on the screen…LWS…then a cat sitting in a darkened room with only the glare of the computer to lighten things, you see the computer screen and then typing.   It says, “I am Ammnnie.” A picture of Annie flashes and then typing, “Dish is my sun Anmie Jr.” Then a picture of Annie Jr flashes he is wearing a cowboy suit covered in Rhinestones .   His hair is slicked back like Elvis.

‘Oh good lord this is going to be good.’ I think.   Then I see the cat type, “This is my ‘life with slam!'” A hideous picture of me is displayed on the screen.   It’s clearly photo shopped because I don’t have thick eye brows and warts.

Even with my ear plugs in, I can hear the tv, “Hi I’m Annastasia and this is my son Annastasia Jr.” Annie screams on the screen.  “Another episode of Life With Slam the best reality show on TV.   This week I will show you what I have to put up with on a daily basis.”

Annie Jr. is crunching his beaks rapidly.   “I can’t wait to see what happens!” He announces.

A commercial comes on, it is me, holding a tube of preparation H.  “Hi I’m Slammmmmm,” said a voice which sounded exactly like Annie.  “I have ‘roids, die a rear and I wear depends.   Buy a fleets enema!”

“Annie for goodness sake!” I yell.

“The show is back on Slam!” Annie Jr. screams.

“Yeah zip it Slam!” Annie agrees.

“So here we are Woodstock 1969 and look at Slam.” I see myself looking similar to myself in the ’80’s wearing a hat with an ostrich feather and a leather vest and a few hankerchieves, dancing some sort of crazy dance on the back of a wagon being pulled by peace sign painted bus being driven by Rov?   There was Spam and Duh-Wayne or was it Om and Snowfish, filling barrels with shovel’s full stuff from the outhouses, waving to the camera.  There was Tammyroar dressed in a habit flashing a peace sign and was that Morganna selling tie die shirts and candles?  Canned Heat was playing loudly in the back ground.

“Annie none of us were at Woodstock, I was only two and Uncle Rov was not even born yet!”

Then I see myself on the screen saying exactly what I had just said to Annie, except I am wearing so creepy looking glasses and there are maggots in my hair.   How does she do that?

“This is my life with Slam!” Annie’s voice screams dramatically.   “Now lets see tonight’s Tweets. ”

Annie starts posting tweets like, “Life with Slam Sucks.   I feel sorry for you Annie.”  and another.   “How do you deal with her Annie.   Lock her up!”

Annie looked up at me from her sewing.   She was doing her crazy eye blinking thing then she began to laugh, her crazy laugh.

Annie Jr. dumped the rest of the beaks into his mouth and screamed, “That was intense!”

Duh-Wayne sighed, then jumped up quickly and screamed, “Turn it up it’s the Om and Snow fish show!”   Om and Snow Fish came on stage.  Om looked like someone put a bowl over his black hair and cut around it and he had a cheesy 70’s ‘stash, Snow Fish had long black hair.   They were singing, “I got you babe.”

I left the room the reality was way too real.

 

 

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