Cold weather hit our region, not just a I need a coat perhaps a hat gloves and a scarf; it was all of that, plus ten pairs of socks, along with a couple bread bags in case your boots leaked, and a gallon bleach jug filled with hot water stuck at the bottom of your bed to warm the sheets; kinda cold. I deal with negative double digits as well as most people, however, my situation is pretty unique, living with Annie. Of course, Annie insists that I am odd, and our lifestyle is fairly normal if it wasn’t for my idiotic behavior. At times, I wonder if she is right.
One of the worst things in this frigid temperatures, is hot flashes. One second you are shivering the next, you feel like Satan is right in front of you inviting you into his lair. The worst part is that Annie also has hot flashes, until her; I was unaware cats even got them. Hers seem to run totally opposite of mine.
I will be huddling under the blankets, because Annie is hot and every window is open, multiple fans are running, the air conditioner is running full power, my bleach jug; that I had filled with boiling water is frozen at my feet. Then it will hit me a hot flash, and I will quickly jump out of bed, my breath freezing as it comes out of my mouth. I will sprint to the bathroom while I am suddenly, feeling warm. Before I am even finished washing my hands, Annie has the heat set at 90, there is a fire burning in the cardboard Santa fire place Annie still has up from Christmas and she is sitting wrapped in an electric blanket, on top of my bleach jug filled with hot water sipping hot chocolate.
Actually the weather had been so cold, I was making sure my hot flashes were coming back to back. The struggle between, heat stroke and frost bite was incredibly real. The bathroom was an escape from the heat. It was the only cold room in the place.
Every time I went to the bathroom, I could sincerely relate to some old timer sitting on an outdoor commode. Of course, I didn’t have to get up, get dressed, trek through snow, sit on a piece of wood with a hole in it, with the wind whipping up your butt, and the smell of last weeks pot roast still lingering and to top it all off, no don’t squeeze the Charmin, no Cottonelle, not even a half roll of the stuff you paid $8 for at the corner store that’s quality is ten times worse than that you get at the dollar store, no none of that: You get a corn cob. I braved the cold, without much complaint, considering I had it easy, even though Annie had replaced the toilet seat with one made of rotted splintered old wood, she says it is her part of her recycling program.
The reason the bathroom was so cold was because Annie Jr. ‘needed’ to practice his ice skating in the bathtub because it was too cold to skate outside and it needed to be cold to keep his ‘rink’ frozen. Annie and I had actually argued over the whole thing but like always Annie won.
I saw no reason why Annie Jr. had to skate in the house. There were places to skate, nearby. Plus Annie could teleport him any place in the world and apparently to any period of time with her time machine. I mean it would have given me a break and I could have adjusted the temperature to a reasonable level, not scalding or artic zone.
Of course as always when the weather hit extreme levels, it was Annie’s main purpose in life to make me endure every moment of the extreme levels and pushing my thresholds on an hourly basis and then staring at me with that blank look when I start tearing my hair out and screaming at her. So she rarely left the house, if it wasn’t for bingo, I’d have lost my marbles by now.
Duh-Wayne was currently on restriction for some meme Annie posted on Spam’s facebook page. He had to go with Spam and play bingo on Saturday’s and Annie went along because it was just too difficult for her to be apart from him for very long, although lately all she asked was, ‘gonna get facebook yet? gonna get facebook yet?’ Duh-Wayne’s defense was he is so popular he would not be able to keep up with the demand of friend requests. Annie suggested a code name like D. Sanchez.
Anyway, Annie Jr. really liked ice skating which was a good thing because every cat needs a hobby and of course my cats were creative with their hobbies. Annie Jr. really wanted to play ice hockey but Annie had no patience for fool sports. Annie Jr. liked football too but Annie kept putting parental controls on the tv so no one could watch sports without paying her. Besides if he played hockey his front teeth would all get knocked out however the idea of gold teeth paid for with Slam’s magical money card was appealing.
Annie had no problem with Annie Jr. ice skating, but no son of hers was going to play ‘hOCKEEEE’ her son would skate like a real man and so Annie Jr. began his career as a figure skater. Annie made him a pair of those sparkly leotards, (pastel purple with bright yellow glitter). Annie said he had to make a figure ‘8’ however, neither Annie or Annie Jr. knew how to make an ‘8’ so Annie got her calculator and told Annie Jr. to do a math problem and people would get it. She told him to do 88-80.
That is how the problem started. The bathtub was too small for Annie Jr to skate out an entire math problem. I’d tried repeatedly to explain they were already making 3 figure 8’s but both of them stared at me blanking Annie doing that crazy winking thing and Annie Jr.’s tail shaped like a question mark.
Annie was all for ripping down a few walls and half of the neighbors house to make more room. That part, I did not understand because our house and yard seemed to grow to accommodate Annie’s game room, time machine, tenant housing, junk yard, a fleet of dump trucks full of presents that she was still opening. Seriously, a bigger bathtub was always a welcomed thing, I mean eventually the ice rink would melt, when summer came, if it came and I could see myself early spring, late fall soaking completely submerged in a hot bubbly bath with a book (and Annie Jr. perched on the edge burping his stench breath directly at me, Annie sneaking in with a cup of ice cold water to toss at me so I would jump out and she would recording it all praying this one would go viral).
Annie refused to venture more than a few feet from the house so she decided it would be a good idea to create a ice rink in the back yard. Duh-Wayne, drove a back hoe through the junk yard, passed the tenement housing, passed the fleet of dump trucks and went to a relatively level piece of ground and dug a very large hole. Then Annie cranked her weather machine to snow and snow like the world has never seen.
With enough snow to fill the hole Duh-Wayne dug half way to China, Annie slowly cranked the heat, negative 30 to positive 65 in a matter of days and once all the snow had completely melted, filling that huge whole and the rest of the back yard, Annie zapped the thermostat on her weather machine from 65 to negative 32 in 12 hours. The back yard froze instantly.
Annie Jr. spends his days in the back yard in a never ending supply of sparkly leotards, topped with a bear skinned coat Annie claims she bought from Davey Crocket on one of her time travel adventures; it smells. He skates out many math problems, like 888-880 practicing a figure 8 he doesn’t know how to make.
Annie implanted some device into my skin while I was sleeping so she now has an accurate reading of all of my hot flashes. I freeze and burn all day long.
Duh-Wayne daily resists the facebook movement. If I hear ‘you gonna get facebook yet?’ one more time, I might create it myself. Annie is still pushing for D. Sanchez but Duh-Wayne isn’t sure because his last name isn’t Sanchez.