I woke up and focused my eyes on something gray laying softly on my nose. It was Norbert’s rear end. I never mind when he sleeps with me but I hate his butt in my face literally up close and personal with my nose. “Norb, yuck get your butt out of my face,” groan pushing his rear away. “Why do you do that?”
“Annie says we have to.” Norb replied sticking his cat breath face near my nose.
I wave the smell away. It smells similar to his rear. Why do all my cats stink? I grab my glasses and moan as I get out of the bed. Why do I always wake up in pain? I put my hand down to rise from the bed and get poked with something sharp. Figures. Annie Jr. pet cactus was in the bed again. He has to sleep with it and only winds up sleeping in the bed until I am fast asleep and then he will go out in the kitchen and practice his instruments, drive his race cars around the track, try his pogo stick out on the bed.
Annie is sitting at the table drinking some sort of thick dark sludge, out of a coffee cup. “Morning Slam. Asa eat your oatmeal sweetie.” Annie says. There is slick black sludge in my new coffee maker and oatmeal in the back up one. I wash the sludge one. Asa eats lots of oatmeal. Sticks to his gullet he claims.
I start a new pot of coffee after I pour the rest of the sludge into Annie’s cup that she is waving around in the air screaming, “Waitress.” and clean the whole thing completely.
“Annie WHY?” I ask when I set down with my coffee. “WHY do you tell the other cats to put their rear ends in my face?”
“They have to Slam! All ya gotta say is, ‘not mine’ and they will stop.” She explained.
“What Annie, that makes no sense. Of course it is not mine.”
“Slam you don’t know why cats and dogs smell each other’s rears?” Annie asks in surprise.
“Because they lack manners and love the scent of disgust?” I ask sarcastically.
Annie cackles her crazy laugh and says. “Ohhh Slam, I don’t know how you can possibly get through life with your limited intelligence.” She pauses a long pause, fills her coffee cup with burned sticky oatmeal and begins her tale. “Many years ago all the cats and dogs in the world were invited to a party at a fancy establishment. They had to take their butt holes off at the door. While they were eating a big fire broke out and they all ran out grabbing any old butt hole as they exited. So we all sniff each other’s butt hole to see if it belongs to us.”
“Annie where on earth would you hear a story like that!”
“Your mother!” Annie said.
“Annie my mother had already passed away before you were born.” I said dismissing her claims.
“I got a time machine for the first day of Christmas, and I went back through time. Look,” Annie pulled out her cell phone and showed me a video of her and my mom. Annie was all curled up in my mom’s lap.
“Annie that proves nothing. My parents had a black and white cat once before I was born named Bandit, you probably dug up some old those old home movies I have laying around.”
“I knew you would say that,” Annie said and then, “Keep watching. ” I see my dad, a younger version with hair even, step in front of the camera with a sign with the current date on it and it said, “Not fake news!”
“Oh Slamma Aunt Loose-wheels and Slampa Uncle Can!” Annie laughs watching the video.
I still didn’t believe her. She was actually very good at photo shopping stuff. There is still that embarrassing one of my face on a hippo dancing in a tutu singing, “I feel pretty.”
“See Slam,” Annie says, then she points to a big machine with a door that says, “Time Machine” on it.
“Annie where did you get that?” I yelled more annoyed that another one of Annie’s belongings was cluttering up our house, than Annie having a time machine and the damage she could do with it, providing it actually worked.
“My true love,” Annie said. Then she sang. “on the first day of Christmas my true love gave to me A time machine in a old ship. ”
“A Ship! Where is this ship?” I yelled.
“In the back yard!” Annie screamed. “It’s the Minnow, Slam!”
Good Lord. Annie had been watching Gilligan Island. Annie TV had been playing a marathon of the show for weeks.
I followed Annie down the stairs to the back yard. I wondered where she had put it. I mean our yard was really small and Annie had her junk yard there and her tenement housing for all the neighborhood wild life. But there is was in the middle of the back yard along with everything else not seeming to take up any room at all. I wondered how Annie was able to fit so much in so little space the more she hoarded the more room we seemed to have.
On the deck was Duh-Wayne with a captains hat on. Along with him was Spam in an evening gown. Aunt Paulie looking sort of odd with a couple pig tails jutting out of either side of her head. Annie Jr. with glasses, a book and a test tube. My boyfriend dressed in an expensive smoking jacket, and Chad. Annie pulled a white hat down over her head and donned a red shirt then said, “Come on Luvie, I mean Slam come have a look around.”
“No Annie, I am not getting on that boat!”
Spam nudged Duh-Wayne and said, “Told you we shoulda been the Millionaire and his wife. But no you HAD to be the SKIPPER!”
Distracted by their conversation Annie took the opportunity to grab my glasses off my face put them on her own and scream, “Look at me I am Slam!” Then she ran with them onto the ship.
“Get back here Annie,” I screamed as I started after her. She tossed the glasses to Annie Jr. just as I hit the deck of the ship. I started after Annie Jr. when suddenly I hear Annie screaming “Just sit right back and you’ll hear a tale.” Then she hit her teleporter.
So we were shipped wreck until Annie decided she had enough and teleported us back. Thank goodness Annie had already built huts and had put in a large store of coconuts and bananas ahead of time. When questioned about which character Chad was Annie claimed he was the guest star but he just spent his time running around chasing Aunt Paulie while wearing a monkey suit Annie demanded he wear. Everyone seemed to enjoying themselves drinking cold drinks, eating endless coconut and banana crème pies, and laying around on the beach. While I carried endless piles of fire wood, kept look out for head hunters, and attempted to make a sewer system out of bamboo shoots. All because Annie still had my glasses and kept threatening to give them to a blind shark which she was keeping as a pet in the lagoon.
Then when Annie decided it was time to go home in pure Gilligan style, sat on the teleporter busting it into a zillion pieces. “OMG Annie!” I screamed. “Why? Do you even know where we are? We can’t even use the ship because you felt it important to bash a hole in the side of the ship and that glue Annie Jr. made out of sap doesn’t work and you ate the rest of it. Did you bring a phone to see if K8 or someone can use one of your other teleporters to come get us?” I was on the verge of panic.
“I made a phone out of orange peels!” Annie Jr. announced. “but the cell service is spotty.”
“We have oranges?” Annie screamed.
“Only one,” Annie Jr. said sadly.
“Without citrus we will die!” Annie moaned.
“Really?” Annie Jr. asked. He pulled a teleporter out of his pocket and vanished then returned just a quickly with a bag of oranges.
I sighed relief and screamed, “Annie take us home now.”
“Only if we can do it again tomorrow.”
“Give me my glasses back?”
“Okay,” Annie sighed and handed back my glasses.
We shook on the deal and just before she hit the button, I heard Spam say, “Next time we are the Millionaires, Duh-Wayne!”
Later that night, I asked Annie as she sat on the back of my chair, “Who is your true love anyways?”