“Oh my god almighty,” screamed Annie as she sat on the counter with her iPad. “Not accordian’s! Sausage grinders!” She’d only screamed this 52 times in the past half hour but before it had been xylophones, yo-yo’s, colon cleanse…
“Annie what are you doing?” I asked.
“I am trying to find a sausage grinder for Duh-Wayne for Christmas.”
“Duh-Wayne wants a sausage grinder?” I asked wondering what for, because as far as I knew he didn’t own a pig or anything.
“Yes!” Annie screamed at me like I was the biggest moron who ever breathed. “Spam has one and he seems to really like it, so I figured he needed his own.”
I shook my head feeling like the biggest moron who ever lived. They must have started raising pigs. I looked over Annie’s shoulder and watched her tap out a bunch of random letters. “Not a parachute, but I do kinda need one, hey wait they come in pants? Hiiiiiiyyyyyyyy Those are nice!”
“Annie?” Mary Jane, asked.
“Oh my god Almighty Mary Jane what now?” Annie screamed. “Ohhhh Jetsons on youtube!”
Mary Jane who actually had not said a word all morning, asked, “Why don’t you get a Siri?”
“A Siri? I am looking for sausage grinders, you idiot! See Annie Jr. what fool school does for you.”
Mary Jane sighed. “Annie, Siri is an app on your phone.”
“How would I get an apple on my phone? You are banans!”
“I am buying Duh-Wayne a Christmas present, not applying for a job. OH MY GOD ALMIGHTY you are such a maroon!” Annie screamed.
“Mom-mom an app is like that mouse thing you got on Uncle Norbert’s iPad.” Annie Jr. explained, then laughed, “Those little mice running across the screen drive him crazy.”
“A app! Why didn’t you say so?” Annie asked then laughed. “Remember when I put that dog bone app on Aunt Din-yell’s iPad and Lars ate it. That was so funny.”
Annie then turned and stared at Mary Jane; glaring almost. Finally she started waving her arms around and screamed, “Well…”
“Siri does what you ask her to do. Watch,” Mary Jane demonstrated. “Siri can you search for sausage grinders?” “Okay Mary Jane, searching for sausage grinders.” Suddenly a whole bunch of sausage grinders came up on Mary Jane’s phone.
Annie didn’t look too impressed. Mary Jane continued. “Siri play blue grass music.” Music began to play and Annie was bobbing her head but still not looking too impressed.
“Siri find all episodes of The Jetson. Look Annie even a lost episode.”
Annie looked a bit more impressed and then Mary Jane said. “Siri start the coffee maker.” The coffee maker began brewing coffee.
“Thank you Siri,” Mary Jane said. “You are helpful I am glad I have you.”
“You’re welcome Mary Jane. I am glad I have you.”
Annie of course got a Siri. She had Siri order a sausage grinder, watched all the episodes of the Jetsons, and spent several hours saying, “Siri smell my rear end.” to which Siri would respond with a loud obnoxious sniff.
Siri kept her interest all day until late afternoon when she retired to her private workshop she had in the corner of the bedroom, with Duh-Wayne. I knew she was still playing with Siri because I heard her ask, “how many thingamajigs again Siri?”
They were still at it when I woke up for work not that I even slept well. Sometimes Annie and Duh-Wayne get to arguing and they get really loud. Sometimes it’s over politics. Annie always takes the opposing side no matter who’s side it is and starts screaming fake news.
I once called her on it. “But Annie I thought you supported Trump’s policies?”
Annie looked at me funny and asked seriously, “Don has policies? What’s a policy?”
“Annie you voted for him three times and you don’t know what a policy is? You marched down Main Street dressed in a Flag and a bright yellow wig yelling build a wall! That’s a policy!”
“Is that so? By the way, I built a boarder wall in the bedroom!”
“What?” I screamed.
“And you are paying for it!”
“Why?” I screamed again running in to see a wall completely across the bedroom.
“Your illegal RUG trade!” she screamed.
“It’s coming down.” I yelled.
“Never!” she yelled back.
I noticed several charges on my ‘magic card’ one for the materials, one for the building of the wall and a slew of estimates, like Annie’s Wall building Esq, Annie Jr. Wall Building LTD, and Walls By Duh-Wayne Inc. It didn’t matter because Annie had the wall removed within a few hours because it didn’t match the color scheme; Annie’s Wall Removers Esq, Annie Jr. Wall Removers LTD, Bye Bye Walls by Duh-Wayne Inc.
Annie and Duh-Wayne just argued almost about anything. But they never actually got mad. Annie would be screaming at Duh-Wayne, “It’s not Fred and Barney! It’s Bonnie. Fred and Bonnie. ”
Then Duh-Wayne would scream back, “It’s Barney he always says Come on Barn!”
“No, he says Come on Bon!” Annie would scream her face turning purple. “Why I oughta.” Then, “Pass me a moose made Duh-Wayne my old pal.”
Annie’s response to why they argued, “It’s communication Slam. Simply communication.”
When I came home Annie, Annie Jr. and Duh-Wayne were sitting at the table eating a huge pizza with what looked have some sort of eyeballs on top. “Ordering pizza again, Annie” I asked figuring there would be a charge on my magic card for not only pizza but extra super fast delivery service.
“No, Rosie made it,” Annie said.
“Who is Rosie?” I asked.
Annie yelled, “Siri, call Rosie?”
“Okay,” Siri responded sounding as high pitched and as shrilly as Annie’s voice. As a matter of fact she sounded just like Annie and the rest of the cats.
“What happened to Siri’s voice?” I screamed.
“I hate it,” Annie said. “I made her change it.”
All of a sudden I heard this beeping and a robot made out of a rumba and an old pot bellied stove and a toaster came rolling out in the kitchen leaking oil as it rolled. “Siri have Rosie start a pot of coffee” Rosie pressed the button on this thing that was made out of an old refrigerator, a can opener, a tennis racket and a tricycle. The smell of fresh coffee filled the air.
“Annie WHAT is that?” I screamed.
“My robot Rosie.” Annie screamed.
“No that thing she is making coffee on?”
“A foodaracketcycle. That is how we made the pizza. Want some ice cream? We got it. Want salad we got it. And you can have mouse guts and eye balls or snoods?”
“What is a snood?”
“That thing next to a wattle.”
“What’s a wattle?”
“Those things on a turkey’s face!” Annie yelled.
“Yuck Annie. ”
“It’s good on ice cream,” Annie said.
“Wait these are eye balls?” Duh-Wayne said munching a large slice of pizza. “I thought they were olives.” He shrugged and kept eating.
“Annie!” screamed Siri, “Someone is bidding on replica of the Mayflower you have been watching!”
“Take them out Siri, hack their system and shut ’em down. That boat belongs to me.”
Annie’s aggressive shopper personality was coming out and her traditional holiday spirit. Thanks to Siri this holiday season was bound to be unforgettable.