The roosters crowed promptly at 2am, actually it was the alarm, Annie had set on every single cell phone in the house. I rolled over stretched and then I remembered and a frown began and I could actually feel the wrinkles forming and the gray hair growing. Today was the tour of the infamous poop factory.
I tried to get out of it, claiming I had to work and had not prepared for it to be on a work day. I got a call from my job though saying that Annie had donated one of her day’s off and I had won it and did not have to report for work. I would have rather went to work even though it was a Monday. I’d never been inside the factory and I was dreading it. Although I was a tad curious, it was kind of like thinking about going to the Bermuda Triangle and see where you wound up going; if you went anywhere at all. You might think about it but probably would never tempt it.
The smell was the worst thing. I’d walked and driven past it many times and the stink was horrible. A few times, I had dropped one of the cats off there and it was as if I could not even breathe the smell was so bad. No one else seemed bothered by it though. Annie had parties there during the summer, having ‘famous’ bands come to play.
Actually they were friends of hers or vagrants looking for a day’s work who would dress up as someone famous and play instruments, horribly, many times Annie and now Annie Jr. jumping in with a fiddle or a banjo. People loved it and paid $10 to get in and $15 for a bottle of moose made or soda made in the poop factory. The factory was so close that, I never had to pay to hear the bands, and I had spent a fortune on ear plugs and ear muffs.
I tried hiding in Annie’s sound proof room, but she had the music piped in and every wall was a tv screen broadcasting it live. Camera’s zooming in on someone’s nostril hair or black heads. One time the door locked and I was unable to get out for hours. Annie claimed Asa the lawn mower ghost did it. In her defense the lawn mower had been starting up on and off that day but, it was Annie.
I climbed out of bed when the roosters starting going off for a fifth time in the last five minutes. They stopped once my feet hit the floor and I knew very well if I tried to go back to bed they would continue and only stop once I got up for good. I went to make coffee, catching Annie slipping out the door in top hat and tails. Duh-Wayne and Spam were with her dressed as something, but I was not quite sure what. I heard their car start and it’s engine farted; actually farted. I ran to the window and was blinded by huge headlights so bright I could see nothing but a cloud of moths and flies as the car backed out farting as it went.
Annie Jr was up and out of bed dressed and ready to go at 2:35. She insisted we walk over. Chester Musket or whatever his name was came from a poor family and they didn’t have a car. I was okay with that, because the smell would gradually become worse and not hit me all at once. I could get used to it, a little.
We arrived at the factory at a quarter to 3. The thing wasn’t starting until 8 but Annie Jr. wanted a good seat for the parade. The parade began at 4 and was televised live on AnnieTV. Even so every single seat was filled with people. But thankfully since we had tickets we had front row seats and we finally got seated after paying a quarter to open the gates to get into the booth.
The other winners were already there. There was Lars and Hay Seuss both with poop foam fingers they were holding up. Aunt Paulie and Alley both dressed in brown pajama’s and poop shaped hoods, their faces were brown. Smel and Maddie, holding poop balloons, Maddie wearing her oxygen mask. Kiko and Annie’s mom wearing poop shirts. All looked excited and were jumping around in their seats. Annie Jr. lead me to our special seats and screamed excitedly, “Slam we get to wear the dirty diapers!”
I looked at Annie Jr, climbing into a pair of dirty stinky poopy diapers. “Yuck! Annie Jr. I am not wearing those. ”
“You ARE!” He screamed and threw the diapers at my head. Annie Jr was getting just like Annie; lately a little worse. I mean here I was sitting outside a stinky poop factory I didn’t want to go into; for a tour I could do without at 3 am and the thing didn’t start until 8. I had to pay a quarter to get into special seats we won! And now I was sitting here with a stinky poopy diaper scum running down my face.
Annie Jr. sniffed it and screamed. “That one was MINE Slam!” and he grabbed it off my head. He exchanged it with the one he was wearing then tossed the one he just took off at my head. The parade finally began, a steady stream of poop floats drove by each producing a different stink, and different colored, shaped, and textured poop. A float of completely made of weaves and extensions made from hair gobs taken out drains and off broom bristles, a dirt float, and a volcano that spewed vomit. Bands played, clowns passing out red balloons, a herd of Walkers came shuffling by, the Annie’s from the nursing home all black and white except for the ones wheeled by in dishes.
“Annie Swanka!” Annie Jr. screamed as they passed. “Up here!”
The grand finale was Annie arriving by a limo. The limo was long shaped like an incredibly long piece of poop. It farted as it approached ejecting a stink the world has never smelt. Flies hovered around it like a swarm, and stink lines were visible and seemed to light up as it moved forward.
It stopped and Duh-Wayne got out wearing a cap that looked like poop. He grabbed a scooter from the trunk and opened the door for Annie who emerged with a cane. Annie stood as if in shock then did a complete somersault and landed in the seat of the scooter which she scooted forward on as the crowds cheered. She scooted to a podium and climbed onto it.
She breathed and screamed “testing one, eight, forty-two, testing” several times into a microphone while it screeched and made that awful noise microphones do. “Thank you all except one,” Annie yelled looking directly at me, “for coming. If you think this tour is going to be like the one SLAM read, you are WRONG SIR! Now if you have a ticket you may enter the factory.”
A band started playing and we all paid a quarter to get out of our special booth to follow Annie on her scooter into the factory. The closer we got to the factory the worse the stink was. I plugged my nose with those things swimmers wore and hoped no one would notice. No one did until we got inside the lobby then Annie Jr. noticed.
“Get that off your face, Slam” he screamed and swatted at my nose with his claws out. “Smell this!”
Suddenly my nose was filled with the most enjoyable scent. It was fresh apple pie and pumpkins and fall leaves and hint of wood smoke. I inhaled deeply. “Isn’t that the most awful stench?” Annie Jr. hollered.
Everyone except me was holding their nose and gagging, Even Maddie who was breathing pure oxygen. Annie began to laugh. “Gag air freshener!” she announced laughing her crazy laugh. “Spam turn it off.”
Spam was sitting at the lobby desk with a phone in her hand. She flipped a switch and soon the air began to smell like old rotten horse apples and everyone except me began to smile.
“Now if you will all just pay Spam your admission price, we shall begin, ” Annie announced. “Cash only please.”
Everyone began to pull out their money and line up. “Annie you said it was free on the ticket,” I insisted.
“Free, Slam is just one of those sentence enhancers you use,” Annie said.
“I am not paying for it,” I stamped my foot.
“Then you don’t go in!” Annie retorted.
“Pay it Slam,” Annie Jr. screamed. “You promised I could go.” Tears were running down his little cheeks.
I gave in and began collecting all the money I had in my purse together to pay the admission since it was cash only. I was short one penny. Would Annie let one penny go, of course not and of course no one in the crowd had one penny they could loan me. Annie directed me to an ATM machine where I had to pay $45 to withdraw money. Annie suggested I withdraw one penny because money was not allowed in the factory. I sighed and withdrew one penny. Paid and was finally allowed in. I couldn’t help but notice there was a penny directly under Annie’s paw.
Annie took the lead and we all followed along behind; Into an elevator we went. It was small and we were all crowded together. The stink was horrible. All of a sudden the walls turned into tv screens broadcasting people popping zits, close ups and so loud you could hear the skin breaking. Everyone was clapping.
The elevator opened and a huge room loomed. It was like a fair and a circus, with all kinds of treats, music played and birds sang raining poop all over everything as they flew but it didn’t matter because everything was poop, well shaped like poop and probably made out of poop. There were rides to ride, animals to pet, food to eat, places to dance. games to play; like guess who’s poop by taking a smell and the prize a stuffed piece of poop. Annie turned and raised her cane.
“Wait before you go, check this out. Lickable wall paper, lick a piece of poop, it tastes like poop, taste a piece with corn it tastes like poop with corn in it.”
Everyone but me ran to the wall and began to lick. “The pieces with nuts in it tastes like poop with nuts in it.”
“Ohh I got peas!” called Aunt Paulie. Lars knocked her over trying to get a lick.
“Have fun,” Annie yelled. “Credit cards accepted for games, and food and rides and attractions.”
“Annie,” I screamed. “The tickets said free!”
“No the tickets were free,” Annie said.
“People had to buy the candy to get them,” I said.
“The only one who complains is YOU, Slam! You are such a party pooper, such a labturd. You bleeding heart labturd. Just get over there and make your great grandson happy and let him have the time of his life. Get your magic card out of your purse and do your job as a SLAM MOTHER!”
With the final word of Annie’s tirade, a group of little men came out. I am sure one of them was Duh-Wayne, but they were all short and resembled piles of poop. “Scoop a poop a poopy poop poop, Slam doesn’t like any poopy poop poop. If she is wise she will listen to me if shdon’t she will be drinking pee.” The danced around farting as they sang.
“The poop a loopa’s!” Annie Jr. screamed. “I want a poop a loopa, Slam.”
Since Annie was selling them for ‘only’ a million dollars apiece and since Duh-Wayne was always at our house anyways I settled for a $80 stuffed animal. Every half hour there was a raffle and someone won something. Aunt Paulie won a fifty foot solid chocolate rabbit. It was made with ex-lax. Hay-Seuss won a lifetime supply of dog bones for Lars shaped like SpongeBob. Smel won a pet skunk. My prize, an everlasting poop stopper.
“I don’t want this Annie,” I yelled.
“You have to eat it Slam, it’s your prize.”
“No Annie. You stopped my poop once.”
The poop a loopa’s came back out and began to sing and dance. Annie Jr. began dancing with them knocked into me and the everlasting poop stopper flew into the air. I watched it with wide eyes and open mouth and it fell, fell right into my open mouth and down my throat.
“Darn it Annie!” I screamed. “If my poop stops!” and then it hit me. “Annie where is the bathroom?” I could feel the poop ready to explode. Poop stopper my rear end.
“Bathroom? There are no bathrooms!”
“I got to poop, ” I screamed. “The poop stoppers make you poop!”
“Aunt Paulie did you stir that 9million 2hundred and 30 18 times?”
Aunt Paulie shrugged and said, “Annie, my dyslexia?”
“No excuse Aunt Paulie you can not count. You mess everything up! My day is totally ruined! Tour is OVER!” Annie screamed. “Get out!”
I was running for the door glad the day was over, until Annie Jr. screamed, “Slam! Wait!”
I turned and tears were foaming in his eyes as he ran towards me. “Everyone got a prize but me and the ticket said one person would win something beyond their wildest dreams. Everyone got great prizes. That flock of crazy biting geese Slam Jr. won was hard to top but nothing was beyond my wildest dreams. I WANT my present.” Annie Jr. screamed.
So we made our way back to Annie’s office. If she wanted that spot on the hoarding show she was off to a good start. “Annie do you ever clean in here?” I asked blowing dust around as I spoke.
“It’s clean and quit breathing you are blowing my dust collection around too much. What do you want?”
“Annie Jr. didn’t get his gift, ” I said. “The ticket said…”
Annie stood up her top hat made her appear taller than normal. “Wrong SIR!” She screamed. “You STOLE Fizzy lifting drink! You get NOTHING!”
“I didn’t even see any fizzy lifting drink and I would not have drank it if I had. And I already got something.”
“She got die-a-rear.”Annie Jr. screamed. “I didn’t even get an ever lasting poop stopper! But if I ran the factory I would call them ever lasting poop ploppers and sell them. With everyone pooping I’d clean up!”
“So shines a pure fart!” Annie said. “You won Annie Jr., it’s your the factory. I have to pass it on and you are the one who will take it over.”
As if we didn’t already know how this was going to turn out, but Annie Jr. began to scream and the pair of them walked out the door where a crowd of people still gathered. Annie Jr. began tossing poop ploopers into the crowd.
“Ever lasting poop ploppers for all,” she screamed. $10 a piece pay on the way out!”
Annie climbed up on the podium and again went through the testing testing, again and once it was working correctly the podium began to move and Annie was driving through the crowd. I just knew that somehow she was going to get one of those.
She made a two hour long announcement about her plans for the future, like her junk yard she and Annie Jr. were starting immediately and something about a gold mine she had discovered. “Boogers bring big money on the auction block,” she yelled.
Annie Jr. approached the microphone when Annie had finished. He placed his hand over his heart, removed his poop hat and sang, “Gloria had a friend named Lulu. Gloria had a friend named Lulu. Gloria had a friend named Lulu and slam keeps pooping on.”
There was not a dry eye in the place even mine were watering but I think it was from the smell of the poop. “Now we have a special guest!” Annie screamed. “He will love this crowd. ”
I saw the secret service, and the hair, it couldn’t be. No it was only someone dressed up like Alex Baldwin. While people cheered, I ran out.
I reflected on the day. I thought this trip to the poop factory might bring an end to stuff, but it seemed things were expanding. Could life with Annie get any worse?