“Annie, can you please go clean yourself up. ”
Annie sniffed under her arm, inhaling deeply and smiling, then asked, “Why?”
“Your fur is filthy, you are leaving piles of dirt all over the house. I had to use an actual shovel to remove the dirt from counter this morning and I have asked you not to sleep on the counters multiple times.”
“Where’s my dirt?” Annie screamed leaping to her feet leaving the sand pile that had built up underneath her.
“I threw is away.” I said.
“YOU IDIOT SLAM!” Annie screamed, running to the garbage can. She began taking out the large pieces of trash and separating things from the dirt. “That’s money, Slam. I am selling it. People actually pay money for dirt.”
“Annie really? Come on!” I am exasperated with her foolishness.
“I made a hundred grand today alone,” Annie bragged.
“And it will take you 10 seconds to spend it all and you will be begging me for money or accidently using the ‘magic card’,” I replied sarcastically. “Now please go clean up. Your money making idea’s are not beneficial to me.”
“Fine, Slam!” Annie hissed, lifting the garbage bag full of dirt over her back. She walked out of the room, leaving the trash she had removed all over the floor.
I heard the water running in the bathroom, as I bent over to pick the garbage up off the floor; wondering how she was able to remove the dozen eggs she had cracked into the garbage can earlier because she was bored. At least she was cleaning up, I thought.
She came out a half hour later, I could smell her as soon as she opened the door. She was wearing her newest scent, Chicken Coop Cologne. I hurriedly plugged my nose, my eyes were burning. Then Annie stepped out from behind the door.
I immediately dropped my hand from my nose. I wiped the tears from my eyes and took another look, I couldn’t believe it. I wiped my eyes again, wiped a few specks out of my glasses and looked again. Sure enough I was seeing it, I still couldn’t believe it but I was seeing it.
She had completely shaved her fur, and replaced it with feathers. She had a cone tied around her face, to resemble a beak, and a blown up rubber glove on top of her head, and the finale a feather duster tied to her tail. “Come on Annie Jr.,” she called. “Let Mom mom get you ready.” She had my boyfriends electric clippers in her paw.
I wasn’t sure if I should comment on Annie’s appearance or stop her from repeating the appearance on Annie Jr. I chose the latter. “Wait Annie!” I hollered and they both stopped and looked at me.
“Annie WHY?” I screamed as soon as she shut the clippers off looking at me like I was the idiot.
“What?” Annie clucked.
“You look like a chicken!” I screamed.
“Yeah I know.” Annie laughed like it was the most normal thing in the world. She turned the clippers back on and headed towards Annie Jr. again.
“Annie, NO!” I yelled. “Don’t shave Annie Jr.” Her little fur was perfect, sleek, soft, shiny, Annie had yet to turn it into the scraggly mess her fur was, from repeated shavings, dyes, perms, waves, extensions, horns. “She starts school in a few weeks. You don’t want her to look weird.”
“What’s wrong with weird?” Annie asked.
I sighed, “Annie she should go to school looking like a cat not a chicken.”
“She will, a hairless cat.” Annie said.
“She should go looking like her normal self.”
“Okay,” Annie conceded. She settled with tying a beak on, a blowing up another rubber glove and securing the feather duster to Annie Jr. tail.
“Annie, why are you chickens?” I asked still confused by the whole thing.
“So our guest will feel welcomed,” Annie said.
“What guests?” I asked. I was so hoping for a quiet evening.
“Hey hey, Bruce, Light Bright, Nugget, Darth Vadar..” Annie began.
“Who are they?” I asked.
“Abe and Bryan’s chickens, they are coming for a slumber party?”
“Abe and Bryan?” I asked.
“Curry’s kids.” Annie stated. Curry was a girl I worked with.
“Her kids are coming too?” I asked, “And why am I hearing about this party now?”
“Cause you never use your hearing aid,” Annie responded.
“I don’t own a hearing aid!” I screamed.
“Well maybe you should,” Annie responded. “And Kiko is coming and Allie and Lars.”
“Annie really?” I sighed.
“Yes, really Slam! I have the food ordered, worms, seeds, cracked corn, buckets of bird pizza and moose made.”
I noticed Annie may have been dressed like a chicken but she was going to eat like one. Well she might have ate the worms. “Curry’s kids won’t eat that!” I screamed.
“Yes they would,” Annie said. “Curry can make delicious buckets of birds, even though she hates mustard. But they aren’t coming. I wanted them to, but they have some kind of poop throwing contest going on with some cheerleaders.”
“I heard some kind of gossip about that in the bathroom at work the other day, Annie. I heard your name mentioned. Something about your encouraging the throwing of poop and actually supplying it?” I asked.
“Wasn’t me,” Annie shrugged. “Duh Wane is bringing them. He will probably stay as long as he is in his chicken suit. You should get yours on.”
“I am not wearing a chicken suit.” I said.
“Then you can’t come!” Annie stated.
“I live here!” I screamed.
Annie shrugged. “Alright, Lars can be a chicken and you can be Old Mc Donald.”
“Who is Duh Wane?” I asked.
“Abe and Bryan’s grandfather. They call him Grammy though.”
“Grammy? Grampy you mean?”
“No Grammy,” Annie replied. “He won one for his musical talent.”
About 7:30 they all showed up. Duh Wane wound up staying, dressed as a chicken. He enjoyed quite a bit of Moose Made and played a juice harp. There was a chicken named Bruce. They called him a chicken but referred to him in the male context. He had a loud crow but carried a purse. Darth Vader carried a lighted stick. Lite Bright kept plugging herself in and even Annie’s spoiled milk scented air freshener could not make the smell of fried chicken go away. Nugget kept laying golden eggs all over the place. Hey hey, oh hey hey. She waltzed around all night saying, “Hey, hey, hey,” in an annoying voice while she cracked her gum loudly. She was kind of fat.
At Midnight, they were all in the kitchen singing very loudly, “Don’t Bring Me Clowns, BRUCE! Don’t bring me clowns.” By two am the downstairs neighbors, who pounded on their ceiling for an hour and finally called the cops were in the kitchen enjoying moose made and singing along. The three police officers who had responded to the scene added some deep baritone voices to Annie preforming, “Thank God, I’m a country cat.” Duh Wane played a juice harp solo and then accompanied Bruce with his accordion while they played the chicken dance. It was a hit and they played it 18 times because guests kept showing up. No one slept.
It broke up around 5 am. I wearily cleaned the kitchen and decided to take a shower before I turned into bed. My eyes were half closed as I pulled the curtain back and stepped into the shower. I knew something was wrong immediately. I walked into Annie’s instant chicken costume machine. I had no idea she was storing it in the shower. I was covered in feathers and I had a rubber glove full of air on my head. SMH. Life with Annie!