“So the crazy pig lady who lived across the path from Annie Swanka,” Annie Jr. shared as she sat on my lap after an afternoon at the poop factory visiting with her friend.
“Crazy pig lady?” I interrupted. “Wasn’t it a cat lady?”
“No, Slam,” Annie Jr. explained. “Back then it was crazy pig ladies not crazy cat ladies. You have to remember those songs from then!”
“Annie Jr. first I was not alive 75 years ago and secondly I have no idea what songs you are talking about!” I responded.
Annie Jr. sang, “How much is that piggy in the window? The one with the scraggily tail.” Then she continued with, “To market to market to buy a fat pig home again home again wearing a wig.”
I sighed. “That is not the way those songs go.”
“Thought you weren’t alive 75 years ago?” Annie Jr. demanded.
“I wasn’t!” I insisted, “But I have heard those songs and those are not the words.”
“They were back then. So the crazy pig lady had 150 pigs in her house.” Annie Jr. continued. “One day a huge truck came and astronauts went into her house and said she had too many pigs and she had to clean up all the poop because there were gobs and gobs of it all over her house and they took all of her pigs. It was then that Jackie Nermal dressed as a pig, ran away from home and began living with the pig lady. Jackie Nermal took advantage of all the poop and tried to built her own poop factory but she only wound up making poop soup. She then struck a deal with Annie Swanka and sold her rights to mine the poop from the crazy pig lady’s house. It did not last long, because even though Annie Swanka made the best deals in a bigly way, Jackie Nermal had another trick up her sleeve. Dressed as a Persian Hacker, Jackie Nermal, was granted a tour of the factory. Her phony impersonation had worked! Jackie Nermal stole the secret formula for the ever lasting poop stopper!”
Annie Jr. paused for a breath and her voice became dramatic. “If Jackie Nermal could create an ever lasting poop stopper, the crazy pig lady’s pigs would no longer poop. No one would poop and Annie Swanka would be out of business forever!””
Annie Jr. stopped and began licking herself. She patted my face with her paw and laid her head on my chest, then purred as her eye lids began to droop. “What happened?” I screamed.
“Bout what?” Annie Jr. answered bolting upright.
“Jackie Nermal and the secret formula!” I sighed.
“I dunno, Annie Swanka fell asleep right then and she snores like a Hefalump.”
“But if the crazy pig lady’s pigs got taken why would Jackie Nermal need to stop them from pooping?” I asked determined to eventually prove that there really wasn’t a Annie Swanka, or long line of Annie’s going back a gazillion years.
“She got new ones. To Market to market to buy a fat hog, home again home again, driving a slog.” Annie Jr. sang.
“What’s a slog?” I asked.
“Something you drive,” Annie Jr. answered. “Annie said you rode a slog to school every day.”
“I never even heard the word slog until now. So the crazy pig lady just went and bought more hogs; I mean pigs.”
“Hogs are pigs, Slam. Hogs are boys, pigs are girls, you get pork from a hog and hams and hot dogs from a pig. They both grow bacon, and you get pigs feet from their tails. Annie like howls, that comes from the hinder ender. ” Annie Jr explained.
“Jowls, Annie Jr.” I corrected, not even bothering to correct her anatomy of swine.
“No Howls. Howls say, “Give a toot, don’t wear a suit.” Hoodsey Howl? Do You know him?”
“He’s friends with Chokey the Bear, I suppose?” I asked sarcastically.
Annie Jr. began the crazy Annie laugh, “No Slam,” she giggled. “It’s Chokey the Lemur.”
I really had to convince Annie to let Annie Jr. go to school in the fall. Annie’s was leaning towards home schooling her, I was pushing Annie to send her to school. After all, she needed more friends than Annie and her poker buddies. I caught her pinky swearing with Chad the other day. The guy is completely weird, and Annie Jr. needs cat friends or at least friends her own age.
Annie hasn’t been around a lot lately anyways. She is getting things ready for the golden ticket winners to tour the factory. She says that it’s going to be the biggest and the winningest tour you could ever imagine. “People will love it hugely,” Annie bragged. “Believe me!” She is wearing that MA(a)GA hat; it’s blue though and stands for “Make Annie (a) Grand Again.”
Besides, Annie wasn’t home schooled. She went to school, I remember buying her school supplies and packing her little book bag that first year when she headed off to school with her mom. Annie Jr. could go with Philly, to pre-school; Annie went to preschool with K8, even though Annie had graduated, just barely several times, including a college degree in poopology.
I watched Annie sleeping nearby me, still covered in dirty and filth from the poop factory. I absolutely had to beg her to clean up lately. I began to reflect back when Annie was little and starting school for the first time. As I got lost in my memories, I began to remember the crazy cat lady.