Several times a year Annie will get deeply into religion. I know Annie has been teaching Annie Jr to be her so it was bound to begin at some point however, I had kind of hoped that the religion part of her multi-faceted personality would be at the bottom of the list. Annie found that list and brought religion to the top or maybe she planned it all along and so it began.
The worst part is that her religion is as multi-faceted as her personality. One minute she will be preaching a fire and brim-stone sermon and the next she will be kneeling in front of the toilet with a steaming bowl of rat intestines as gifts for the God. One second she will be forcing me to give her ‘love’ gifts because it is NOT her birthday, or Christmas, or Easter, or any other holiday many people give gifts for, because SHE does NOT celebrate those holidays because they are pagan holidays and since she misses out I must give her ‘love’ gifts through out the year, and heading off to a costume party with her fellow worshipers in the Middle of June so those costumes they picked up ridiculously cheap on November 1st, along with all of the cheap ‘seasonal candy’ they toss in the freezer, can be worn without a hat and heavy sweater underneath or a rain coat on top so it won’t be ruined, or without a snowmobile suit and hip boats or a Harvest Dinner the day after Thanksgiving, Annie is always up for Turkey and Stuffing with and without mice gizzards, the next she will be tweeting to the Pope or waiting in line for face time chats with the Dalai Lama.
Everything she has taught Annie Jr about being her has been epic, and remembering her last party with Rov and the boys, Asa and the haunted Lawn Mower, I was so worried. So far we had gotten through nine thousand rounds of ‘Bringing in the Cheese!” her favorite song on Little House, the collection plate being randomly waved in front of my nose every half hour and Annie screaming, “The only clinking in the plate folks best be the clink of a credit card. Silence in the house of GOWWWWWWWDDDDDDDD!!!!” Then she goes into a hysterical fit while Annie Jr waves a rubber snake in her face complete with a rattle, and you know it’s fake because you can see Annie’s lips move when she tries to throw her ‘hiss’. And so it was that Annie took young Annie Jr on a self healing journey to learn about nature and how it impacts us.
Along with Rov’s friend Slax, they ventured into the Wilderness and dressed in only loin cloths they made from leaves “poison ivy”, Annie said were correct and safe to wear, they began building a hut using only those things accessible in their surroundings. Slax fashioned a hatchet from a tree limb he chewed off with his teeth, a sharp stone he dug out of the mud with his bare fingers, (his manicure was ruined) and some vines he yanked down from a near by patch of wild grapes growing among some black berry bushes. Annie made a back hoe out of a pile of grass, two beetles and some otter dung.
Annie and Annie Jr. had an entire city of clay huts made before Slax began itching from his leafy loin cloth, (the Annies were not bothered by it as their fur protected them), so they set off to look at nature. They happened up on a few beavers and watched them work on their dam, when Annie decided that she and Annie Jr should get real close to nature and become beavers. So, they donned their beaver costumes complete with tails and buck teeth, left Slax howling, itching and rolling around, covering himself in Annie’s left over cement she made, which was beginning to harden and headed back to town to build a beaver dam on a creek that was close to the city.
When they finished that, they felt that cleaning up Mother Earth was most important. The spent an entire week sweeping all the city streets using the gutters as ‘God sent dust pans.’ The last pan was to wash everything sparkly so they geared up the weather machine, to send a down soaking rain and heavy winds to rid the dirt and cob webs that accumulated around town. Everything clean for Fourth of July, because of course things have to be clean when Annie’s poop float comes gushing brown stinky corn filled waste along the street.
And I should have known, I should have known as soon as Annie started building her Ark. Why was I surprised? “And the earth shall flood and those who are sinners will perish in the flood…two of every kind,” she screamed as she hammered nails into the bow of her ark.
Her two of every kind was herself and Annie Jr. Lars, who was spending the night, Olga the St. Bernard she bought as a friend for Lars (Olga is a boy dog), Kiko, Allie, Clyde her turkey, Chad…Snoopy and Norbert were allowed to board, however Janey (Elaine) and Moo were denied entry they were told two of every kind except yours. I didn’t try to board until I noticed Phil standing on the deck and went to rescue her and take my chances with a flood if one were to happen.
The next morning, I awoke to see it was still raining, it had been raining since I left work the evening before as a matter of fact it had started right before I got out of the car I got soaked by the wind and rain, and the ark was gone. I turned on the news and saw the highway that runs along my house was completely flooded, cars under water. The heavy rain had filled a near by creek and it had overflowed the banks plus the rain was filling the gutters and it had no place to go and manholes were popping up all over town.
I watched people riding canoes down the middle of the street, a guy floating by on a blow up dolphin, an older couple in a house boat, a cement statue of a guy in a loin cloth which he appeared to be tugging at and what looked to be a frozen howl on his face and then Annie and Annie Jr. floating by with a bunch of friends on her Ark christened the ‘party barge’ and a big banner proclaiming “flood of 2017”, while a Grimace and Barney played guitars and sang “Smoke on the Water,” while Annie tossed water proof fire works into the water to celebrate the up coming Holiday. I shook my head and walked away from the tube.
At least the religious lesson is over!