“What time is Mom’s party?” Annie asked early Saturday morning.
“We are planning on getting there around two,” I replied.
“Me and Annie Jr. will see you there, I am picking up Mom’s present. By the way, I baked that cake for you.” she waved as she and Annie Jr. teleported off with Kiko.
“My cake!” I screamed. I dash to the kitchen to see what kind of mess she made. I hate it when Annie utilizes the kitchen and even worse the food she creates in it. The phone rings and I stop and slow down to answer it.
“Slam, it’s me Annie!” Annie screams into the phone with her megaphone.
“I know Annie, you set ring tone so it screams, ‘Slam, it’s me Annie! Pick up your phone!”
“Hmm that’s crazy isn’t it. I frogot to tell you, I ordered Mom’s presents from Amazon, she got them today.”
“Wait why did you send them there? I need to wrap them.” I sighed.
“I had them wrapped already,” Annie said.
“Did you write a card?” I asked, “and order the right thing?”
“Yes, Slam, the movie and the foot thing.” Annie screamed.
“What did you write on the card, then?” I demanded.
“Love all of us or something generic,” Annie replied.
She was acting weird, she even put the megaphone down. “Alright,” I relented,”and don’t be late!”
I stepped into the kitchen and it sparkled. A perfectly normal looking cake sat on the table and it even smelt good. A poop factory cake I thought and then I saw the empty cake box in the trash. I went to the computer to see what Annie ordered, and she had in fact ordered the right items and the movie was not in Russian this time. I was charged for gift wrap and it had been delivered. Something was up, things were working out a little too well. “Slam, it’s me Annie! Pick up the phone!” my phone rang.
“Slam, it’s me Annie!” A megaphoned voice screamed when I answered, “Hello, Annie.” The voice as loud as it was, was somewhat comforting as it made her appear normal and less threatening. “I got all the stuff for the pizza too,” she yelled. “So you and Dad don’t have too. It’s in the fridge.”
She hung up after sweetly yelling, “Bye Sweetie.”
“That was it,” I thought opening the fridge, “A moose made crust, rat blood sauce, mouse cheese, fish eyes all the makings for an Annie pizza!” However, all the fridge contained was a neat little bag with all of the things, I normally would have bought for a pizza.
I was terrified when we finally got in the car with the pizza makings and the cake. My boyfriend had to get gas, we are still renting the car from Annie plus making the payments because he has yet to win it back in the poker game, and she demands the tank be on full at all times. It’s part of the rental agreement.
Finally we are walking up the steps to my daughter’s and I fell a rush of wind fly by me on the stairs. It’s the Annie’s and Kiko. “Moooooom,” Annie screams, “we are here!” then, “Where’s Slam? Late again! Oh my god almighty she is always late!”
“She’s right behind you, Annie,” her Mom says.
Annie turns and glares at me. “Happy Birthday, Mother,” Annie says lightly kissing her mom’s cheek. “Annie Jr. come hug, Slamma Jr.”
Annie makes her way around the room, “Aunt Chicken, darling you look lovely!” A kiss kiss on each cheek “Brussel, how nice to see you again, son!” a firm handshake “K8! My bestie, c’mere girlfriend!” a squealing hug and “Phil it’s grammy annie angel. Ohh my colon!” a bent over old lady hugging a diapered baby. Then a waving hand at the unknown children hanging out, and a megaphone screaming Annie saying, “MOOOM who are those? They will eat all the cake!”
“Annie there is enough,” her mom says softly.
I finally stop shaking knowing Annie is acting herself. There is plenty of food, and we finally get down to the best part; presents. Both of my presents have gift cards that say love Annie and Annie Jr. A few more gifts are open and then it is Annie’s turn.
“Come look mom, come look!”
Annie runs down the stairs and she is standing next to a 2017 metallic blue corvette. “Huh, huh?” She asks, caressing the side of it gently. “I got a good deal. Slam I borrowed a little off your card,” she explained. “Just a couple K, but look at her.”
“Two thousand?” I thought. Worth it yes, this car looked in mint condition well what we could see of it. We could only see the back quarter of it.
“Annie! OMG…thank you! My dream car!”
“You love her right Mom,” Annie screamed running, to be captured in a hug by her happy happy Mother.
With Annie in her arms purring and rubbing all over her, Annie’s mom ran to the car. Her mouth was hanging open in a huge smile and I think her tongue might have been out. Her eyes were crossed in delirium. She suddenly stopped short and her arms opened wide and Annie thankfully was able to engage her parachute as she fell to the ground.
She said, nothing but her face was red and steam was coming from her ears and nose. I was scared. I heard Annie scream from under her parachute, “It’s fine Mom, a few turns of the screw, and it starts. Listen.” She is already in the car turning the key when I get there.
The whole entire front end is smashed in. The engine is laying on the front seat. There is just enough room to get behind the wheel. Annie turns the key, the car sputters but starts running and it’s loud like the muffler is about to fall off, steam is coming out of it, the horn is honking like an injured goose, the windshield wipers are going and there is a pair of glasses embedded in the windshield that is so full of cracks you can’t see through it.
“See Mom, it’s fine,” Annie shouted over the sound of the engine which she kept reving and causing smoke to billow everywhere. “Room for you…” she announced patting the seat. “Room for Phil in the back. And the air bag didn’t go off so it’s still good.”
The engine came to an abrupt halt. “Out of gas,” Annie announced looking at the squashed dash board.
“Annie, you spent two thousand dollars on a car with it’s front end bashed in?” I yelled.
“It wasn’t like that when I bought it,” she said.
“Then how did these glasses get embedded in the windshield?” I asked.
“Them are mine,” Annie replied.
“You don’t wear glasses!” I stamped my foot.
“You know I am blind in one eye and can’t see out of the other, I’ve always worn glasses.”
“No you haven’t and why would you be driving if you are blind!”
“All cars are in braille now,” Annie explained.
“How did this even happen?”
“I accidently hit a plow jeep.”
“A plow jeep? Your plow jeep?”
“No Norbert’s, he bought it back from me for $20 and he took the money out of Dad’s pants, but I told him it was okay.”
“Annie for goodness sakes, I am not a bank!”
“Of course Slam I know that, I took it from Dad. The plow jeep is fine, and so is Annie Jr.”
“Annie Jr. was driving it?”
“Yeah, she drives good.”
“Why didn’t you teleport it?” I screamed. “You have one use it.”
“We did Slam after the accident.”
“Why did you drive it to begin with, Annie? That looked like it was a nice car.”
“I had to make sure I fixed the axle.” Annie explained.
“Yeah it was broked in half, that is why I got a good deal but I fixed it with that stuff you make boats with.”
“That thing on TV, Flex-seal that you ordered a ton of?”
“Yeah…” Annie said.
“That’s for leaks.”
“I know that now, it broked again that is why the muffler sounds funny, it dragged a little, but I got some of that stuff left.”
At that moment, everyone started moaning in pain and stomach rumbles could be heard. The party goers scattered running for toilets and bushes, except for Phil and one of those guy who where both in diapers.
“Ha ha, slex lax always works in chocolate cake.”
“Annie it’s Ex-lax,” corrects Annie Jr.
Annie was normal again. My fears subsided as I squatted in a bush next to her Mom. “Just think,” she said. “Now you got two of them. And Annie Jr. seems smarter. You are in trouble!”
I know I know.