Another Friday Night, as usual Annie is curled up at the end of my bed, air conditioner so high ice is forming, in her Oscar the grouch green fluffy jammies with a hood, munching some sort of popped eyeballs, this time with her new daughter Annie Jr. curled up beside her watching an endless plethora of Haunted Reality shows. Her lawn mower is standing with its plow up; next to her. I begged her to take it outside and she screamed that scrapers would get it and refused. We have a shed. So every night she brings it upstairs and parks it by the bed. She replaced the stairs with ramps so she can drive up and down with ease but it makes it difficult to climb up so she attached a rope.
My boyfriend heads off to work and I turn off the lights while Annie and Annie Jr. crunch their eyes, and hug each other through the scary parts and talk and giggle really loudly through the commercials. I lay down and try to sleep, however the scarier the shows get the closer the Annie’s get to me, until both of them are hovering over my head reclining on the pillow, still loudly crunching eyes and squirting some sort of liquid gunk all over. Whenever the music on the show gets creepy, Annie tenses up, crunches faster and messier, she is wearing these weird glasses she made in her poop factory so she is up close and personal with the tv, she said everything is in 5-D, ( dalmatian ) she explained it is “technicality, Slam.” Technology aside every time something scary happens, Annie screams into her megaphone scaring Annie Jr. who jumps on my face 20 claws tear into my flesh and sharp little fangs clamp down on my nose. This continues for about an hour until my face is wet with blood and eye gunk, I get up and head to the bathroom to wash my face and tell Annie as I leave that this is the last episode and then she is to watch a cartoon or something a little less painful.
An hour later, both Annie’s are at the bottom of the bed watching, Old Flintstone re-runs. I drift in and out hitting sleep then jumping awake when that crazy laugh x’s two filled the room. Finally, wearing their 5 D glasses the pair of them climb up to my head and continue watching talking softly through the megaphones, and slurping cold Moose Made noisily through straws. The last thing I heard before sleep was, “if we mixed a porcupine and a beaver, we could make a back scratcher for Great Slam.”
“She isn’t great, Annie Jr. she’s an idiot!”
I hit hard sleep and it lasted for three quarters of an hour and then awoke to what sounded like a bomb going off. Thick black smoke and the smell of old gas and burning rubber filled the air, a loud engine filled my ears, and Annie Jr. was attached to my face biting hard into my already sore nose. I reach for the light and Annie swats my hand away, and screams, “No Slam, you will screw up my camera, now shut up!”
I flip the light on fast. The lawn mower is running, the plow slowly going up and down and no one is on it. I peel Annie Jr. off my face and notice both she and Annie are dressed in Ghost Buster outfits, they have all of their ghost hunting equipment out.
“Thanks, Slam, we were trying to communicate with Asa.” Annie howls.
“Who is Asa?” I demand and then, “Turn that lawn mower off!”
“I ain’t going near that mower,” Annie said cowering next to Annie Jr. “Asa is doing it.”
“Who is ASA?” I yell again shutting off the mower.
“The old guy that died on that lawn mower,” Annie explain. “And you don’t need to shout he is dead not dead.”
“That’s deaf, Annie and when did some old guy die on this lawn mower? I know you got it from the junk yard but…”
“1942,” Annie replied.
“Annie they didn’t have lawn mowers like this in 1942, how old was he?”
“A hundred and seven,” Annie said, “But he was a hundred and six when he died.”
“Annie that doesn’t make sense…what did he die of old age while driving a lawn mower in a year when it hadn’t existed.” I asked.
“Well,” Annie began, “He was driving the lawn mower and a low tree branch hit him in the neck and knocked him off the lawn mower.”
“And that’s what killed him? Annie the whole thing sounds made up.” I sighed, shutting off the air conditioning the smoke from the lawn mower was freezing and I found it hard to breath.
“Really Slam?” Annie screams running to turn the air back on yanking her pajama’s off. “My hot FLASHES!”
“Annie, cat’s don’t get hot flashes and besides, I get hot flashes and have to go climb in the fridge to get warm when you have the air on. So it that how Ida died?”
“It’s Asa! And NO a wood pecker pecked his face off, that killed him. They call him Lawn Mower Ghost. It’s why I bought this one. ”
“Annie a woodpecker would not have pecked his face off and even if there was a remote chance a woodpecker; who normally would be scared away by the sound of the mower, decided to attack someone with their beak, it would not kill them. Hurt maybe, kill no.”
“But the woodpecker had to, Slam. She had a nest of babies and when Asa bumped the tree the babies fell out of the tree and a cat got ’em. And then the lawn mower ran over the cat, then a cot-e-yodi (coyote) came by and ate the cat guts…the cat had radies so the cot-e-yodi got it and he tried to eat a cow but a dog got him and the dog turned into a zombie and then…”
“Annie stop you are making all of this up!”
At that moment, the lawn mower started up again. “Annastasia Anna Maria Albergeti Squared, get it out of here and take it back to the junk yard tomorrow and get MY money back.”
The lawn mower stopped, the two Annie’s looked at each other and shrugged. “We got enough footage. ” Annie Jr. said.
“And we have to get something for my Mom’s birthday tomorrow.”
“Slammie Jr.’s birthday party? Ohhh boy!” Annie Jr. claps.
“So we will take Asa and his lawn mower back to the junk yard, and get something for my mom…” adding, “Is that okay Slam? I am a little short and I want something good for Mom.”
“Alright, Annie. Now out with the lawn mower and then we are settling down to sleep.”
Thick black smoke froze in the air one last time as Annie started her mower and drove it down the stairs. Funny how getting near it moments ago to shut it off, scared her too much and now Asa or no Asa Annie was not just only turning the key but driving it.
At least it would be gone, although I didn’t believe Annie for a moment. Imagine some old guy getting pecked to death by revengeful bird, besides she and Annie Jr. had just watch multiple episodes of Woody Woodpecker with Phil a few days ago. So I saw through all of this.
I FINALLY closed my eyes listening to the obnoxious snoring of both Annie’s. I drifted off and in a distance I heard the lawn mower start. I put the pillow over my head and ignored it.