At 7 am Saturday morning, Annie sat a top a  throne made of gold and red velvet,  as her loyal subjects aka her kids, aka every pet in the house that she really hates most of the time. line up and bestow gifts up on their once a year mother.

Annie starts with the youngest and most hated, Janey.    Janey has a lovely lavender colored box in her hands, it’s tied up with a huge red bow and little pink flowers scatter the purple wrapping.    The card is pink, and Janey also hands Annie 3 dozen pink, purple and red roses, with a half a dozen white ones thrown in.   Her favorite colors.    The card is a hand drawn card by some famous Italian Painter of the 16th Century that Janey traveled back through time to get. Inside the card, a literally thousands of 100 dollar bills and a huge stack of lottery tickets.      The bow is velvet and the wrapper is a fine silk scarf from some other  Country.   Inside the box is a necklace made of thick heavy gold with a rare jewel from Madrid,  in the center.    It says, #1 Mom….Annie!”   The box is wooden and it is hand carved in Switzerland.    She also has a large heart shaped box, made of balsam and red velvet, filled with chocolate candies, buttery moose cream, moose made root beer filled, crunchy beaks and assorted feet….it was exactly what Annie asked for.  ‘

She also had a tray full of every single thing Annie could possibly want for breakfast.    Fresh Mallard Eggs scrambled with llama fur and toasted bird beaks with turtle toe jam,  A bowl of fish eyes and antelope milk, deep fried buckets of birds, moose made coffee (she has stock in moose made brand). Annie dips points of toasted bird bread into caviar while Janey plays a song on her violin and sings in perfect pitch, “Annie is the best Mom in the world, Annie is the best Mom in the sea.”

Annie screams when Janey finishes, “Really Janey I can see you put absolutely no thought into this present.   You are disowned, and get from my sight.”   Janey dissolves in tears wondering how she could have made it better.

Snoop gives her a yo yo he made of out a mouse named Jack and a string.   Annie liked it.   Moo lapped her face with her tongue, Annie slapped her nose and told her to go lay down.    Norbert just gave her his credit card, Annie said, “thanks son.”

She spent the rest of the day opening gifts from adopted children around the world that were still coming in and singing “Sweet Gnome, Slamma Jamma”, to me  all afternoon.

“Just wait til tomorrow, Slam,” Annie kept promising.

Sunday Moring, I wake up to the smell of fresh ground coffee, pancakes frying, home made syrup, and I can hear the crackle of sausage as it hits the pan.    I start towards the kitchen and Annie slams the door and yells, “Get OUT!”

I hear my boyfriend coming up the stairs, and Annie opens the door and yanks me into the kitchen.   “He’s here!” She yells as she digs her claws into my arm.

Suddenly I am in the kitchen.   I am awed.   The table is set and there is an actual chef cooking an elaborated breakfast.    Annie is jumping up and down with her happy face on.

My boyfriend comes through the door and Annie shouts excitedly, “Happy Mother’s Day Dad!”

In addition to the breakfast ,which was good actually, until Annie announced that we couldn’t even taste the ground rat tails in everything; (My boyfriend kept eating it. ) Annie got him a tie (he never wears them), cuff links (he doesn’t wear them either), golf clubs (he doesn’t play) and then announced the best surprise of all.   “Something you have wanted your whole wide life,” she sang out.

She and Kiko ran downstairs and I heard Annie yelling, “Get those ramps straight, Kiko so I can drive it right up!” Her voice was drowned out by the loudest most obnoxious motor I have ever heard, there is a loud back fire then the sound of an air horn and here comes Annie through the front door on a bright green riding lawn mower with a plow on the front.   Black smoke is coming from underneath, it keeps back firing, the mower part is on and it is spinning against the floor and sharp pieces of wood are going all over.   Annie honks the air horn she mounted on the front and raises the plow which say in bright pink nail polish,  “Hippo Nutter’s Gay, Bad!”   The heavy scent of gas fills the air and I am choking on the smoke.

“Shut it off Annie.”  I scream.

“What?” Annie screams into her megaphone.  “I can’t hear!”

“Shut it off,” I yell again making my hand look like I am turning a set of keys.

Annie shrugs.   She revs the engine three times then blows the air horn and shuts it down.

“What, Slam?” Annie screams into the quiet air.

I just shake my head, and pick splinters out of my face.

“Am I right Dad?”  Annie yells….”A couple turns of the screw and it will be perfect.”   She kisses the top of his bald head.   “No need to thank me Father.   I got it cheap at the junk yard!”   He liked it.

Annie announced she was going to spend Mother’s Day with her Mom, took the chef and left.   Another typical Mother’s Day with Annie.




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