Annie had a huge birthday party planned for my birthday this year which was May the 2nd. It was my big 5-0. I wasn’t looking forward to it. Any reason for Annie, to gather a group of her friends together, yes her friends, because I don’t have any because of Annie. I was friends with the girl who lives in the apartment underneath mine, Jewel. She lives with Coral; you know Jewel and Coral, get it.
Anyway Jewel and I would hang out drink coffee and stuff. Whenever we hung out, Annie would be right there, flicking her Cool-Ella cigarette, the one with no cigarette but ashes go all over, drinking her coffee and catching up on the neighbor hood gossip. Annie is such a drama queen. So now they are besties.
Annie always invites her to my birthday party and typical Annie party, there are so many people, and animals, and things there you can not even elbow anything out of the way. It’s ways in the back yard, which is small, and she doesn’t even mow it, she just buys a couple goats, why she doesn’t just get a couple of them from her sanctuary is beyond me. They stay for the party.
There is always karaoke, county music only, I hate it. Plenty of coolers full of moose made root beer, and a few kegs of it, I don’t drink it. She never buys soda but can always seem to come up with a half full warm bottle of store brand soda that is flat and it has stuff growing on the top in a greenish scum and it smells like pee.
Annie starts making the food a week ahead of time, she cooks all of it herself, she and her friends stock pile road kill for weeks. What a smell when her barbecued beaver flanks that have been marinating in skunk milk in the hot sun for a week, hit that grill for a charcoal crunching 37.5 seconds on each side before they are flopped on a plate and served with bird beak and cat nip salad, covered in a creamy reindeer milk dressing. This is followed up with a huge cake, one year it was shaped like a huge chunk of cheese, it looked so real, rubber mice could be seen through the little holes in the cheese. A huge rubber rat sat on top holding up a candle. It looked real so real, then I went to blow out the candle and the rat holding it yelled, “hurry up Slam,” and I realized it was real. I screamed and the rat dropped the candle and melted the cheese and hundreds of rats and mice came running out. They had a fondue instead. I didn’t partake. I heard this year, Chad was supposed to jump out of a cake.
The party normally ends with a fight, red flashing lights, or some other sort of chaos and by that time I am in my bed hiding. The next day I clean up the mess, while Annie lays around with an ice pack on her head and screaming at me if I even breath.
Normally, my children plan my birthday party on a weekend. This year they had it on my birthday, which was Tuesday. Annie had a fit. She planned my party for the same day. She went on a 72 hour non stop rant about how I allowed MY KIDS to mess up her plans. Which didn’t make sense because her party started after the get together with my kids, it started at midnight; after I would be asleep for the night and I wasn’t even invited. Annie cancelled her party.
Then she started a drama post on facebook, you know what I mean, “Try to do something gr8 for someone and they (little row of poop with faces) on you!” All of her zillion and eight followers jump on for support, and she gets mad all my kids for their failure to comment on her post.
By Friday she is over it and decides that because of my kids, and their ruining of my party she will take me and some of the ‘girls’ out. First a nice relaxing day at the spa. It’s a spa and pet grooming place. I come out looking like a poodle, I begged off on the having ‘happy big 5-0″ shaved on the back of my head saying that she had already done more than enough. Annie, got dyed ‘blue and amber’ (yellow and gray) and her friend Helga a legit witch with the hat and everything got more fungus scales added to her toenails, and snail slime facial, I begged off on that one too, Annie got one but then the snail disappeared, she named him Fred.
“Ready for lunch?” Annie screamed as she swiped her credit card paying for the huge bill and adding a large tip. Off she skipped to a nearby eatery.
Annie ordered a bucket of birds sub, and a bottle of monkey milk, Helga, the witch’s stew with a shot of spider webs and I ordered a plain cheese pizza and a bottle of coke. “Get a bottle of Moose Made it’s your birthday, and get some mouse tails on that pizza, Slam,” Annie said patting my back. “Live it up money is no option.”
“I hate moose made root beer, Annie and I doubt I will be able to even eat my pizza looking at your mayo and blood soaked sub but I won’t with mouse tails.” I said.
I placed my order and Annie said, “Go sit sweetie, You are old and frail,” Annie said from the seat of her scooter. I do go and sit with Helga the witch. Annie scoots over a short time later. She passes out the drinks, I get Moose Made, and pizza with bird eyes. Annie eats my lunch.
Next on the list is a movie, four long exciting hours of zit popping fun. I beg off saying I am not feeling well, as I am old and frail. Both Annie and Helga have gas and Annie drove us in her tank so we can not open a window or anything and Annie laughs and says, “Thank you,” and squirts her “What’s that smell” air freshener; ‘Skunk body odor’.
“Alright Slam,” Annie gives in easily knowing she can drop me off and grab Kiko and head off to the movie without me cause she bought advanced tickets. She pulls up to our house and as I climb out of the tank, I hear Annie screaming, “The best present of all, something you always wanted?”
I stick my head out of the hatched and see it in the driveway. Annie is jumping around screaming, “Am I right? Am I right?”
About six months ago, I saw a jeep with a plow on it and remarked to my boyfriend jokingly I needed one but I would want a new one that was pink and purple, my plow jeep. Annie must have over heard. Licensed and registered sitting in my drive way was a plow jeep.
It’s green and yellow, the paint is still wet, it’s flat wall paint, the wind shield is painted with green with yellow polka dots and fur is stuck all in the paint. On the plow, written in black nail polish are the words “Hippo Bag Fife Oreo, Clam.” There is no engine and one tire.
The inside is completely stripped with the exception of one front seat (passenger) in which a family of squirrels are living and the glove compartment which is home to a mouse his wife and 8 babies.
“Annie,” I screamed, “There are animals living in it!”
“And on it,” Annie looks up and waves at a bird landing in a nest. “Hi, Stagnant. How are Stella and the eggs?” Then she bends down and waves a claw at a spider building a web in the door jam (there are no doors). “Hey Hiram! Looking good buddy!”
“WHY?” I scream.
“Oh they live here. They paid their rent in advance, three years worth.” Annie explained.
I felt some relief, maybe with the rent money I could get the junk yard to come get the jeep out of the driveway and have money left over to buy myself something I really wanted. Maybe a plain cheese pizza and a coke, Annie had four hours of zit popping to watch.
“Okay where is the money Annie?” I said putting out my hand out.
“What money?” Annie asked looking confused.
“The rent money.” I said slowly, “Isn’t that what we were talking about?”
“Oh!” Annie replied finally getting it. “Well technically the jeep was mine so I already spent that.”
“On what?” I screamed.
“Lottery tickets,” Annie replied. “I won $4200!”
“Really?” I screamed. “Where is it?”
“Gave it to some guy,” was not the response I wanted.
“Slam I am not old enough to play lottery tickets.”
I called the junk yard make arrangements for them to come and get the plow jeep. I paid $50 to get it out of the drive way. Annie hugs me and says, “Happy Birthday Slam. Here’s your credit card back, I took a hundred out in cash for the snacks at the movies.”
Yep, I paid for the entire day of money is no object. And the plow jeep. And the advance movie tickets for a movie I never went too. Thanks Annie just thanks.