Once a year, Annie holds a private viewing of  “101 Dalmations.”  I don’t know why she calls it a private viewing, it’s on DVD and pretty much anyone can go, I mean gathering 101 anything together to act out a movie while it plays, is out is difficult enough.    She has it at Aunt Paulie’s every year.   Well for the last two years Annie has failed to get enough attendees to fill all the parts, so people have to double up.    She blames it on Aunt Paulie because she doesn’t have a big enough tv.    Aunt Paulie argues that she can not afford a bigger tv especially the one Annie chose which is beyond anyone’s normal budget plus it won’t fit in Aunt Paulie’s apartment and she would probably get kicked out.   The last time her apartment manager, Donimick, had a fit when Annie paraded through the front door with a bunch of woodland creatures when they were having a private viewing of Bambi.   Why does she have it at Aunt Paulie’s you may wonder?   Well, because Aunt Paulie is the only one who can fit in both the little old maid outfit and the horse costume.    Bambi, Aunt Paulie is always a tree.

She might just pick Aunt Paulie because she is the only one in the family who likes these movies with a passion.  I think though a lot of it has to do with gaining as much access to Aunt Paulie’s as possible.   See Annie really wants Aunt Paulie to be on that show, “My 600 lbs life.”  Annie wanted to be on it until I explained that it really isn’t possible for her to weigh 600 lbs.   She wanted me to do it but I explained if I weighed 600 lbs I would be disabled and we’d have to cut expenses  way back.   So she picked Aunt Paulie.

At first she started leaving tasty treats around Aunt Paulie’s, peanut butter eggs, cocoa puffs and gallons of milk, then pizza, big Macs, after a few years Aunt Paulie got wise and started exercising and eating right and started loosing weight and ignoring all the food Annie enticed her with.    Of course we all know if Annie wants something she either buys it on the internet or invents it and makes it in her poop factory.

I am not totally sure how she obtained it but she sprinkles this stuff on all of Aunt Paulie’s food and it adds millions of calories to it.   Aunt Paulie will be eating a slice of lettuce and drinking a bottle of diet water and legit you can see her expand.   Once she was eating a bowl of wind pudding and she expanded so much her clothes ripped.   Aunt Paulie is  constantly  replacing her food and has been limiting Annie’s visits.

When Annie arrived at Aunt Paulie’s she was extremely mad, because Aunt Paulie had the exact same tv she has had for years.    “AUNT PAULIE!  WHERE IS THE TV YOU PROMISED!”  Annie screamed into her megaphone.

Aunt Paulie replied in a calm even tone, “Annie I did not promise I told you I could not afford a new tv.”

“Aunt Paulie,” Annie hissed.   “You need to start acting like an adult.”

“I do,” an even tempered Aunt Paulie, announced.

“YA DON’T!” Annie screamed into the megaphone.

Annie slumped into her director’s chair and shouted into her megaphone.   “Thanks to Aunt Paulie we are once AGAIN going to have to double up and triple up on parts.   Aunt Paulie you are the Maid, The horse, a cow, that fat crook, well here are all your parts,” and she tosses a bunch of papers at Aunt Paulie.   On each page is a picture of Annie and if you flip through them fast she dances.   Mary Jane and Snoopy are puppies and they have to play every single part.      Mary Jane gets to play Rollie, but she has to say on Annie’s orders, “I’m ugly mother, I really am!”   Annie has one part, she play Cool-Ella.   Yes that is what she says her name is Cool-Ella and she has that car and everything and she paints a long white stripe down her back and she has that long cigarette thing, there is no cigarette in it but,  she flicks it and ashes go all over.    She also has a fur coat.

She originally wanted to skin the ‘puppies’ but I put my foot down saying that it never happened in the movie and it was dangerous for her to use knives.   She settled for shaving them, in the beginning a lot more friends came by but after the shaving incident participation fell off.    Annie did wind up with a coat, from that shaved fur, however I forbid her from doing such a thing again.

Annie brought Chad.  She announced that Chad was being that guy who owned the dog and the boy dog too and Aunt Paulie was to play opposite, both and they had to act loving towards each other  and kiss ON THE LIPS.   Aunt Paulie, who looked at Chad’s drool rolling down his crinkled old chin and the huge snot bubble coming out of his left nostril, did some quick thinking.   If she refused, Annie would fly into a rage and it might bring Donimick up.    She had to get Chad, who was winking is old blepharoplasty needing eyes at her, to  refuse her.

She did the only thing a girl desperate for rejection can do; she lifted her leg, and let a fart that would have made her grandmother forfeit the world record she set back in ’76 for the worlds loudest, most foul smelling fart  let on demand,  at the same time she expelled a belch that totally shook the walls and windows (no this would not summons Donimick as she did this several times a day and no one noticed much any more).   She excused herself by saying, “Excuse me, I have a bad belly,” then she crossed her eyes squinted, then put on her specs which she never wears claiming they make her look ugly.   As Chad’s blurred self came into focus, Aunt Paulie who was starting the grand finale of her rejection plot, with a big huge  smile, found her mouth turning into a grimace and a lump of lettuce and a carrot for flavor was churning in her stomach like a witch stirring her brew.    She recovered quickly and flashed Chad a toothy smile, minus the front ones.

Chad lifted his leg and let a fart twice as loud, twice the stench, and he blasted a hole through his depends and his pants splattered it all over the wall, then he expelled a belch which shook windows, doors, walls and the china tinkled a tune, his snot bubble exploded covering everything in the room with a thick bucket of icky goo, he said, “I have a bad belly and a cold,” he crossed his eye, took a pair of black horn rimmed glasses that were taped together on both side and had thick lenses that were covered with cracks, from his front pocket.   He squinted stuck them on to his nose, and as Aunt Paulie became a huge blur, Chad’s return smile turned into vomit and he covered Aunt Paulie with it, but he recovered quickly, smiled a mouth full of gums and said, “Oh Baby!” The start of a mating ritual had begun.

Aunt Paulie sunk into a chair in defeat, and as her rear end hit the seat, the legs broke and spread out onto the floor crashing Aunt Paulie and the chair bottom quickly to the floor.   “ooops,” Aunt Paulie screamed as the back of the chair broke, and she fell flat on the floor.    At that moment, Cool-Ella came roaring buy in her car, followed by Kiko who was driving, behind her, Kiko cut off Cool-Ella, passed her and drove over Aunt Paulie first, Cool-Ella, followed behind increasing her speed and whacked Aunt Paulie in the face with “Lucy” as she left tire tracks in Aunt Paulie’s belly.    “GET A NEW TV!” She screamed and then, “Good show everyone….shows over folks!”  With that they were all gone.

A dog leaned out a window then suddenly leaped to his feet as a beautiful female dog walked passed his house,  on the little tv that started all the trouble.   Aunt Paulie moaned and grabbed the air freshener hoping to rid the air of the horrible stench of farts, poop and vomit….it was from Annie’s “what’s that smell” collection.   It smelt like a mixture of poop, vomit, blood and garbage cooked in a microwave and that is exactly what it was.

Aunt Paulie, heard a loud knock on her door.   She rolled to her knees, and tried to get herself to her feet by help of the table.   Part of a poopy depend chose that time to fall off the wall and land squarely on Aunt Paulie’s head.    She got to her feet, and wiped the snot out of the way like you would cob webs as she made her way to the door.

“Who is it?”  Aunt Paulie moaned.

“Donimick!” A voice yelled.   “What is going on?”

“I fell Donimick,” Aunt Paulie moaned.

“I thought it was a terrorist with a bomb!” he yelled excitedly.   “You can’t be making noise like that.”

“I know Donimick, I will make it up to you. I promise, sweetie!”

“Today?”   He replied hopefully.

“Maybe tomorrow, Don,” Aunt Paulie sighed.   “I am a little sore.   But I will definitely give you a heart attack!”

“DYNOMITE!” yelled Donimick.

Aunt Paulie cringed and sniffed the air, picked up a magic eraser and thought, “Well at least I don’t have to kiss Chad.”

 

 

 

 

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