It starts a few days before any major holiday. Easter, Valentines Day, her birthday, Mother’s Day…Christmas, it’s a couple weeks ahead of time but the trucks start arriving. Dump trucks full of presents for Annie. She says, “They are from Santa…the Easter Bunny, The Valentine’s Day Wizard who gives gifts at Tax Refund time to make up for the crappy Christmas presents because money was short at the end of the year.” I dunno, but I suspect Annie buys them herself.
So these dump trucks start arriving with candy and baskets, and eggs filled with money $20’s and $100’s mostly, but also gold, silver, jewelry, stuffed animals, live spring time animals, baby chickens, ducks, a few random bleeping sheep and baaing goats, not to mention rabbits of every color. The other pets get the standard Easter basket, with a ‘normal’ amount of contents, Annie does too but she gets all this extra and delights in telling all the other animals how great she is and if they could only achieve her greatness and goodness, they too would have dump trucks full of stuff.
My grand daughters get the dump trucks too but only one, and it’s just filled with plastic eggs, most of them are empty but some have random dead mice in them. This is the first year with Morganna, Annie told her the empty eggs had farts in them. Moganna just said, “Thank you.” What else could she say?
Annie spent most of her day, looking at her dump trucks full of gifts, pigging out on candy, farting in empty eggs so she could hide them for the other cats, playing with her mangier of baby farm animals, and telling the other pets that if they were only half as good as she was, they too could open eggs with money in them instead of eggs full of boogers and snot (which she at first told them was a form of slime and actually a toy.)
Annie got everyone up at 2 am. First she checked her trap and had indeed caught the Easter bunny again this year. I tell her every single year that she can not capture the Easter Bunny, Nor Santa Nor the Valentine’s Day Wizard and keep them hostage and make toys and treats just for her. But she traps them year after year, and I apologize and make Annie set them free.
I give the Easter Bunny two extra carrots, a bottle of water, some shredded cabbage, and a fresh change of socks and send him on his way. The pets are looking for their hidden baskets from the Easter Bunny. Annie’s basket is easy to find, she made it herself, it is six feet tall so hiding it is rather difficult.
Things are going fairly smoothly. Annie puts on a bunch of Easter cartoons, and she decides she needs to dye some eggs. She is watching the Snoopy Easter special. She fries eggs, scrambles them, put them in a waffle iron, going through dozens of eggs. She feeds each batch of eggs to the dog. So hearing her go, “Here, Moo get it girl,” sounds almost normal. Then I hear her say, “Get it girl, go ahead, nice Easter treat for ya girl,” then her crazy laugh and then, “Slam the dog is eating the roast Dad brought home for dinner!” Sure enough the dog was gobbling a raw $12 roast. Annie claimed it fell off the counter when she was giving Moo eggs and Moo got confused.
Later on, Annie was all crying and begging to be fed. Mind you she had already eaten, two dump trucks full of candy. So I poured her a bowl of dry cat food and put it on the freezer. It’s her favorite spot to eat, probably cause she can lay all the way down and just sort of put her face in the bowl and watch tv at the same time. This time she instead pushes the entire bowl off the freezer and food goes all over the place and she says, “Sorry Slam lost control of my paw.”
Dinner was peanut butter and jelly since the dog ate the roast, and Annie used up all the eggs trying to dye them, she suggested popcorn and toast like Snoopy did but that was the Thanksgiving one not Easter and besides we hadn’t replaced the microwave since Annie’s last melt down, that was out but I might have considered it, if Annie hadn’t used up all the butter trying to shape it into an Easter Lamb to make our table look festive. It looked more like Jabba the Hut covered in black and white fur.
Later on, I notice Annie sorting through a new deck of cards. The “Easter Bunny” somehow made Annie’s deck of family wild cards into an actual deck. Annie allowed me to look at them. The deck is called, “The Wild Bunch.” The design on the back looks like multiple little stars, however when I look closely I notice that the little stars are not stars at all, it’s a cat butt hole…Annie’s butt hole. There is my card, Slamming Slam, and there is Morbid Morganna, who looks sort of like that little girl on Beetle juice, except she has glasses, and Beetle Juice’s hair and that weird stripped outfit, she is munching a bowl of beetle’s in a grave yard. Then there is the K8 is gr8 card. It’s a picture of K8 with her body shaped like the number 8.
She is wearing a crown, so I guess, “Did you make K8 a King, you know K for King, K for K8?” Annie looks at me like I am the biggest idiot in the world and says, “Really Slam, Kings are boys, K8 is a girl. It’s K for Queen!” “Annie, Queen begins with a Q!” I sigh. “K for Clown?” she asks. “Clown starts with a ‘c’. And what clown there is no clown?” My blood pressure rising with her dumbness. Annie screams, “That thing on her head.” “That’s a CROWN!” My patience is nearly gone. “K for Crown then, and K for Cat!” “ANNIE they both begin with C. And what cat?” Then I notice, a little black and white cat near K8’s feet.
The same cat is on the Morganna card, and mine, and the Phillie Cheesecake, and the Pooping Paula, and the Tammy-roar (Morganna’s Mom)…then I notice on the very bottom of every card, in teeny tiny letters, I had to view with a magnifying glass, “made and manufactured in Annie’s poop factory.” The freaking bunny gets his supplies from Annie!?!