Several years ago, my son Rov, adopted a ferret named Gladys. She was brown and white and had this huge adorable pink nose. She was all cuddly and warm, Gladys just gave you the fuzzies.
There came a point when Gladys needed a new home and she came to live with us. For some reason, Annie and Gladys became close friends. Now remember, Annie was normally threatened when a new pet comes into the family, but not with Gladys. They instantly bonded. Annie would sit outside Gladys cage and cry until someone let Gladys out and then Gladys and Annie would run around then get tired and curl up close together, making their own ‘I am happy’ sounds.
Anyway, Annie kind of wanted a boyfriend of sorts, I mean she is a cat. She needs love from a companion. And it wasn’t like she hadn’t had one before, she did have a son, she still does. He is all grey and his name is Norbert…Norbert Newell. He plays baseball.
Annie talked things over with Gladys and Gladys realized that she was looking for the exact same thing Annie was looking for. A boyfriend; a companion, even though Gladys had never had one, she watched a lot of tv so she knew. They both wanted someone to talk to, to cuddle with, someone to lick salmon flavored ice cream cones on a frosty November morn with…someone to teleport forward and backward through time with; messing up the past so bad that it becomes our furture….it was then that they knew.
Annie looked lovingly into Gladys eyes and said, “Do you want to?!?” and Gladys said, “You?!? and they continued asking “you” back and forth just a constant banter of you…..you….you….you. 7 hours, 14 minutes and 38 seconds it continued until it finally came on. Her mother and I frantically flipping through every single channel searching for that elusive commercial, that normally is on every single break and sometimes plays back to back. Then we found it…the E-Harmony commercial.
I guess somehow screaming ‘you’ back and forth with a bestie when you both decide to join E-Harmony at the same time, and continue doing so until the commercial comes on tv, gives you the absolute best chance of finding a perfect match. If you fail to do it this way, you might as well keep your money.
So there they are in the middle of our living room each of them has their own smart phone and they are filling out their e-harmony apps and texting each other and laughing over their answers. They are nearing the end, and they complete the questionnaire, then I hear, “You’ve got mail?” Annie has some weird app on her phone that plays that old AOL stuff. Then Gladys’ phone does the same thing.
Annie starts screaming, “Gladys, I have a date with a ferret named Gladys!”
Gladys screams, “I got a date with a cat named Annie!”
They both run to each other, crying and sobbing and fall dramatically into each other’s arms, then they begin to hop, then jump, then circle around yelling, “OMG OMG what am I going to wear?”
They each decided to wear their Delaney dresses, they both liked dressing like Ma Ingalls. They texted their dates to let them know they were wearing their Delaney dresses and instantly started yelling their dates were wearing them too. Annie is yelling, “We are going to have TO get together, We HAVE to,” and Gladys says, “Like a double date?” and Annie goes, “Yes!” and again they are jumping up and down screaming OMG.
The spend so much time OMG’ing they are running late but it’s okay their dates are running late too. Figures right…and we sort of know how this is going to end. They hug each other in the driveway, tears in their eyes promising not to let this relationship they are embarking on to change their feelings for each other. They get in separate cars, and drive to the exact same McDonalds to meet their ‘dream dates’ at the exact same time and Annie’s date is driving the same kind of car as Gladys is driving and well they are all driving the same kind of car.
The arrive at the exact same time, they look at each other as they go through the door, a man greets them at the Entrance and Annie says, “Reserved table for Annie and Gladys, I am Annie.” The man says, “Follow me Ma’am,” (this was somehow included in her E-Harmony package something called make your ghetto date seem not so ghetto and she choose wait staff in McDonalds). The guy comes back and Gladys says, “Reserved table for Gladys and Annie, I am Gladys.” And the guy takes her to Annie’s table.
Annie starts freaking out; screaming that there are two tables because there are two sets of Annie’s and Gladys’s….and Gladys is crying and smearing her make up. The Wait staff confirm that no other Annie’s and no other Gladys are coming.
Annie kicks over a table, and she is screaming and ranting and raving and swearing. She did the whole ‘you’ thing, paid for the extra package, and she gets stood up. No way this is happening. She is finding out totally who this Gladys character is and Gladys is doing the same thing; following up on the Annie Character. They both call E-Harmony and they keeping working their way up the chain of command until they get to that dude in the commercial. He finally confirms what everyone else knew long ago, that Annie and Gladys were a perfect match for each other.
So they got married! On April Fool’s Day, which is today. And no I am not fooling it really happened. Annie married a ferret named Gladys and they were happy and best of friends. Annie wanted children and so did Gladys so they went to a fertility doctor and soon Gladys was with children. Actually way too many. Annie wanted to make sure it worked and Gladys was carrying 500 babies and with her die-a-beat-us, and her bad heart and high blood pressure poor little body couldn’t take it. Only one baby lived. Gladys passed away and Annie had a really difficult time dealing with Gladys being gone, so Annie turned her into a zombie. For some reason, thing sort of fell apart after that. Zombie Gladys took the remaining baby and moved away. We don’t see her much.
So every year, on April Fool’s day, I remember Annie and Gladys. In other news, Annie is working on a new line of air fresheners, it’s called her fart collection, ‘bean farts,’ ‘beer farts’ ‘Mickey D’s famous clown ass farts’…..