The Misfit Farm

I woke up to a heavy weight on my face.   My mouth was full of fur and there was a horrible stench.   I had to date never smelt anything that bad before and living with Annie, I have had my share of stenchy samplings.   I opened my eyes and looked directly into Annie’s eyes.   She was sitting right on my face; staring into my eyes.

“Finally!” She screamed.   “Were you gonna sleep all day?”

I had just fallen asleep.   Annie had been practicing her accordion.  The Cara-Lyle part of Annie loved the Lawrence Welk show.   She had watched every single episode even the black and white ones.   Annie love Myron and his accordion.

She bought an accordion  and a wig so she could look just like him and danced around the room squeezing it,  screaming at the top of her lungs, “Slammie’s got a sleeze box, Annie never sleeps at night.”

“It’s squeeze box, Annie.” I told her.

“What’s a squeeze box,” Annie asked pulling her accordion way out then slamming it back together.

“It’s cheese box,” Little Ana screamed, riding her tricycle into the room on two wheels.  “Where’s my cheese?”  Little Ana was always hungry.

I closed my eyes a little and then, I smelled that stench again.   “Slam!” Annie screamed, I could feel her waving her arms around.   “Wake up! It’s time!”

“Time for what, Annie?” I cried.  “What’s that stench?”

“This?”  Annie asked, holding up a drippy bag, and taking a deep sniff.  She looked at me confused.

“Yes, ” I roared as she waved the bag close to my face.  “What is that?’

“A bag of road kill, and Burt the crow from across the street, he died of sepsis a few weeks back.” Annie said.

“Why do you have dead animals in a bag Annie?” I shrieked.

“For Auntie Tammy-Roar.”  Annie said excitedly.  “And I got a cart load of bald eagles that died from wind mill cancer.” She pointed at a cart in the corner that was piled high with dead decomposing birds of all kind each with the feathers removed from their heads. Flies were swarming all around it and the buzz sounded like a crazy lawn mover.

“Annie those are not even eagles and there is no such a thing as wind mill cancer.” I said waving the flies away.

“There is Slam!  Don said so.   And he KNOWS!   A stable genius always does!”

I shook my head.     “Aunt Tammy-roar doesn’t want these anyways,” I screamed waving the flies again.

“Yes she does!”  Annie insisted.   “Dried dead animal’s sell on ebay.   I sold my skeleton from my first body for a hundred grand.”

“Annie who would buy your old bones?” I snapped, still waving flies away and trying to hold my breath to keep from smelling the stench.

Duh-Wayne wandered in petting a pile of bones.   “Well worth it, too,” he said, then continued, “We are ready to go.”

“Where?”  I asked again finally sitting up trying to rid myself of the flies still buzzing around me and the stench.

“The farm!” Annie said, like I was a total moron.

:What farm?” I shrieked, she was always doing this.   I never knew what she was even talking about.

“The Misfit Farm, Unckie Rov’s place,”  Annie continued.

It wasn’t really even a farm, but Unckie Rov, Aunt Tammy-Roar and Morganna along with Coral who used to live downstairs from us and now lived with Unkie Rov were trying to make it a farm.

They got chickens, one was named Gail, she didn’t have any feathers on her neck.   Annie claimed it was a fashion style for chickens and Gail was top of the line.   She and Annie were besties.   And there was Baronness Von Cluckenstein aka Helen broken beak, she was what Annie considered a very stable genius.

I told Annie not to get attached because those chickens were meat chickens and at some point they would become a nice chicken stew or a fajita or fried in a crispy finger lick’en good coating with 11 herbs and spices.   Annie didn’t care because she said she new how to put their souls into a new chickens in the spring and they would dine on their own home made chicken hot dogs.   Annie claimed it was a win win, because old chicken beaks went for high dollars.

Unkie Rov and Tammy-roar got goats too.   They were dairy goats so Annie could get attached to all of them.   Annie spent hours playing with them and riding them and hooking them up to a cart.   She taught them how to get their heads stuck in the gate, and how to baaa baaa baaa all the time.

Coral worked on tractors and planted seeds to grow all kinds of vegetables.    Annie helped with that too.   She loved chugging around on tractors, and log skidders and back hoes.

Their landlord Old Hank, Hayseed Hank owned the place, miles and miles of acres as far as the eye could see which was all the way  to the railroad tracks.    Coral claimed those tracks  carried coal from Californ-I-A to the outer banks of Maine.   Coral knew all the history of the area.   He was a walking history book.

Old Hayseed owned all the houses in the area and no one had worked the old farm in years.   The tenants were all putting forth effort and labor to make a go of the old place now dubbed the Misfit Farm.

Even Morganna helped; she had a friend name Hay-Den.   Not that having him really helped any but his name was kind of farmy and he liked having tractor races with Morganna.   Morganna prefered the back hoe though and the pair of them drive their ‘cool rides’ into town for chocolate milk.

Annie loved loved being on the farm.   She and Duh-Wayne had been hanging out there an awful lot lately.    The Misfit Farm was all they talked about.   Like how Auntie Tammy-Roar had to attach a spatula to Chatterbox’s horns cause she kept getting her head stuck through the slats of the fence.

I had agreed to go out to the Misfit Farm with Annie and Duh-Wayne she had been talking about it for a week and I knew she was excited about it.   But I really wasn’t expecting to leave minutes after midnight.

“Annie Unkie Rov and Aunt Tammy Roar are not even awake yet.” I sighed, pushed Annie off my face and rolled over.   “Get those dead birds outta here too.   They smell.  I am going back to sleep.”

“Slam!” Annie screamed shaking me and waving her corpse bag around.   “Wake up!  By the we get there they will be up!”

“Annie stop!” I begged.   “If we teleport around nine.”

“My teleporter is at Uncle Rov’s, Hip Hop needed it.   We are taking tractors.   We will be there just in time for breakfast.”

“Oh for goodness sakes!” I screamed, there was no arguing with Annie.   If she wanted to leave at 12:15 am and take off on tractors down a highway to her Unkie Rov’s farm with a  bag and cart full of dead birds that is what we were going to do.   I got up and followed Annie, Duh-Wayne and Spam down the stairs.

There were two tractors with hay wagons filled to the top with stuff from the back yard; the Nascart Sign, the sugar shack, Waleed Fazili, the golf carts, the little house on the prairie and the calliope.

“You are riding with me,” Annie patted the spot over the tire.   Annie turned the key and her old tractor roared to life and smoke puffed out of the smoke stack as the tractor chugged.   “I figured we might as well move some stuff, since we were going anyways.”  She said.

“Why are you taking all of this?” I asked confused, noticing Asa the lawn mower ghost driving up behind us on his lawn mower with six wagons behind it towing his hoard.  Yes Asa was a hoarder but so was Annie so it didn’t matter.

“You want us to leave it here for the landlord?” Annie asked looking at me like I was stupid.   “Feel free to leave your stuff but I am not.”

“Annie what are you talking about?” I screamed.

“Surprise!!!!” She yelled.   She threw a handful of dead bugs in the air, apparently they sold for ‘good money’ too and doubled as confetti.   “We are moving!”

“We are NOT,” I yelled back.   Why did she just do these things without asking?   I used to have a really super apartment on the east side and Annie got into a beef with a rival gang forcing us to move to the apartment I was currently in on the west side.

Annie picked it cause she felt the landlord was cool.   He wasn’t but he totally fit with Annie’s weird lifestyle and didn’t seem to mind at all that Annie filled the back yard with all of her projects and things.     Lately Annie had grown not so fond of him, often hiding when he came and Ana had complained that he got her head all wet when he came to get the rent because he kept kissing her head with his entire mouth Ana said and his breath smelled.   But that wasn’t  a new thing Annie had an air freshener called

“We have to,” Annie said.   “I gave the rent money to our new landlord.”

“You didn’t?” I screamed.

“We are living above Unckie Rov!’ Annie screamed, jumping up and down in the tractor seat.   “Life was getting a little stale anyways.   Think of all the new stories you can write!”

Life with Annie on the Misfit farm. Here we go.

60629555_10217057533686196_3236426155829493760_n

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Halloween Party

There is a bit of a lull between Columbo Day and `Halloween around my house. Duh-Wayne and Annie celebrated Columbo Day sparing no expense.   Duh-Wayne even brought over his 200 inch wide screen because the color was better and then began the marathon of watching two tv programs;  an old show called Columbo and one called Iron Side.   Iron Side had absolutely nothing to do with Columbo except Annie and Duh-Wayne loved that show.   The both wore iron pants making it impossible for either of them to walk so they had to ride in wheel chairs when they wore them.   They also wore tan trench coats.

For those who don’t know Columbo day is that holiday that happens in mid October.   Annie and Duh-Wayne also float bars of Ivory soap around in a pan of water with flags made out of construction paper and they tell the story of Chief Taco Sandwich and his gang.   Duh-Wayne does the parts of the Natives, sort of a back woods redneck Maine British accent.    He did it well.

So after that fall adventure, things quieted down until Halloween.   Annie had a continuous play list of every Halloween special ever made and it played constantly on both our TV and Duh-Wayne’s who never bothered taking his home because he was at our house all the time.   In the back ground, the Monster Mash played on a continuous loop.   It was a prelude to the Holiday season as Annie and Duh-Wayne called it and had been planning since June; now there was room to have a REAL old fashion Christmas.

Annie and Duh-Wayne spent much of their time after Columbo Day playing the Sims.   They decided to wear their iron pants, Ironsides they called them for a while so the Sims was something they could do sitting.   Annie and Duh-Wayne were on a mission to created an entire population with the most ugly sims they could created.   They gave them goofy names and had an entire story line going, it honestly was like a whole Sims soap opera.

“So Rudy Colludy  got caught cheating with Fatima Fatma and now their cousins are sisters and I am my own grandpa,”  Annie screamed.

It was all they talked about and all they did even late at night and wee hours of the morning they were playing on the computer; because they could only play on a computer and we only had one that cut into my computer time.   Oddly they only played when I wasn’t at work.

During the work hours Annie spent most of her time curled up in my lap while I tried to work about her stretched out body.   If I tried to move her she would bite and scratch me knowing I was unable to day anything because I was on the phone with someone.   If she wasn’t doing that she was purring loudly into my head set and it sort of sounded like, “Dave’s not here man.”   Or she was taking over the key board so she could chat with various co-workers.   She called it visiting the office from home.   She would have so many conversations going on, I would be the only one taking calls which was hard because Annie kept taking the keyboard.

Anyhow with my computer time being limited, I decided to find something else to occupy my time.   I crocheted so I decided to do that.   I could make a nice blanket for grandfather in his teams colors.   The only problem was Annie Jr. kept stealing the yarn and Annie stopped sleeping on my lap and on the blanket instead.   The blanket was nearing the end but it was getting increasingly more difficult to work on because both the Annies were involved in a new fad called shedding.

Duh-Wayne did it too.   They took this ‘natural product’ and rubbed it all over their body where ever hair grew so they could shed and have unique hair styles  Duh-Wayne had a small about of hair on the very top of his head, a bald strip around the center and then long dreads on the bottom.   He called it the oreo cookie style.   “Dark hair white skin dark hair,” he would yell and smack you then ask, “Get it?”

The fur and hair was getting all over everything.   No matter how much I swept when Annie Jr. stole my yarn it came back wet and furry, and with Annie laying on the blanket every day, it was almost a black and white fur blanket and not red and gold. It could have been worse they considered the Pod filled with laundry soap challenge but Annie didn’t like the taste of blue and Duh-Wayne hated the taste of green.

I moved on to puzzles.   I ordered one off the internet.   It was an autumn, barn in a field, one.   When the puzzle cam, I was working so Annie volunteered to go after the mail.   I was pleased she was being so nice.   Later I found out, after she opened the puzzle and spilled it all over the floor; that she had actually went in and changed my order to a puzzle she wanted.   It was Wacky Packages from the 70’s and Annie loved them.   The reason she opened it and spilled it, so I couldn’t return it.

She had been doing that a lot lately, changing my orders, or adding things.   The border I had ordered for my office was replaced with border more to Annie’s liking.   A group of cats wearing cowboy hats, one looked like Annie and oddly one looked like Duh-Wayne.   They had been wearing them lately, as their favorite holiday was coming up.  John Duh-Wayne Day.

We had moose border in the dining room because Annie had a moose friend named Marc Anthony Maximillian Pennywhistle who would come by and stick his head in the window when he was in the neighborhood and drink a cup of sludge with Annie, Spam and Duh-Wayne.   He came by one weekend when Aunt Paulie was over and gave her a ride, galloping though the field at top speed, Aunt Paulie clinging to his antlers.    Annie had purchased a moose saddle over the summer and needed to try it out.   Aunt Paulie had the time of her life.

Anyway I began the puzzle even though it wasn’t the one I wanted.   First the table was just like a half an inch too short so the puzzle overlapped a tad.    I went with it and got the whole outside edge done and a couple good chunks in the center.    I got up to get coffee, came back and Annie had completely destroyed it, pieces all over the floor one of the boxes spilled.

I ‘wasn’t spending time with her,’ Annie claimed which meant sitting in front of the pc with her in my lap so she could make ugly sims. She had for some reason become terribly clingy lately, but as Halloween approached the dent in my lap where she sat most of the time began to even out.

“Their party”, Annie talked about nothing else.   She had a Halloween party every year. After she went trick or treating but before traditionally waiting for the Great Pumpkin, except for the last couple years where she waited for the Great Trumpkin, who of course showed up so he could brag about his crowds which were tremendous but would have been there with or without him.   She was doing that again this years, Duh-Wayne really liked it but Curry said she was throwing M&M’s and Elm Tree had a bushel of peaches she was going to hurl, Chuckles had mints.   Annie and Duh-Wayne threw cheese burgers and diet coke.   The Great Trumpkin tricked and tweeted gathered everything up in a pillow case and left a trail of orange cheesy dust behind him.

Annie, Duh-Wayne and Spam all wore costumes from the late 60’s.  Those cheesy masks and the plastic suits that ripped but some how were better quality than later years.   I have no idea how they even fit in them.    They kept changing them though.   Duh-Wayne started out being a witch, then Annie wanted to be Casper and Spam wanted to be Gumby so then Duh-Wayne couldn’t be Mr. Magoo.  The whole thing was a mess.

They had more room this year so they could invite more people.   Philly came, and Aunt Paulie who Annie shoved down the stairs on a mattress so she could have a hellava ride.  Aunt Dinyell, K8, Squirrel, Trisket and Traden came.   Great Aunt Jodie Slamma Jr Great Great came with Norbert Newell and Jasmine Arielle Cinderella.   Gabe, Bryan and their fowl.   Uncle Rov and his hens, Morganna and her mother and the goats.   Just everyone came and then some.

I hid in my office away from it all.   The bobbing for apples, the piñata, the haunted house Duh-Wayne and Annie built in the basement and had people believing they went through some portal into the past.   The clanks and bangs that constantly went off in the whole house ‘proving’ once and for all our house was haunted.  Several fortune tellers were scattered around reading fortunes, some witches had booths selling bat hairs and vulture feathers, plus there were fountains of cider, tables laden with donuts, popcorn balls and apples plus all the Halloween candy one could eat.

I hid patiently waiting until mid night when I could finally toss out the pumpkins Annie had carved a little early (August) to make the office feel festive and refused to let me toss them out even though they were clearly rotten covered with fruit flies and maggots, until November 1st.

At Midnight the great Trumpkin arrived, lock him up was yelled from the rafters.   I tossed the pumpkins out the window, all 45 of them.   I am not sure who they hit.   I didn’t care.   I knew the Halloween festivities were at the end.   They always ended with the Great Pumpkin, I mean Trumpkin.   When the last moldy trumpkin, I mean pumpkin went flying out the window, I turned and went to bed.

I closed my eyes and it began.   Christmas Carols!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Advertisements

The Windy Go

“Wake, wake!” I heard just before Annie landed on my face.   She climbed atop the head board, flapped her front legs and jumped.   Thank goodness, this Annie was a smaller version of the original Annie.   That Annie weighed a lot more.

“Annie, why must you wake me this way every day?” I yelled, thanking all that was holy that I had 3.2 seconds to get most of my face into a pillow before her claws hit.  Her staring at me from atop the head board for 15 minutes, through these black rimmed thick lensed glasses she had acquired from some place, alerted me.

“That is how they did it back in to old days before alarm clocks,”  Annie explained, then added, “Duh-Wayne said.”

“It is not,” I said.   I was so tired of the recent interest in history by the pair of them.   If I heard ‘back in the olden days’ or ‘good old days’ one more time.   “Duh-Wayne doesn’t know what life was like before alarm clocks.   He isn’t  150; he had an alarm clock truste.  But before that they had roosters”

“That’s what I was being, Slam, a rooster!  Couldn’t you tell?  I was flapping my wings.”  She was still staring at me through those thick lenses which distorted her eyes so you could barely see them.   She looked ridiculous, then she screamed, “I forgot to say clock a doodle do.”

She ran around the room flapping her front legs screaming clock a doodle doo for 15 minutes, still wearing the ridiculous glasses.   I am not sure how she was even able to see.    Then like always and  like magic Duh-Wayne suddenly appeared with his side kick Spam, who began making a few pots of sludge while Duh-Wayne ran around with Annie also flapping his arms screaming clock a doodle do wearing the exact same glasses as Annie.  Trendsetters; the pair of them.

Finally Annie stopped and asked, “What’s the difference between a rooster and Slam?” She waited long enough to take a breath and said, “A rooster says clock a doodle do and Slam says any clock will  do.”

Everyone laughed.   Except me.  Spam patted me on the back and offered me a cup of sludge.   I took it.

“Back in the olden days,” Spam said, suddenly.   “up until the 1920’s people couldn’t afford alarm clocks so they hired a knocker-up.  A knocker-up would go knock up on ‘er door til the owner woke up.   Remember  Duh-Wayne, back in the old country when you were running around knocking everyone up.”

Duh-Wayne nodded with his eyes shut but you couldn’t tell because of the glasses.

Annie screamed, “I beg the different!”  she stamped her foot with her ridiculous glasses still on her face.   Her tongue was hanging out the side of her face and so was Duh-Wayne’s.

Then: “So what are we going to do today, Papa Smurf?” Annie asked Duh-Wayne.

“We are all going back into the basement and look for Mary Jane Marie,” I responded before Papa Smurf with the Brainy glasses and a huge cowboy hat could drawl out his answer.   “She has been gone for two weeks now.”

“She isn’t coming back,” Annie screamed hysterically.   “Me and Duh-Wayne sent her back in time.   Back to the time of the Windy go,  when Limping Buffalo, Antler Cloud, Creepy Lizard, River Corn and the gang roamed these plains on their burros and alpacas.   But when Duh-Wayne and I went back to get her, she was gone.   Chief Taco Sandwich said she had been captured and scalped by the Windy go“`.”

“Annie,” I screamed.   “She is probably just hiding.   You know she has been really depressed missing her babies.”

“What babies?” Annie asked.

“Jasmine Ariel Cinderella and Ana? The grand children you had to have?” I asked.  How could she forget.

“Oh, ha ha those babies,” Annie said.   “I understand what you are saying; empty nester, and her relationship with Annie Jr. down the tubes.   Her looks, we all know how ugly she is and her fool books.   I WOULD be depressed.   But nope she went back in time and a Windy go got her, it wasn’t  her dismal life at all.”

“Annie, I have no idea what you are talking about or who you are talking about.   I told you, time and time again that you can not travel backwards in time.”

“See Slam history repeats it’s self.   That’s what Duh-Wayne always says.”  By this time Annie had also put on a cowboy hat.

“Did you bring the Windy go traps?” Annie asked Duh-Wayne.

“Annie what is a windy go? What are you talking about?” I asked.

Annie rubbed against me and purred.   “Sit down, Slam this is not going to be easy to hear.”

The reason she wanted me to sit down was because she wanted to climb in my lap.   That had become a habit recently.   Annie never used to climb in my lap or demand any attention and lately she was glued to me when she wasn’t glued to Duh-Wayne.

She laid her head on my chest so she could stare into my eyes still wearing those weird glasses.   She opened her mouth and yawned really long and loud expelling not only her yawn but breath so hideous that it could have won the stink of the century award.

“Annie your breath,” I screamed.

“I just used breath spray, Slam,” Annie said giving herself another quick squirt from a little bottle she got from somewhere.   She passed it to Duh-Wayne, he squirted it and passed it to Spam.

“Better,” Annie asked sticking her mouth up by my nose and blowing out a gush of air.   The same smell attacked my nostils but worse because it was fresh.   Spam tapped me on the shoulder and passed the breath spray to me.   I looked at it and the flavor was moldy cow poop sprayed by a skunk.   “No Annie.  This is gross and probably bacteria laden.”

Why did only I think this was weird?   Spam and Duh-Wayne were making the coo-coo sign and pointing at me.    While whispering to each other, “Gee your breath smells terrific,” like two star crossed lovers.

I fanned the air.   Annie farted and settled down.  Spam got the air freshener from Annie’s stink collection and Duh-Wayne sprayed his breath spray at Annie.  Annie was laughing her crazy laugh and screaming, “Oh Slam!” while whacking my leg with her claws out paw.

Annie abruptly quit laughing and yanked her paw away from my leg pulling flesh with it.   She cleared her voice several times and yelled, “A windy go is….” her voice was all dramatic, “from back in the olden days, the good old days, a life back in history to a time when the Inca Nintas and Santa Claus maria tribe lived on these lands, Chief Taco Sandwich and his gang of savage savage natives.

They foretold of the cat eating Windy Go, an evil beast with big flapping wings and hugely eyes.   It flaps around in the evening sun and eats cats and mice and rats and taco sandwiches.  That’s what got Janey.”

“Annie, first there was absolutely no tribe of Native Americans around here call the Inca Ninta and Santa Claus Maria and there was never a Chief Taco Sandwich.”

“Yes there was Slam, they were named after their founder, Columbo, the one that came over here on the Wild Flower and landed at Fraggle Rock.”

I shook my head.   “It’s pronounced wendigo, Annie and wasn’t that paranormal show you were watching with Duh-Wayne and Spam last night all about that?”

Just then Grandfather came through the door with Mary Jane in his arms and her favorite  breakfast pizza.   She had called him earlier and asked for a ride.   She had spent a week with Jazmine Ariella Cinderella, Norbert, Phil and Great Aunt Jodi Slamma Jr. Great Great  and a week with Ana and Aunt Chicken.   She explained she had sent me several text message but I never got any of them.

I glared at Annie who was gobbling a slice of pizza as fast as her little mouth could chew. “Windy go got her huh?”

“I beg the different!” Annie screamed, spraying food out of her mouth.  “Witch hunt.  Hoax, Slam.   Columbo day is coming up.   You’ll see!”

She shook her fist a me still wearing the crazy glasses and so did Duh-Wayne, still wearing his glasses, and their hats.   I knew it wasn’t over.   There was an alpaca and a camel in the yard.  Life was about to get crazy.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Remotely Annie

I loved waking up in my new place with lil Annie curled nearby softly purring.   The old place was so dark and dreary and this place was open and airy with lots of windows.    In the next room I could hear Asa snoring as his lawn mower hummed quietly (he turned the volume down at night) and the screech of his c-pap machine.

Asa had joined in the fun of digging up all the treasures Old Hayseed Hank had been burying for years.   Actually he had stopped burying it when the city complained it wasn’t good for the environment and now he didn’t even bury it.   It was just a large dump pile.   He gave the city lots of money so they turned a blind eye however it probably would have been cheaper just to pay he city to hall the junk away in the first place.

The c-pap machine was one of the ‘treasures’ they had found.   Why a ghost needed a c-pap machine is beyond me but he said it helped his breathing at night.   I didn’t know ghosts breathed or snored but he was really sawing lumber.

I rolled onto my back and got ready to stretch my arms out.   Annie stretched at the same time with her claws out and raked them down the side of my arm; slowly and painfully.   “Annie that really hurts,” I yelled pulling my arms back leaving a hunk of skin hanging from Annie’s nails.

“Sorry Slam,” Annie laughed.

I rubbed my arm and got up.   I walked into the livingroom which was semi dark because it was so early.   I nearly fell over the coffee table that was in the middle of the room.   It was topped with a float from the pool and Asa and his c-pap.     I woke him, he sat up screamed, “Where my aigs woman?”  laid back down and snored long and hard, then muttered  “Over scrambled, toast with butter and some hog belly.”

L continued on to the dining room, also semi dark.   Out of the darkness I hear, “Can I get a couple of those star aigs and hog belly?”  I jumped a foot as a flashlight hit me in the face.

It was Duh-Wayne and Spam laying on the floor on a mattress.  Now that we had the ‘extra’ room Duh-Wayne and Spam had practically moved in.  We had a spare room but they were laying in the middle of the dinning room floor.

I made it to the kitchen and tripped over Annie’s wagon and Duh-Wayne’s big wheel things they’d hauled out of the junk pile and where in the beginning stages of repurposing.   Annie was making a washing machine out of her wagon and Duh-Wayne was making a end table out of his ride on toy.

It was their business Annie said.  ‘Repurpose with a purpose.’  The purpose lining their pockets.   They made a big sign and hung it completely across the front porch making it impossible to enter or exit that door.   It was painted brown with letters written in a little bit darker brown.   They were also selling the weird shaped eggs.

Duh-Wayne had brought several flocks over just so they could lay weird eggs.   Duh-Wayne’s chickens laid heart shaped eggs because they loved him.   Annie’s ducks Aunt Sos and Mr. Waddles were nesting a batch of eggs each shaped like a pile of poop.

Yes Annie got ducks; and several peacocks, a buzzard, a pair of emu, a mean goose named Ralph and a crate of exotic turkey’s.   She was scoping the internet for a few more things; which meant more  animals.

Mostly birds but she also got six wasp nest which she placed outside out bedroom windows in such a place that you were unable to reach it unless you were dangling from a bungee cord attached to a helicopter.  Plus they all wore tiny gas masks so even if you could possibly spray them they were safe.

Nothing really changed from our old place in that respect except now we had more room so Annie could increase her hoard of people animals and belongs and we lived in the country which meant Annie had to make friends with almost every family from here to town so she and Duh-Wayne could have free charging stations for their scooters from our house to town but Annie was really considering a wagon.   She liked the old timey feel of our old house.

The biggest change though was I would be working from home.   I always had that option.   However at our old house there just wasn’t room for me to sit comfortably and do my job and I really liked going into the office.   It honestly gave me a chance to get away from Annie.

She only had to work two weeks out of the year anyways and she made two million dollars a week.   She called in sick and used personal time for the majority of those days and wound up actually being in the office about three days a year; three days a year that the whole company celebrated with balloons and banners.

It was the three days a year when our whole customer service department was allowed to be Annie and say what ever it was that they wanted into their head sets.   The shyer reps would say something politely like, “Call back on another day, thank you.” The bit bolder shy reps would say an Annie classic, “Dave’s NOT here MAN!” and hang up.   You heard people say, “Whad do ya want?” in a sneering voice all the way up to profanity laced streams of pure frustration.

There were games and food and prizes up and down the customer service floors.   The customers loved it and felt some sort of special pride if they happened to get Anna-sta-SIA on their phone.

The grand prize of this event was you would get to wear the Annie mask  the whole day at work. It’s a cat mascot mask Annie got after Halloween last year.   Annie randomly picked someone to have this honor.   I hate winning it.   You have to wear it all day you can’t see, or breath, it’s hot and it smells like rotten farts because Annie sleeps in it sometimes.

Anyway now I would be working from home.   Not just because I had an office which I had to share with Annie.   She was making extra space for herself just like the old place rooms for her and Duh-Wayne and Spam to relax in like their Opera House.  But she had to share my little office.   But because we had one vehicle and if I wanted to work I would have to leave very early with Grandfather.   So instead of arriving at the office five hours before my shift and returning hours after, I decided to work from home and only go in when I had to.

Annie shoved a huge desk that I thought would not even fit into that tiny office space.   She pushed her $9, 000  executive chair into it leaving me with just enough space for one of those hospital bed side trays and my chair.   It worked for me.   I got used to it anyway.

Annie never worked from home.   She was always on vacation.   But she still sat in my office, logged into her computer to chat with co-workers and rub elbows with the big wigs.   But most of the time she just spent annoying me.

She and Duh-Wayne decided to start a band.   Annie played drums and a fiddle.   Duh-Wayne played a juice harp and this guy Hip Hop had bag pipes.   They practiced every day from nine to noon.   They called themselves the Niney Nooners.

At noon Annie would come in to chat with me while she ate her lunch.   Something normally smelly and foul looking.   “Lettuce with old fish guts, Slam,” she would offer, shoving her plate in front of my face two fish eyes staring at me covered in a thin film of Annie’s favorite salad dressing, snot and boogers brand.   Just for flavor she claimed.

Most afternoons she spent either trashing the entire house or sitting be side me in the office working her other job which was an outsourced company who regularly called my company.   Annie had several phone lines so she would call on all of them jamming up phone lines and talking in weird accents and just in general making things difficult.

My break times now were spent cleaning and  making a sit down meal for lunch.  Duh-Wayne and Spam were always here and they had to be fed.   “Gravlies,” which is what Annie called Raviolis, ” and a blow me down sandwich is not enough for Duh-Wayne and Spam,” Annie screamed.

Spam was good about it though.   She usually got things started like the squirrel skinned and gutted.    Annie said complained about her company having to do any of that though because now I had so much time being saved by not having to get dressed and go in the office.

And because I had so much time on my hands Annie  volunteered me to take care of my sons chickens and his goats while he was away.   This was quite the dilemma since I am terrified of chickens, but I was able to over come my fear for that limited time and at least get them fed and put away.    Ironically Annie, Duh-Wayne and Spam all went away that weekend too.    So they could not help me when I had to do it solo but they were there through my chicken care training  and goat classes., I got from Unkie Rov.

That weekend though, Mary Jane came up missing and the saga of the Missing Time Travelers continued.

Click to see

Slam feeding the chickens

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Mystery of the Missing Time Travelers

I seriously didn’t give much thought to Annie being gone.   She was always running around doing something with Duh-Wayne, she wouldn’t answer a text, or a phone call or a facebook message.   However Duh-Wayne was good at letting every one know what he was doing or where he was going.

For example if he and Annie were going up north to stage and film an abandon trailer from the 1970’s for their youtube channel, “Abandoned Trailer Guys but Annie’s a girl” and wouldn’t have cell phone reception, Duh-Wayne would let everyone know.   “Nah coverage up thar, up thar with tha bars!’ He would announce with a slight Maine accent mixed with a southern twang.

Spam normally tagged along acting as a camera man on many of their adventures.   Although she never posted their videos she did share things on her own social media accounts and they were eerily silent.

None of their vehicles were gone, the teleporter and the time machine were sitting unused.   Spam had not even taken her purse.   I kept calling Annie’s cell phone.   I hated her voice mail because she simply said hello, like she would if she answered the phone so you think it is really her and I would scream,  “Annie where ARE YOU???” then beeeeeeppppppp.   Ironically, Duh-Wayne and Spam did the same thing to their phones right before they went missing.

I knew it had to be planned so I decided to solve the mystery.   I first decided to question Snoopy and Annie Jr. since they were the last to see them.   Mary Jane Marie was still hiding in a large piece of foam in the front hall and Norbert Newell had decided he wanted to go live with Jasmine Ariella Cinderella, Great Aunt Jodie Slamma Jr. Great Great, Brussel Sprout and Phil who lived on the other side of town.

Annie Jr. and Snoopy said that Annie Duh-Wayne and Spam had been trying out some new ghost hunting equipment in the basement, for their youtube channel, “Two guy ghost hunters and Spam but one is a girl and so is Spam.”   They said Spam was recording and she had been live streaming it.

I took the next logical step and logged into my computer to watch whatever it was Annie had been streaming on her channel.  It was over 45 hours long.   She had not even been gone that long.   This was really a mystery.

The first thing I see is an out of focus blurry like white black pink thing and Annie screaming with laughter and what sounds like a fart.   As the camera backs up, I see it is Annie’s back end.

I sigh as the laughter and fart continues for ten minutes.   The lens of the camera keeps fogging up and Annie keeps saying, “Something smells good.”   Then suddenly Annie turns around really fast and faces the camera.

“So here we are; two guy ghost hunters and our camera man Spam but one of us is a girl and so is Spam.”  Duh-Wayne comes into view wearing an evening gown and a long Cher wig and a cheesy mustache.

He waves and says, “I’m a guy!”

“We are here at the historically old mansion from the 1860’s,” Annie began.

“Late 1860’s,” Duh-Wayne said seriously.

Annie glared at him and yanked a hunk of his hair out of his wig.   Duh-Wayne yelped and rubbed the side of his head.  “Zip it!” Annie hissed.

“Our ghost  friend Asa has indicated to us that yhis historically old mansion from the LATE 1860’s is incredibly haunted.   So we are here today to investigate it.”

The camera then panned over to a lawn mower with a hat, white tee shirt and a pair of pale green pants with a  pair of old tennis shoes sitting on the seat.   The engine of the lawn mower putted and made a scraping noise, like it always did when the blade was turned on in the house.   The hat moved up and down as Asa’s voice began.   “Back in the day this very old historical mansion, was owned by an old EEE-Tailian straight from Eye-taly, named Ut oh, Ut oh S’ghettos.   He rented the farm out to a man and his wife for life, Mr. and Mrs. Left.

Mr. and Mrs. Left worked the farm hard, planting acres and acres of corn and soy, spices and herbs anything that would generate money.   In exchange for their work the farm would be theirs cause Uh oh was getting old and had no heirs to leave his vast wealth to.

The Left’s only wanted the farm not the wealth, they wanted to earn their livelihood.   One day a man came to their house named Adelphart.   He had a peg leg so he limped and a shock of red hair but it was dyed.   We all knew he died it,” Asa continued in a southern drawl cause that is how they all talked back then, even though we lived in the North.

“He was a wanderer and needed a job.   A bull trainer he claimed.  He could tame any bull;  the farmer could let a randy beast graze in his field with no fear.   Old Ferdinand would eat butter cups out of your hand, Adelphart claimed.    The Lefts allowed him to occupy space in their house in exchange for training a bull. ”

The show cut for a commercial which was just Annie running around with her tongue going in and out of her mouth making that blur blur blur noise.   Sometimes she danced.Then Duh-Wayne and Spam came on with a box of Kleenex and a roll of Charmin and did a tap  dance.   It rained at the end.

Dramatic fast eeire music played.  Scan to some pictures Annie or someone has scribbled on a piece of paper to portray Asa’s story.     “Adelphart, former bank robber, he got away with 59 cents good money back in the day; welp I’ll tell you he  had other plans.   He wanted that house, the crops and the money; he was going to get on Mr. S’ghetto’s good side.   He offered up a package and introduced him to the joys of his friend Richard Johnson.   They licked each other very much. ”   Asa’s drawl became so deep he said licked instead of liked.

The Lefts found out and feeling totally betrayed let the weeds take over the soy and corn and  then they had to write everything off.  They sadly turned away from the farm  and figured karma would rear her head.   Old Adelphart still claiming to be the best bull trainer stayed around but was horribly gored a few weeks after the Left’s moved.

The bull named Willard Willard B as a matter of fact was said to have exclaimed, “Ferdinand get outta here with that kind of bull manure.  Ferdinand!” as he pushed a horn through his gizzard.    Adelphart is the one who haunts this very place.!” Asa sighed greatly as he finished his speech.

The camera swings around and Duh-Wayne has this old Geiger counter.  It’s green and looks like a hand held dust buster but with a very long telescoping end with a large disc shaped detector  there is an old cassette player attached to it.   “This is one of our newest toys.   It’s a ghost hunting treasure finder.   If there is a gold digging ghost this little baby will find it. ”

The camera swings again and Annie is plugging an old CB radio into an old frayed lead cord so old the casing is made out of cloth.   “This is our voice recorder.   It will detect any spiritual voices especially Richard Johnson loving voices.   I am going to plug in this lead cord which is attached to the battery of an old Chevy Nova we unearthed with the CB radio a month ago.   When I do if you are there Adelphart, tell us why you were a big fat jerk!”

Annie plugged in the cb and there was a huge flash of light and a huge puff of smoke.   Then there was nothing no Annie, no Duh-Wayne, no Spam,no lawn mower, no equipment,even the Chevy Nova was gone.  The camera kept recording;  well a fuzzy screen with an occasional out burst of the Ghost Busters theme which sounded like it was being played on an old crank style Victrola, this Weird English Rapper everyone liked, and spurts from the old Twilight Zone.

I had no idea what to make of any of it.   I searched the spot they were standing at.   It was still smoky kind of and I could faintly hear bag pipes maybe a fife, and drums.   It had to be a joke even though it felt really cold at that spot, so cold my teeth chattered and my fingers turned blue.   It had to be a joke, I figured.

I went up  the basement stairs and Tammy-roar was chatting with Coral just outside the door.   “Still no Annie?” she asked.

I shook my head.   I started telling her about the video stream and how crazy it was when Tammy-roar heard a meow and then another.   I turned and looked and there was tiny little Annie Cara-Lyle looking wide eyed and terrified on the stairs of the basement.   I ran to her and she turned and ran back into the basement.   She ran towards two shadowy figures coming out of the smoke.   It was Spam and Duh-Wayne.

Annie was screaming, “Tainted, tainted, tainted, I tells ya tainted.”  She kept screaming it as we went up the stairs.

“Annie where were you?” I asked in my best scolding voice.   I wasn’t falling for her tricks.

“We went after Adelphart.   We got that critter but this land is,” Annie paused slanted her eyes so they were merely slits and said, “tainted.  Won’t ever grow even a nice batch of weeds or dandy lions or tigers or bars on this here land.   Tainted!!!” she said it in a weird shrilly voice and a dum dum dum was playing somewhere behind her.

Coral looked at Tammy Roar and said, “Well doesn’t that SUCK.  Richard Johnson, gold digger! I ain’t staying on a tainted piece of land.” He grabbed a sleeping bag a snowman and some old horns his only possession and squatted across the street watching cars.

My mouth stood open, before I could say anything, Tammy-roar said, “Fool.  Tainted land, blah, look at that corn,” she pointed with her hand and that green corn turned brown and dry and blew away.   Then Unkie Rov came running from the hen house.   He had eggs in all different shapes, square, triangle star shaped.   “Tainted!” Tammy-roar roared.  “We are moving!”

I was speechless.   I wasn’t even sure if I even solved the mystery.   What was REALLY going on?   I felt like Nancy Drew.   This was all pretty weird the missing time travelers were found but I had no idea what was happening.

I would sleep on it.

 

 

Moving with Annie

Moving is one of the worst things in the world.   Slowly your life becomes uprooted. Everything spare moment you are packing all those things you are not currently using;   Sometimes you pack up things and then dig through box after box looking for something you happen to need.   On the upside, you can get rid of all those plastic lids that fit nothing.

It never ends either because, weeks are spent unpacking all that stuff you packed.   It always happens too that the stuff you really need is hiding amongst the other boxes.   You can always find the Christmas decorations in July or that box of old cups collected over the years from various fast food restaurants that you hope to one day sell for  a pretty penny,  (half the country has the same collection and the same hope) but you can not find the coffee filters, or the coffee or the coffee maker.

I was lucky though, Annie found the coffee supplies, (she could not live without her sludge) before we went to bed our first night in our new place.   To bed; among the boxes, bags, suitcases, crates, and storage containers that held all of our belongings.    Lucky, because Annie said I was.

She  also claimed I was lucky because of all the help I had moving.   True, Duh-Wayne and Spam, plus a handful of Annie’s friends helped move one load of Annie’s stuff in exchange for a costly pizza party, 14 of which Annie ate and she didn’t help a bit; well she said she supervised.

Grandfather and I moved almost everything ourselves.   He claimed we could not afford a moving van so we wound up moving the majority of our things in our car making several trips.   It was really more than several.  We probably spent more in gas than we would have if we had rented a whole fleet of moving vans which is really what we needed.

We (grandfather and I) could have fit our personal stuff into one small van.   It was all of Annie’s stuff.   She had to have it all, her sugar shack, her wild life sanctuary ( try squeezing an elephant in the back of an SUV) her farm!!!   That was the thing.   She already had a farm with more animals than she could count.   True Annie could only count to about 5 and then she just made up numbers like erty-ten or skatey elebeteenager.  But I am just saying.

I’m a nice person, but this time I was really annoyed.  Annie could have moved all of it with her teleporter.   She popped back and forth all day every day for stuff.   She would see a nail in the new apartment that she had to hammer in or yank out along with half the wall.   She would teleport to our old place and get the hammer.   Or she would want a drink and pop home for a cup or a plate or toilet paper or her and Duh-Wayne’s hover boards.   Instead of leaving whatever it was there at the new place because eventually it would live there with us.   Annie would teleport it back when they were done.

I counted on Annie letting me use the teleporter.   Before I even knew we were moving, I took a weeks vacation.   Everyone said it was lucky I did; because I desperately needed to clean the mess Annie and Duh-Wayne had made.

Lucky sure, but every time I took a vacation something happened to screw it up.   I guess I could consider it lucky so I could spend time cleaning up old pizza boxes and confetti, but I really had wanted to just do nothing.   Annie chose to move.

Since Grandfather was working and our new place was in a totally different town, I had counted on Annie to let me use her teleporter to go to the new place to clean.   Figure it was broken.   I got to go a couple times, one day Annie let me use her motorized shopping cart but it ran out of gas and I would up pushing it and dragging a wagon load of our belongings behind me for 18 miles.   Another time, Grandfather took me.

I was able to get rid of all the junk Annie left laying around, a ton of cardboard boxes, and fast food containers, sand  from when she and Duh-Wayne played ‘beach’ , all the brown greasy cob webs Annie strung around the entire apartment to give it an eerie feel and shooed out all the flies Annie was ‘cultivating’.

Always something happened, that I was never able to get there as often as I needed, and all of the painting and cleaning I had planned on doing never got done.   So we wound up moving in with one room half painted and spent an extra week moving the final items from our old place.    Once I got moved in though, Annie happily moved all the rest of her stuff with her teleporter.   She even moved a few of our things, but I told her she didn’t have to after she dropped a box full of plates and a box full of bowls from a ladder at my feet and screamed, “Don’t say I never did nothing for ya, Slam.”

I like an organized move.   Annie on the other hand has no organizational skills at all.   This apartment was so much bigger than our old one so I figured it would balance out.   We had a spare room I was going to set up for K8 and Phil to sleep in when they came to visit so I figured I could put all the boxes in there, so we had room to move the furniture in.

More and more of Annie’s stuff kept showing up though and soon I was barely able to move at all.   Annie’s drum set was right next to the mattress I had on the floor.   I couldn’t set my bed up because Annie’s collection of antique type writer covers was sitting on top of it.  She couldn’t put that away because she wanted to display it and needed paint for the old plastic bread box she wanted to recycle into a typewriter cover display case.

The landlord old Hank had buried every bit of furniture  his tenants had left behind for the past 58 years.  Annie and Duh-Wayne were digging it all up.   “We need stuff to fill this place up,” Annie screamed at me dragging an old green,  wet dirt caked bug infested recliner with broken springs  up the stairs.   She was turning it into a telephone stand an item no one even used any more.   She wanted to put it in the parlor.    I am not sure which room that even was.

For some odd reason she was using old time terms, like parlor.   So was Duh-Wayne.  He asked Annie if we needed a daven port which Annie said she couldn’t turn down.   The ‘daven port’ was one of those 80’s couches with the weird old mill stream printed velour. Annie loved that!   She once bought a hundred yards of it at a lawn sale, and made Grandfather a three piece suit out of it, complete with a hat that she stuck a pelican feather in.

Spam kept asking me if I needed the fire stroked.   I had no idea what she was talking about.   I just knew something weird was going on.   I just sort of felt something was in the air.

Our second night in the new place I told Annie and the rest of the gang that everyone would be putting their own stuff away the next day,  The Nascart Museum was coming out of the bathroom, the sheep and flock of geese were going to the barn yard and I had no idea why Spam was keeping her canned meat memorabilia at our place.   She loved a slice of Pam cooked in her favorite oil named after her Spam but the butter flavor kind.

When I awoke,  the next morning, the front door was open.   Annie, Snoopy and Annie Jr. were all gone.   I ran out the door looking for them wondering where they were.    It was 3:22 am.   Annie set my alarm to go off at weird hours, that is why I was up so early.

I located the boys in the basement and they said Annie was missing.   Fat chance, she just did not want to put her stuff away.   I didn’t give it another thought until Curry called asking if I had seen Spam and Duh-Wayne.  I hadn’t but Snoopy and Annie Jr.  said  they had disappeared along with Annie.   But hadn’t told me because I hadn’t asked.

I wasn’t really worried, not at first but when all the stuff was put away and none of them returned even when I went in the basement, the last place they were seen and shook the cat food box none of them came.   I then worried.

“Were could my lil Annie be.” I thought to myself as I starred out the window.

 

 

 

Annie picks a house

Over the years, almost every single time we made a move it was Annie’s doing. I grew up in the same house for the first 18 years of my life and I really liked letting my roots take hold. I really hated moving.

Annie on the other hand just loved the adventure of having a new space. She loved, weeks before the move rooting through closets and cupboards seldom used; finding things that had been put away and now could be useful or things that should have been tossed out last move. Annie never threw anything away though. At least it seemed as if she never threw anything away.

The current move was no exception. Like I said, Annie has been behind every single move I have made since she came into my life 16 years ago. The first one happened just a few months after I got Annie. She ran away two weeks before we had to move and returned the night before we moved out. I thought she was gone for good but I was mistaken and later found out she was making plans.

That move was a sudden and unexpected. Long story short our house was being sold and turned into a parking lot. We did not even get a full 30 day notice on that one. Rentals were scarce but the real estate agent had an apartment for rent.
Because my time was running short, I had no chance to be choosy, and with misgivings put my money down on an upper apartment located in a big old house which probably was a farm house once upon a time. It was huge and sprawling; four apartments in the main house and two additional ones in the part of the house that seemed to be added on. With the little stream running along side it next to what may have been a barn, it looked really out of place with a grocery store to the left, a furniture place on the right and directly across the street, burgers sold by a King; a creepy looking King who has changed over the years.

None of that even bothered me though. It was the fact that, Annie rarely picked an apartment where I could just pack my stuff and move from one place to another. There was only a couple places that I moved to where I was able to just move in without having to clean, paint and disinfect the place I was moving into. Annie loved picking the most horrible run down beat up places that took me almost a month to clean, fix up and repair before moving in.

Annie said she did this to save me from having to pay a security, but most of the time I think it would have been easier to just pay the security. Sometimes though I paid the security and still had to clean.
That first apartment set the bar of my future homes and Annie tried to raise it each time. The real estate agent said I could move in on a certain date but at the last minute it was delayed. The current tenants were moving downstairs but had not moved yet because the downstairs tenants had not moved out, and I already have everything switched in my name. I pointed out repairs that were needed, cleaning and painting. We wound up having to help pack and move the current tenants downstairs and the only thing that got done was painting, around all their pictures, and knick-knacks on the shelves in the kitchen. There was even the outline of a can of shaving cream above the medicine cabinet in the bathroom. There was feces on the floor and a legit black stripe around the tub. I had to take it, I’d paid and I had no other place to go.
It was horrible there, the guy next door, looked like a blonde Charlie Manson with two creepy kids. He never changed his cat litter just added more, Annie used to go visit she called his litter box, Mt. Poopulous. Apparently he is quite rich now because Annie bought the whole thing for her poop factory. She said they are still making high quality diamonds out of it.

The whole place smelled like poop and rotten burned chicken. We could see into the neighbors bathroom because of the hole by the tub and their smells rose into ours. Plus, it was always like 190 degrees. Heat was included with the rent and the downstairs tenants kept it hot. We had our windows open 24/7 in the middle of winter. We stayed just four months and I found a good place.
Annie liked it there though it was where Nobert was born. Plus she was busy then, making plans for her poop factory. After that, it was all down hill. The place that had a wood stove, so I smelled like bacon daily, the place we took 18 bags of garbage out of and had swear words and odd pictures painted on the floor, then the filthy haunted house above a garage-

That was another thing was Annie liked; spooky houses. Former occupants who still resided in a place in transparent form was always a plus for Annie. Haunts, filth and stench were Annie’s three favorite must haves. Our current residents fit that bill, two apartments actually , one in the front and one in the back; the apartment that faced the front had a lovely patriotic kitchen painted red white and blue but sometime in the seventies and the only reason we moved in the back was because, it was bigger.
I can actually hear Annie’s voice coming out of the landlord’s mouth when he was trying to sell me on it, “Picture the possibilities!” He said as he spread his arms wide each hand touching the wall one either side. I should have known better than to trust a guy wearing cut off work pants really short and knee socks with moccasins but this was a situation where I had to move.

I had a nice place on the East side, one of the few places I picked. The haunted house above the garage had issues with the electric. Otherwise we probably would have lived there forever. So because I picked it was a nice place, I loved it a lot. Annie didn’t, she had an issue with a squirrel who climbed our fire escape and that was the end of that. Annie paid the dog to bark all day, forcing us to have to move here a place where a barking dog wouldn’t matter but because Jewel had an animal shelter started downstairs and 6 dogs doing the twilight bark even when it wasn’t twilight. Annie liked the area, and since her poop factory was around the corner she could easily transport the millions of pounds of poop produced by those dogs on a yearly basis.

The current move was not just by Annie’s choice because I learned after Annie gave notice we were moving, that the building was being sold. Annie may have already known that was going to happen because she records everyone and everything.
The new place was right on board with Annie’s must haves. The fridge full of food unplugged, with temperatures starting to rise was the best part, Annie said because she could now complete her collection of air fresheners called ‘Household stench’, and she took samples for her fungi collection, 7000 petri dishes growing spores Annie said would be on display.

There was also a huge swarm of flies that seemed to darken the place. It was farm country so the flies tend to be bigger. Annie said it is because they get good eats out there in the field when the manure spreader is going. Annie nixed anyone hanging fly stickers though.

‘Them are mine,” Annie cried, pointing at the swarm of buzzing flies. “Hey Floyd!” Annie screamed and waved.

“Annie no one keeps bugs as pets,” I said.

“Aunt Tammy-Roar does, she has bees.”

“They aren’t pets, Annie,” I explained. “Bees are useful they make honey.”

“Slam,” Annie began, I could already tell she was going to educate me on some sort of scientific fact because she put her glasses on the end of her nose and her mortar board on her head. “Flies are useful, they buzz, they block out the evil sun when their swarm is big enough AND they eat all that food we don’t want to eat.” She glared at me then shrugged her gown covered shoulders.

Plus Annie and Duh-Wayne had been hanging out there while we moved things. They had a small picnic, which brought in ants that Annie needed. They filled squirt guns with manure and squirted each other with them inside the apartment, because they wouldn’t be able to do it once my stuff got there because I wouldn’t allow it (Annie said in a sarcastic voice), Annie had the chickens and the goats in for a sleep over and Duh-Wayne brought chickens too and a mule he had rented for the weekend. The mule’s name was Ralph and he smoked a cigar and wore a straw hat. He and Coral exchanged numbers. Plus Annie had read some story on the internet about some cows getting into a brand new house and hanging out for a few days. Guess who tried it? Thankfully she asked Unkie Rov first and he agreed to only two; baby ones.

Annie had been bragging for weeks that she out did herself on this one. She did; so cleaning and painting had to be done. I am not even sure how much of it was left by the previous tenants and how much was Annie’s. There were pizza boxes and fast food wrappers and moose made bottles, haystacks, and fort made out of old blankets.

“See no security, Slam. ” Annie yelled as she spread her arms out wide.

“Annie there is no way this place could get any worse.”

It was bigger, but I would have to work from home and never get away from Annie. Annie smiled every time I mentioned that. I was terrified by the whole adventure.

“Closer to Duh-Wayne, Slam,” Annie said nudging me with her elbow. “And dear Curry and the girls. Oh and Chuckles of course.”

Duh-Wayne and Spam were at our house all the time, although Spam had been busy packing things up at the poop factory.

Yes we had to move that too. Annie claimed she liked to get up in the morning and inhaling the scent of her poop factory. There were several defunct old factories in the area that Spam had been dusting and cementing back together for Annie to transfer her poop factory to. Duh-Wayne was filling tankers with poop.

In addition to all of that, we had to move all of Annie’s back yard things, like the junk yard, the Nascart, the bowling alley, the sugar shack, the golf course just acres and acres of Annie’s “If I don’t get this, don’t tempt me, Slam.” There was no way we could teleport it, according to Annie. Getting a moving van or a moving company or a fleet of semis, was a dumb idea, we could just move everything in the car. Grandfather and Duh-Wayne agreed. Why did I have this family?

I just couldn’t wait to start this move.

Nascart

Annie was standing on the kitchen table scooping sugar out of the sugar canister all over the table.   Duh-Wayne was catching the sugar into a sandwich bag.   The sugar was bouncing from Annie’s paws to the table then off to various sections of the kitchen,  and onto  Duh-Wayne’s red MAGA hat with the grease stain over the America part; grease  from the oil of a 47 Buick Estate Wagon.  Later it would be deposited in the bathroom when Duh-Wayne grabbed at tooth brush at 4 pm and brushed his incisors but only the top left and bottom right and only every other Thursday and Monday, .

“Annie!” I  screamed!  “What are you doing?”

“Getting a scoop,” Annie screamed zooming past me and pushing the Annie scooping sugar out with her paws out of the way.   The Annie I was yelling at.

The Annie who answered flew by with the cat litter scoop and dug into the sugar and attempted to scoop and pour into Duh-Wayne’s bag,   It went all over and two cat litter covered turds were in the sugar canister.

The Annie who was digging in the canister with the cat litter scoop and making more of a mess than the Annie digging with her paws was actually Ana, Annie Jr.’s daughter.   Jasmine had went to live with Great Aunt Jodie Slamma Jr. Great Great and Phil and Brussel Sprout and a grey dog named Roscoe who didn’t act like a dog at all.   Every time I visited he would jump from out of no where and practically knock me over trying to get his arm around my neck and yelling, “Hi Slam.”  He had a Russian accent.   Unfortunately, he only stayed for a while.   He said Great Aunt Jodie Slamma Jr. Great Great’s house had no excitement and moved back to the shelter.

Ana and Annie looked very much alike except in the face and the fact they were almost exactly the same size made it difficult to tell them apart.   I worried a little bit about Annie being so tiny in her new body, but Annie suggested that she had the body of a dwarf cat.   She claimed on purpose to be like Aunt Dorky because she was really short.

“Stop throwing sugar,” I screamed.  “What on earth is going on?”

“Bag’s full,” Duh-Wayne yelled from down on the floor and out the door all three of them ran.

I heard the sound of power tools and did not have to ask any further.   They were working on their Nascart.   Well several Nascarts.   They each had to have their own and in between working on their own carts they were selling their left overs ones , left and right.

Spurred by their visits to the shopping cart museum everyone wanted a Nascart.   A Nascart to drive, ride or apparently fly I had no idea what that was about.   A Nascart to bet on.   A Nascart to put your name or label on.   Sometimes more than one.

Even grandfather spent  four dollars on a cart.   He bought one early on before Nascart was even thought of.   He bought one to take groceries to the house, since he had to park in the street because Annie had the driveway full of her carts.   He turned his cart into one with a big ‘fro and a label that said, “Mail Bikes.”

“Get it,” he asked, his eager face showing.

“No, I don’t,” I answered.

His face fell.   “Annie said you would.”

I got Annie’s cart.   It was a huge pile of crap.   Crap that flew off in every direction when it moved and made everything dark with the swarm of flies on top.    Annie levitated with her hands firmly on the handles and moving forward by raising her legs up and down like she were swimming in air.

Duh-Wayne and his family made theirs into Mario carts.   Duh-Wayne wanted to be both Mario and the King and made his cart like both.   They could all grow wings by eating a handful of grapes.  The talon feet which grew at the same rate as the wings allowed them to pick up their cart and fly over everyone else.   It didn’t last long but if there was a seed in one of the grapes it lasted double.

Elm Tree carved her cart out of a maple tree, using only a butter knife.   Her cart blared old Joan Jett songs from the 80’s as it rolled and Elm Tree wore her hat backwards.

Great Aunt Jodi Slamma Jr. Great Great even got into it.  She and Brussel Sprout had their own carts.   The did not do anything to make their carts special.   They just ran pushing their carts and jumped on them.  They both wore flip flops causing them to slip every time.  This caused their cart to fly forward by its self while the drivers slide behind it on their rear ends.   They would then get up and run after the cart and do it again.   They were leading the pack most of the time.

The whole thing was like a weird Nascar race combined with Mario cart and the Wacky racers.  There were no winners, there were no losers.  There were no trophies.   Water cost eight dollars a bottle, Moose Made sixteen.

Everyone was selling something. Spam ran a concession stand selling Annie’s road kill specialties.  Elm Tree sold her coffee table book, ‘Carts through the ages.’  Annie sold her creations of recycled clothes, a skirt made out of used underwear, a vest with miss matched socks sewn on to make sleeves, a face mask made out of an athletic supporter (she sold 14 of them).    Duh-Wayne charged people a nickel to use the row of outhouses and he also  was serving security.  He was seen escorting out some man who was screaming, “I was just sitting there all broken hearted, I paid a nickel and only farted.”

It was an exciting day at Nascart.   At least that was what man yelling into a loud speaker that could be hear for 10 miles and for some reason we could also hear every racer going vrrroooom vvroooom with their mouths when that same man said start your engines.

It was Duh-Wayne’s brain child, a thing he could check off his bucket list, it was NASCART.   Duh-Wayne’s fame.   All these people enjoying his dream.   He smiled a famous smile because he did it.   He was the famous Duh-Wayne!  Face of Nascart.

 

 

Shopping Cart Museum

I prayed and prayed it wouldn’t happen but Annie had a machine that directed my prayers out in space so no one actually heard them, well anyone that counted anyway. Annie listened to them and most of the time shared them on her youtube channel and made meme’s out of them with a photoshopped photo of me. ‘Praying Slam,’ she called it.
I don’t even know why I prayed because once Annie heard my prayers, and no place was private as Annie had long ago acquired the ability to capture my words, movements and even my thoughts, Annie would make the opposite happen. It was bound to happen anyway, Annie and Duh-Wayne had been planning it for a month or six of Sundays and now with Elm Tree hanging out and becoming a part of the menagerie that hung in my back yard on a daily basis, there was no way it couldn’t have happened.
Nascart! It was all Duh-Wayne had talked about. His brain child that would make him famous. Fame, that was Duh-Wayne’s desired. He wanted his face plastered all over the internet and his name in lights. He could see it on Broadway, “Famous Duh-Wayne; the musical.” He polished his ballet slippers daily. He always knew it would happen and he was on the cusp of it with Nascart; and if that didn’t work he had the Shopping Cart Museum.
The shopping cart museum was a project Duh-Wayne and Annie began and never thought they would see the completion of. They built the building and Annie hung a piece of paper on the wall that explained the history of the shopping cart. Annie wrote the top half in her big backwards letters most of it misspelled and illegible and Duh-Wayne wrote the bottom half in tiny letters saving a spot for his drawing of a 12th century shopping cart.
Duh-Wayne had already acquired a bunch of shopping carts, that is how Nascart started, ‘What to do with 150 partly banged up shopping carts!” There had recently been a surge in the sale of shopping carts in the Annie and Duh-Wayne junk yard in the back yard; because of Nascart.
The original plan was to sell the shopping carts off because Duh-Wayne was always getting these deals but in bulk, like when he got a deal on 19 bolts of green and black plaid. 18 bolts of it still covered every piece of furniture in my house and part of a wall. I was charged for 18 bolts plus labor from Annie and Duh-Wayne’s business called ‘Up Up upholstery chumps. That whole transaction was accomplished during one of my morning walks; one half hour and Grandfather slept through it even when Annie cut the bed in half with a chain saw to make room for Duh-Wayne’s dog sled. That is what she said.
The shopping carts didn’t sell, though they just took up space in the back yard. What made it worse was Duh-Wayne was so hyped on selling them he bought several more racks of shopping carts. They did get rid of a few, trading them off to some homeless person. It was one of these transactions that lead to the idea of a museum. One guy wanted to trade his odd looking yellow cart for a more normal looking one. Annie took one look at his yellow cart with a googled eyed face and she fell in love. She had to had that cart. She definitely traded one cart for the yellow one and let him fill his cart with items from the junk yard and offered him a place to park his cart at night in her park with benches and tents. The museum idea emerged because both Duh-Wayne and Annie had a passion for shopping carts; they loved them ever since the first time they ran one into someone’s heels or over someone toes.
So after they got the yellow cart with the face on it they built the museum and put the yellow cart on display next to the piece of paper Annie tacked to the wall. Then she and Duh-Wayne got several different carts from different stores and placed them in various spots around the museum with a piece of paper, written in Annie’s handwriting on top and Duh-Wayne’s on the bottom, describing said cart. Annie never even bothered looking any of her information up, she just made it up as she went along. Duh-Wayne drew his 12th century shopping cart on every one. They had five altogether and they were lucky to have them.
Then Elm Tree came into their lives. I love how I have friends and somehow some way they are introduced to Annie and pfffttt Annie has a new friend. I mean look at Curry and Duh-Wayne; Curry’s dad, grandfather to the famous Abe and Bryan. All of them now friend’s with Annie.
Elm Tree had a passion for shopping carts too. It came from the old days, down on the Island, the long one when Elm Tree was a young girl. Elm Tree was the best shopping cart slider in her hood. There was no one back in the day who could handle a cart like Elm Tree. It was her passion. She lived, ate, breathed and talked shopping carts.
Want to know how many bags of sugar fits in a cart, she knew. Want to know when the first shopping cart with four wheels was invented; she knew. Want to know what kind of material a certain cart was made out of she knew. She also knew the history of the store behind each cart. Which cause plenty of debates between Elm Tree and Annie, because Annie who made up facts screamed fake news at Elm Tree all day long.
Elm Tree took it in stride like she did everything. Like when she came over and Annie was rocking on a rocking horse in a pair of short shorts and no shirt. But the best part about Elm Tree was that she had a storage shed full of shopping carts just looking for a home in a museum.
Elm Tree also had the great idea of taking some of the extra carts and using them to make a ride through the museum where people could ride through it on a cart while listening to Elm Tree rap the history of shopping carts through a microphone. Grandfather and Duh-Wayne rapped in ‘Nas-cart Nas-cart’ and Annie screamed, “do the Nas-cart Strut Do the shopping cart do the shopping cart.” And they were all clapping. They all wore dreds except for Elm Tree cause her hair was ‘fly’ already.
I was forced to record it several times because they wanted a bunch of out takes so they could make a video of it. The video was to be displayed on the wall so people could watch it while they rode around in the carts.
It was a huge hit. People came from near and far just to visit the museum and to buy a cart from Duh-Wayne and Annie’s junk yard and prepare themselves for a greatest thing since sliced pizza, “Nas-cart!’
The only thing left to do was build their carts and start their engines. The race was about to begin.

Two Birthdays One Cat

Annie sat at the table scribbling on a piece of paper.   She had an entire box of 988 crayons covering every inch of the table and several chairs.    “Where’s the blue, I can’t find an yellow.” she would scream occasionally.   Lately she was mixing up the use of an and a….you know an before a vowel or as Annie now said ‘an vowel.’ I was tired of correcting her.   Sometimes she would do things for a period of time, a couple years at least and then forget about it.   I was letting it go; for now.

“An slice of paper.  Give me an slice of paper.”   Annie cried, looking up from the piece  of paper she had set aside.

“Annie,  it’s a piece of paper.” I corrected.

“No.  Uncle Rov said slice.”

“Only about pizza.” I replied.

Annie rolled her eyes at me and held her paw out and hissed sarcastically,  “An piece of paper or is it A slice of paper?  Spelling police!”

I handed her a slice I mean; a piece of paper from the pile sitting right in front of her face.   Annie put a crayon up to her noses and smelled deeply.   “I love the mell of new crayons.   Don’t you Slam?”

“Yeah, I do,” I said, picking up a green colored crayon with orange color spots in it. “And it’s smell Annie, not mell.”

I smelled deeply and immediately gagged it was the worst smell in the world.  I looked at the wrapper and it said, “ravioli spotted, gross green vomit.” I set it down.   My eyes tearing.

Annie picked up another crayon and sniffed it, and screamed, “OMG this one stinks so bad!”  It was kind of a yellow and green striped crayon.  “Mell it Slam! Mell it!” Annie continued screaming trying to shove the crayon in my face.

“No,” I yelled trying to cover my face then Annie jumped on me and knocked both me and my chair over and shoved the crayon under my nose.   I knew she would not get off until I melled it, I mean smelled it.   I decided to just get it over with and I sniffed really loudly so Annie would hear me.   It smelled like a crayon.

Annie picked up a red and black mixed up crayon smelled it and stuck it under my nose with out a comment.   I smelled it before I even sniffed, it was even worse than the ravioli spotted gross green vomit.   I saw the wrapper and it said, ‘mangled rotted crow corpse’, I grabbed the one that smelled good and looked at the wrapper.   Figures; it said,’ new crayon’.

“Put that one in the bad mell box Slam,” Annie directed.

“It’s smell,” I muttered.   “What are you drawing anyway?”

I picked up one of the papers she had apparently finished and set aside.  It was a hand made invitation to Annie’s birthday announcing her special day in great big bold letters and in tiny small letters at the bottom it said, ” And Annie Jr.”

“Annie,” I began.   “Technically; you are dead so we would not have a party for you,” I wasn’t really worried, she only had three pieces of paper scribbled all over with her crooked backwards over huge letters, she had been sitting there 14 hours. I figured her big birthday bash would have tops six guests and hopefully, two of those would be me and Grandfather.

“You say happy birthday to your mom Slamma Aunt Loosewheels and she is dead; technically,” Annie argued.

“We don’t have a party for her,” I replied.

“You do!” Annie screamed, pointing a claw at me.  “We had it last year right at my mother’s house, Great Aunt Jodi Slamma Jr. Great Great!”

“That was a party for your mother,” I yelled.   “They were born on the same day.”

“Technically no they were NOT!   You there giving birth to my mother, the same day your grandmother was giving birth to your mother?  Was ya squatting out in the same corn field? Cause that is how they did it back then?   Huh Slam?” Annie shook her head.   “Technically YOU are a NOT a TRUMP SUPPORTER; that means illegible.  Stupid and illegible SLAM.”

I shook my head and poured a cup of real coffee before Annie realized I made it and dumped it out to make fresh sludge, she currently had 37 pots going.   The struggle to have one coffee pot for myself was real.   I decided to let it go.

“And technically,” Annie screamed not wanting to let it go, “I am NOT dead cause your stupid ugly face is yacking to me right now.”

“I talk to Asa your lawn mower ghost every day,” I screamed.   At that moment he floated in demanding his aigs and some corn mealing musk; that is how he requested eggs and corn meal mush for breakfast.   He said it stuck to his ribs even though he no longer had any.

“I’m not like Asa,” Annie screamed, “I don’t say aigs.” That was true, Annie said oggs.

Every day it was, “I want some hogs and oggs, Slam-a-lam-a-ding-dong.” She called me that when she was being playful.   I have know idea where she gets some of her expressions.  I had my suspicions though.   Duh-Wayne!

“And I don’t sit on my lawn mower and rev the engine all day or turn the mower part on inside the house every day.   I only do that once a week,” Annie continued, “And I don’t float.” She paused and I could see this laugh forming in her eyes.   Annie’s eyes did laugh when she was ready to burst out with something funny.   I knew Annie’s sense of humor so I was kind of scared.

“I don’t float, but I can,” Annie said still holding back a laugh and all of a sudden she was levitating and finally zooming around the room.

“Annie,” I screamed, “How do you do that?”   I tried snatching her out of the air but she kept zooming around.    It had to be a string.   I finally got her but there was nothing attached to her.

“Annie how did you do that?” I asked.

“I made a levitation device, out of some old bannana peels, oh about 4 years ago,” she said.   “That was the brain child of Duh-Wayne.”

“Annie you did not even know Duh-Wayne four years ago.”

“Didn’t I Slam, Didn’t I?” Annie said seriously.  “Anyways it came in handy when I was six hundred pounds, I had to get out and do stuff.”

“Annie you had this when you were six hundred pounds?” I screamed. Thinking about the hernia I got dragging her up the stairs and how I struggled daily to wash her rotted maggotty fat callous and how she had non stop die-a-rear and how I had to grunt to lift her and clean her while she stuffed food into her mouth like a steam shovel, putting three or four slices of pizza topped with chicken wings into her mouth and then crunch crunch crunching them and her hitting my back every three minutes with another empty box or contatiner or bottle.   And all this time she could have easily lifted herself.   Annie must have been thinking about it too because she started laughing loud and long.   Yes that was it that was why her eyes laughed.

Annie was floating around and rolling in the air laughing.    She was laughing so loud and hard that she was snorting;  occasionally her  laugh would come out as a loud caw caw caw, I don’t know what it was all about but it was how she laughed.

I let it go just like the an and a thing, and the slice and piece, and her making me cater to her every need and nearly break my back dragging her six hundred pound rotting corpse around for months because I was getting off.   I was getting off on having one of her famous huge birthday parties with a hundreds of guests, news reporters (who Annie called the fake media but needed them there nonetheless), circus animals giving guests rides on their backs, circus animals riding on ferris wheels, bands, food, food carts, food wagons, buffetts, Dr. Now, pin the tail on the donkey, a huge cake wheeled out on a cart it took nine people to push and one lonely cup cake for Annie Jr.   I was saved from cleaning the mess, having my bank account drained and video’s of me posted on facebook of close ups of my left nostril.

Annie Jr. came out pulling a wagon filled with a towering stack of papers.   “These are all the invitations that came back already,” he said to Annie.

Ana came behind her pulling a wagon half the size of her father’s, “here are more,” she said all out of breath.

Spam brought up the rear with a hay wagon (how they got it in the house is beyond me and how in the world Spam was dragging it is also beyond me).   “I think this is the end of them,” Spam said.

Just then Duh-Wayne ran in.   “I got them all in the mail, Annie,” he said, “And turn the tv on; it’s there!”

And IT was.   Every single channel, shouting, ‘come to the greatest birthday party of all.’ It sound so fun with the music and the free eats and music and the FAMOUS DUH-WAYNE and of course Annie.   Just bring the perfect gift for Annie, gifts for Annie Jr. optional.

I slapped my head.   It never fails.   It never fails.

Annie still floating around near my head floated up and put her butt right in my face.   I tried in vain to move but she kept up pushing her up turned tail closer and closer.   “Annie stop!” I screamed.   My back already hurt knowing I would be cleaning the party mess for days.

“And just think Slam,” Annie yelled pushing her hips one more time right at me and I felt fur all the way around my face except for my nose.   I screamed and tried to get away but it was like she was attached.   “In August we do it again.”

I finally pulled away from her.   “What do you mean again?”

“I died on August 5th and that is the day Cara-Lyle was born so we have to celebrate again.   Two birthdays one cat!” Annie screamed.

She and Duh-Wayne high fived and the both screamed.   “Got it made in the shade.”