I woke up to a heavy weight on my face. My mouth was full of fur and there was a horrible stench. I had to date never smelt anything that bad before and living with Annie, I have had my share of stenchy samplings. I opened my eyes and looked directly into Annie’s eyes. She was sitting right on my face; staring into my eyes.
“Finally!” She screamed. “Were you gonna sleep all day?”
I had just fallen asleep. Annie had been practicing her accordion. The Cara-Lyle part of Annie loved the Lawrence Welk show. She had watched every single episode even the black and white ones. Annie love Myron and his accordion.
She bought an accordion and a wig so she could look just like him and danced around the room squeezing it, screaming at the top of her lungs, “Slammie’s got a sleeze box, Annie never sleeps at night.”
“It’s squeeze box, Annie.” I told her.
“What’s a squeeze box,” Annie asked pulling her accordion way out then slamming it back together.
“It’s cheese box,” Little Ana screamed, riding her tricycle into the room on two wheels. “Where’s my cheese?” Little Ana was always hungry.
I closed my eyes a little and then, I smelled that stench again. “Slam!” Annie screamed, I could feel her waving her arms around. “Wake up! It’s time!”
“Time for what, Annie?” I cried. “What’s that stench?”
“This?” Annie asked, holding up a drippy bag, and taking a deep sniff. She looked at me confused.
“Yes, ” I roared as she waved the bag close to my face. “What is that?’
“A bag of road kill, and Burt the crow from across the street, he died of sepsis a few weeks back.” Annie said.
“Why do you have dead animals in a bag Annie?” I shrieked.
“For Auntie Tammy-Roar.” Annie said excitedly. “And I got a cart load of bald eagles that died from wind mill cancer.” She pointed at a cart in the corner that was piled high with dead decomposing birds of all kind each with the feathers removed from their heads. Flies were swarming all around it and the buzz sounded like a crazy lawn mover.
“Annie those are not even eagles and there is no such a thing as wind mill cancer.” I said waving the flies away.
“There is Slam! Don said so. And he KNOWS! A stable genius always does!”
I shook my head. “Aunt Tammy-roar doesn’t want these anyways,” I screamed waving the flies again.
“Yes she does!” Annie insisted. “Dried dead animal’s sell on ebay. I sold my skeleton from my first body for a hundred grand.”
“Annie who would buy your old bones?” I snapped, still waving flies away and trying to hold my breath to keep from smelling the stench.
Duh-Wayne wandered in petting a pile of bones. “Well worth it, too,” he said, then continued, “We are ready to go.”
“Where?” I asked again finally sitting up trying to rid myself of the flies still buzzing around me and the stench.
“The farm!” Annie said, like I was a total moron.
:What farm?” I shrieked, she was always doing this. I never knew what she was even talking about.
“The Misfit Farm, Unckie Rov’s place,” Annie continued.
It wasn’t really even a farm, but Unckie Rov, Aunt Tammy-Roar and Morganna along with Coral who used to live downstairs from us and now lived with Unkie Rov were trying to make it a farm.
They got chickens, one was named Gail, she didn’t have any feathers on her neck. Annie claimed it was a fashion style for chickens and Gail was top of the line. She and Annie were besties. And there was Baronness Von Cluckenstein aka Helen broken beak, she was what Annie considered a very stable genius.
I told Annie not to get attached because those chickens were meat chickens and at some point they would become a nice chicken stew or a fajita or fried in a crispy finger lick’en good coating with 11 herbs and spices. Annie didn’t care because she said she new how to put their souls into a new chickens in the spring and they would dine on their own home made chicken hot dogs. Annie claimed it was a win win, because old chicken beaks went for high dollars.
Unkie Rov and Tammy-roar got goats too. They were dairy goats so Annie could get attached to all of them. Annie spent hours playing with them and riding them and hooking them up to a cart. She taught them how to get their heads stuck in the gate, and how to baaa baaa baaa all the time.
Coral worked on tractors and planted seeds to grow all kinds of vegetables. Annie helped with that too. She loved chugging around on tractors, and log skidders and back hoes.
Their landlord Old Hank, Hayseed Hank owned the place, miles and miles of acres as far as the eye could see which was all the way to the railroad tracks. Coral claimed those tracks carried coal from Californ-I-A to the outer banks of Maine. Coral knew all the history of the area. He was a walking history book.
Old Hayseed owned all the houses in the area and no one had worked the old farm in years. The tenants were all putting forth effort and labor to make a go of the old place now dubbed the Misfit Farm.
Even Morganna helped; she had a friend name Hay-Den. Not that having him really helped any but his name was kind of farmy and he liked having tractor races with Morganna. Morganna prefered the back hoe though and the pair of them drive their ‘cool rides’ into town for chocolate milk.
Annie loved loved being on the farm. She and Duh-Wayne had been hanging out there an awful lot lately. The Misfit Farm was all they talked about. Like how Auntie Tammy-Roar had to attach a spatula to Chatterbox’s horns cause she kept getting her head stuck through the slats of the fence.
I had agreed to go out to the Misfit Farm with Annie and Duh-Wayne she had been talking about it for a week and I knew she was excited about it. But I really wasn’t expecting to leave minutes after midnight.
“Annie Unkie Rov and Aunt Tammy Roar are not even awake yet.” I sighed, pushed Annie off my face and rolled over. “Get those dead birds outta here too. They smell. I am going back to sleep.”
“Slam!” Annie screamed shaking me and waving her corpse bag around. “Wake up! By the we get there they will be up!”
“Annie stop!” I begged. “If we teleport around nine.”
“My teleporter is at Uncle Rov’s, Hip Hop needed it. We are taking tractors. We will be there just in time for breakfast.”
“Oh for goodness sakes!” I screamed, there was no arguing with Annie. If she wanted to leave at 12:15 am and take off on tractors down a highway to her Unkie Rov’s farm with a bag and cart full of dead birds that is what we were going to do. I got up and followed Annie, Duh-Wayne and Spam down the stairs.
There were two tractors with hay wagons filled to the top with stuff from the back yard; the Nascart Sign, the sugar shack, Waleed Fazili, the golf carts, the little house on the prairie and the calliope.
“You are riding with me,” Annie patted the spot over the tire. Annie turned the key and her old tractor roared to life and smoke puffed out of the smoke stack as the tractor chugged. “I figured we might as well move some stuff, since we were going anyways.” She said.
“Why are you taking all of this?” I asked confused, noticing Asa the lawn mower ghost driving up behind us on his lawn mower with six wagons behind it towing his hoard. Yes Asa was a hoarder but so was Annie so it didn’t matter.
“You want us to leave it here for the landlord?” Annie asked looking at me like I was stupid. “Feel free to leave your stuff but I am not.”
“Annie what are you talking about?” I screamed.
“Surprise!!!!” She yelled. She threw a handful of dead bugs in the air, apparently they sold for ‘good money’ too and doubled as confetti. “We are moving!”
“We are NOT,” I yelled back. Why did she just do these things without asking? I used to have a really super apartment on the east side and Annie got into a beef with a rival gang forcing us to move to the apartment I was currently in on the west side.
Annie picked it cause she felt the landlord was cool. He wasn’t but he totally fit with Annie’s weird lifestyle and didn’t seem to mind at all that Annie filled the back yard with all of her projects and things. Lately Annie had grown not so fond of him, often hiding when he came and Ana had complained that he got her head all wet when he came to get the rent because he kept kissing her head with his entire mouth Ana said and his breath smelled. But that wasn’t a new thing Annie had an air freshener called
“We have to,” Annie said. “I gave the rent money to our new landlord.”
“You didn’t?” I screamed.
“We are living above Unckie Rov!’ Annie screamed, jumping up and down in the tractor seat. “Life was getting a little stale anyways. Think of all the new stories you can write!”
Life with Annie on the Misfit farm. Here we go.